Anorexia Addiction Works. Here’s What It Looked Like for Me.
Eating disorders, religion, and polarization in small town America
Dearest Reader,
I finished up the reworking of a chapter on small town America, anorexia, religion, and polarization this week. I’ll place the “final” instalment below (which you’ll see if you’re a paid subscriber and will not see if you’re not). It includes a window on long ago, plus a thinly veiled rant on more current, mandated times.
I had a couple of folks reach out after the last post. One said they needed to know that I was okay; the other told me to stop dwelling on the past.
While well-meaning, the first of those folks required me to take care of them with assurances of “I’m fine-ness.” The second left me silently enraged while outwardly fumbling through a skim-the-surface, placating reply. A reply that made me feel as though I was back in grade school and a much smaller version of myself.
These readers who emailed were not “bad” in trying to get their needs met through me. I am the one who let myself down. I am the one who abandoned myself in my responses. Let me do a better job here.
I am okay. Also: I am a writer. Also, also: Since getting sober, I do not shy away from going straight in. I embrace and heal from getting down to the blood and bones of it. If that doesn’t work for you, this is not the newsletter for you to be reading.
I love you. I’m grateful you’re here. And, if you’re not up for it, I understand. Only truth. No hard feelings. Full post below.
In integrity & alchemy,
Dana
If you’re new to my writings, you might want to start here, for slightly more context. This post is a continuation of a chapter in progress.
And so, for as much as I loved Jeff Number 2, his God came between us. Not at first, when newly in love and avoiding the issue. But later, when he got an after-school job at a Fundamentalist ice cream shop, founded a Christian athlete group, and talk turned to marriage.
Also not helpful: He began taking cues from a beloved coach who, in a soft, disarmingly kind cadence, assured us all gays were damned for eternity.
Looking back, that’s when future planning went from dreamy and light to full of grownup fights and realities. It’s also when my inheritance—received and created—caught up with me. When anorexia and addiction to running emerged as my most dependable dealer.