Hey. Dana here with a sober treat for your Sunday.
During a recent Drunk on Film workshop offered through the University of Notre Dame, I connected with Tawny Lara—a bisexual, NYC-based writer, public speaker, and Webby Award-Winning podcaster who’s made a name for herself as “The Sober Sexpert.”
(And who, fun fact, has a spicy taco dish named after her—La Chica Diabla—in her hometown of Waco.)
Tawny’s book, Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze1 comes out this September. Pre-order it here.
Below, Tawny answers my questions and offers dating (and other) advice for sober folks seeking to hook up in a culture hooked on alcohol.
Happy Sunday, sober crew! Good. For. You.
xo, Dana
Similar to you, I created and leaned into a “sober toolkit” when getting sober. Also similar to you, holistic healthcare and practices play an essential role in my recovery. Could you speak about your own toolkit and what helped most during early sobriety?
I’m a big fan of self-care. And not just the bubble baths and face masks (though I love that stuff too!). For me, self-care is entirely holistic. This means weekly therapy, acupuncture, tarot, meditation, yoga, weight lifting, Lexapro, and microdosing THC under doctor supervision. I also practice boundaries! I’ve learned that I'm much more of a homebody and that saying no to invitations is OK.
Note: Find Tawny’s detailed sober kit how-to guide here.
You’re the Sober Sexpert!! How did you earn that title, and how does it play out in your life and work?
I started writing and podcasting about sex and dating in sobriety because there wasn’t (and still isn’t!) much info about it. Ruby Warrington called me “The Sober Sexpert” while we did a live event a few years ago, and it stuck! And now The Sober Sexpert is on my book cover! Sobriety is truly so wild.
For sober folks looking to date or find a romantic and/or sexual partner, do you recommend particular dating apps? How about saying they’re sober in their profile?
I address all this in the following articles:
Note: Definitely check out the above posts! Both are full of wise, actionable guidance—including for folks already in relationships when getting sober, and those seeking new relationships in sobriety.
Aside from apps, any other suggestions for meeting potential romantic/sexual/life partners when sober?
Take a class! This might sound nuts, but I mean it. Take a class, try something new. Pottery, writing, Spanish, yoga, anything that interests you. I promise you’ll at least make a new friend and maybe find a fun date or two. And even if you don’t, you’ll have newfound confidence because you’re exploring yourself. This confidence will show up on dates!
At this point in life, I have zero desire to be in a romantic or otherwise intimate relationship with someone who drinks alcohol. That said, I realize these sorts of “non-negotiables” are different for everyone and often change over time. For me, the reasons have nothing to do with feeling tempted to drink (being around folks who are drinking reminds me why I don’t!). It’s more about finding alcohol (and how it changes a person’s personality) a total turn-off. I’m curious whether you have non-negotiables related to alcohol and dating and/or sexual and/or romantic relationships.
I just knew that I couldn’t date someone who partied. They didn’t have to be sober, but I just can’t date someone who drinks to the point of intoxication on a regular basis. I also need someone who’s in therapy and self-aware. Thankfully my partner checks all of those boxes!
What are your top 3 tips for someone who’s sober and worried about meeting romantic/sexual/intimate partners, sober dating, or sober sex?
Dry Dating is becoming almost as ubiquitous as Dry January. Folks all over the globe are gravitating toward a more mindful way of life. As the world grows more mindful and as that mindfulness intersects with sober curiosity, I’ve received a surge of requests for booze-free date ideas in my email and DMs.
Any date can technically be a sober date as long as you don’t drink, but here’s a list of some tried and true, think-outside-the-box ideas. These activities can be a new go-to for first dates as well as opportunities for reconnection for long-term couples.
Note: More from Tawny here, including why alcohol might make your sex life worse.
How about if someone’s already in a relationship and getting sober (or considering it), but their partner drinks and they don’t want to end the relationship?
Whether you’re telling a first date that you’re sober or confiding in your long-term partner about cutting back on booze, clear communication is of the utmost importance. Consider putting the emphasis on what sobriety gives you instead of what you’re “missing.”
For example, “Removing alcohol from my life helps me feel balanced. I can show up for myself and my loved ones in a healthy way,” as opposed to, “I can’t drink anymore.” Focusing on the positive shows that you’re in control and overall happy about your decisions. It’s also important to let them know what type of support you need during this time. Maybe you hope they’ll attend a support group like Al-Anon for those who love people who are giving up alcohol. Or maybe you want to bring in a couples’ therapist to proactively work through any potential issues that may arise.
Note: More from Tawny here, including different options for when and how to come out as sober.
As a sober person who identifies as queer, gender fluid, and pansexual (and who drank during my twenties, when coming out), I’m super-interested in the intersection between sobriety and identifying as 2SLGBTQIA+. I’d love to hear anything you have to share on this.
Before I quit drinking, I frequently Googled “Do I have a drinking problem?” I now know that type of research usually means that, on some level, the researcher most likely needs to change their relationship with alcohol.
Discovering my bisexuality was very similar for me. I spent so much time Googling “Am I bisexual?” that I now can only look back and laugh while nodding YES, YOU ARE! I waited for some mystical sign to make everything crystal clear for me when I knew the truth all along: Life is better without booze, and I’m extremely happy waving the pink/purple/blue bi pride flag.
Note: More from Tawny here, including how this relates to honesty, representation, and education.
Thank you, Tawny! I’m grateful for your responses and excited for your book!
Remember, everyone: Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze comes out this September. Pre-order it here (pre-orders are a huge deal for authors and a powerful, meaningful way to show support through our dollars and actions).
Find Tawny’s website, with podcast links and more, here.
Happy Sunday. xo.
Dana
This post includes affiliate links to Bookshop.org, where I’m also building out recommended book lists—including one all about sobriety and recovery. If you purchase through my links, I’ll probably earn a few coins (literally, a few coins). While I’d greatly appreciate it, zero pressure. Feel free to get books wherever they’re sold—most especially at small, tucked-away bookshops and libraries.
Thanks so much for this interview - timely and useful -and with helpful links, too! I very much appreciate being fully present and showing up - and being sober allows me to do that. It's a win for me, but also a win for those close to me.