You are such a glorious writer, Dana. I just gobble up your words. Thank you for making me think. Like, really think. Critically. It’s wild how the internet has really programmed me / us into glossing things over and checking off boxes and being a certain way.
Your writing is a breath of fresh air Dana. Yes, there is an invisible straight jacket we’re all trying to fit into in the online world! It can feel akin to high school sometimes, with the cool kids setting the expectations of how we all show up, what we think, what we wear. And the painful discord and fear of rejection when we feel different or weird. I was that weird, shy kid in high school, who learned to shapeshift and mold myself to be what I thought was required to be acceptable. It continues to show up, including here. The fear of not fitting in is real. I appreciate you calling out these dynamics. You have given me lots of food for thought. And I’d love to see more diversity of narratives in the online space.
Thanks so much, Vicki - including for how you show up in your own writing here on Substack, with such awareness, integrity, and care. I was that weird, shy kid too!
It’s fair to say you captured quite a few of my frustrations with ‘the machine’. The ‘machine’ was created and amplified by the real Mad Men - the ones that extract whatever excess value they can, yet are blinded to acknowledge a social compact where they ought to make a deposit.
Unfortunately the machine has scarred many from being open to being truly relatable; which, for me, explains the plastic relatable. It doesn’t excuse it - it explains it.
The same scarring provides those that deny the plastic life with their own set of trauma to recover from (or carry until ready to address it).
Thanks for being here and sharing, Ed. “Plastic” feels like the perfect word here in so many ways. Except make it appropriately ecowashed and packaged in pretty branding ;).
Totally agree, Ed. The unique pressure on women to show up online as relatable feels more like a systemic issue than an issue of any one person. It just feels like another iteration of “the machine” (in this case the unique blend of capitalism and patriarchy that shows up most obviously in the US and other western cultures) pushing women to be good girls above all else. It’s a catch-22: women want to be independent and be able to provide for themselves without relying on their partners, while also needing time flexibility because they have or want children they’re mostly or solely responsible for. Online content creation feels like a viable solution until you realize that you need to show up exactly as Dana has described, which I don’t think I’m being dramatic when I say it’s akin to selling your soul to the internet. It feels like we’re entering into the late stages of this phenomenon with the growing “trad-wife” online trend (which I admittedly am fascinated with! And so the machine lives on….)
Thank you for writing and sharing this, Dana - I read it over the weekend and have thought about it a lot over the past couple of days. I feel the pressure to be relatable - and all the peer-policing and self-censoring that goes along with it - is a form of gendered violence. It's another form of control that seems to disproportionately impact women and other marginalised genders, and I hate it! It is absolutely rotting my brain and my brain is all I've got when it comes to critical thinking, creativity, and compassion towards myself and my fellow humans that I share communities, IRL and digital spaces, and a planet with. Practicing prioritising depth, and within that voicing what we really think and feel - if and when it's safe for us to do so - is such a necessary and ongoing commitment. For me, tracking the things that contribute to my feeling less safe in doing that feels important. So for instance, recognising if and when I feel my own thoughts being distorted by the content I'm engaging with, and taking steps to address or counterbalance that. It's so insidious and poisonous, I'm grateful for this reminder of how important it is to acknowledge and resist the relatable brain rot!
Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply, Jane. Peer-policing and self-censoring feel like such important aspects of this, and I think both reached a whole new level after 2020. One of the biggest benefits I experienced after quitting Facebook and Instagram (and never getting on the rest of it, other than Notes) was being able to better explore and figure out my own thoughts, feelings, opinions, and beliefs without all the noise from so many directions. I love how you describe noticing and addressing when your own thoughts are being distorted by content you’re consuming - sounds like such a helpful, increasingly necessary practice. Thank you again for being here and sharing, Jane!
You have articulated my thoughts for this space and other social media platforms perfectly. You can move from one influencer to another and they’re all sharing the same content and thoughts. Like Eliza said in earlier comments, I also believe that some content creators/influencers move into this space because it is an income space accessible to them. But what is maddening is that they all just create the same content. And boy do I consume it! I try and stay off instagram but when I do scroll after time away, I’ve somehow put 8 different serums in my cart, 4 sweaters I don’t need, and new “pieces” of cashmere I’ll never afford. We’re all reading the same books, scrolling the same Substacks, and buying the same things all to feel like we’re in some club. Whatever club that is I am trying to opt out. Like you Dana, I love this relatable content. Somehow it feels warms and cozy but beyond a new skincare product I should buy, I go away with not much else. Thanks for putting words to my frustrations and some inspiration to create differently and unexpectedly in this space.
Thanks so much for sharing, Lindsey. And I so hear you. I inhale “relatable” content and recommendations even though I don’t even buy the stuff or watch tv. It’s like, part of me finds it soothing and lulling to imagine others living these lives.
I’m still thinking through Eliza’s comment. I agree with much of it, but I’ve grown wary of the rush (in general, not by Eliza) to blame capitalism and the patriarchy in a blanket way, almost like a soundbite or slogan - including by people who are financially thriving within that same system (whether relative to the American population, or at least relative to the world’s population). Within that system, not everyone’s making the same choices, and I think there’s some self-accountability that needs to happen rather than just blaming The Machine. Though of course there are major systemic problems, we have far more personal agency and choice than I think most choose to realize (and I say that as someone who’s lived paycheque to paycheque most of my life). Also, specific to this essay, many of the women I had in mind while writing it are very well off....yet make sure to blame capitalism and the patriarchy from time to time.
Thank you again for sharing and for being here, Lindsey. These conversations fascinate me and I find them way more interesting than the latest miracle serum or viral show!
Yeah I definitely experience that fear of being the weird one / breaking from the norm of what’s “relatable” online, and maybe another word for it is what’s “palatable”, “acceptable”, “doesn’t cause much of a stir”, etc. I also took a long break from social media and felt all of that worry about how I’ll be perceived melt away, and I’ve been back on social for 2 weeks now, and it all came flooding back. That contrast is really making me wonder if it’s worth being online anymore.
Thanks so much for sharing, Pop. You’re certainly not alone in that fear. I like the phrase “doesn’t cause much of a stir.” That really captures a key part of the dynamic and what I find problematic. I suspect that, eventually, being less and less online is the answer for me. I don’t seem able to moderate consumption of online content to the degree needed to find true, deep relief. Cheering you on with it all.
Thank you, Dana. This is most interesting. I have a feeling the content of this essay might be a slow burn; getting into my head and influencing me over time as I put it into context.
This line struck me:
"Most disturbing of all, the relatability aesthetic demands that we take our cues from the internet. It programs us to trust what’s online and fed to us by an algorithm more than what surrounds us offline and what we feel deep within."
I was just commenting to my wife yesterday how so many online essays and comments start with, "In today's decisive environment..." (where everything is worse than it's ever been before!). It's an assumptive starting point that so many don't question, as you mention elsewhere in your essay. I say to these writers, Look around and then report back on what you see in your non-internet world. I have a feeling it's not going to be quite as violent and horrible as you say.
My other thought, Dana, is that this relatable content of which you speak; I hadn't ever thought about things that way before (except it did sound like you were describing my sister-in-law). I wonder if there's a way to recognize more quickly when you're reading "relatable content."
Really nice work, Dana. I like how you can take a complex idea and lay it out clearly, making it more consumable for me!
Thanks so much for being here and for your thoughtful comment, Don. The line you mentioned is probably the most important message I wanted to get across - and goes way beyond the particular aesthetic I focused on in this essay.
The algorithm feeds me loads of so-called relatable content, but it’s no doubt feeding others a whole other aesthetic. At a certain point, it’s as though many of us are living in, reacting to, and conforming to different constructed realities - including realities that are pitted against each other. I believe that being more present in the world (including or especially off of the internet) and within our own bodies and hearts holds much possibility for healing division.
WOW - you said everything I have felt, but could not put into words. I have sort of left other social platforms except Substack. Trying to go back, but feel all of what you said over on Instagram, Tiktok... I don't even want to scroll. I want REALNESS... imperfection real people sharing real shit. That is what I want to give, and receive. I'm working on how to share my experiences and knowledge with realness, so this post came at a perfect time for me. Glad you hit publish!
Thank you for this. For provoking thought. I spent my life trying to be relatable, put the happy face on, yada yada yada. And when I starting sharing/writing my truth it wasn’t always pretty. People close to me who read staged an intervention. “Are you OKAY????!” Yes! More than okay. Guess I just stopped flattening myself…
This statement landed:
“Flattening and denying ourselves and others the full spectrum of humanity and human experience”
Thanks so much for sharing that, Heidi. I, too, had someone close to me question why I write what I write (telling me, "not everyone thinks about their feelings so much"). Here’s to not flattening ourselves. ❤️
Dana, great article. I see this everywhere, and it is frustrating, to say the least. I don't feel the need to be relatable to others. I want to hear their genuine stories and I want to tell my unique experiences. There are bound to be lessons we can share and learn from one another without being "the same." Relatability is more realistic when it is serendipitous rather than scripted.
"And of course there are moments where outrage is not only called for but the price of admission." It's absolutely sobering to realise that we may end up fighting for dysfunctional ideas. But even more so, model it to our(the world's) children.
Thank you, Dana, this gives me much insight and relief that it's ok to break formation even if it may cost me cultural acceptance in the short term.
Wow and thank you. I've always wanted to fit in but have had a different and varied life that only now can I really appreciate. I am easily led down the garden path and silence my inner voice until I feel physically sick. Then I know something's wrong, but I usually think it's me, not everyone else.
I kinda don't want anyone to call me relatable because it would mean they have had to go through all the shit that I have, which while survivable, I can't give more than one star.
I don't participate in social media except for my Recovery groups (thankfully, this trend hasn't blown up to where it is relatable yet, right? because Big Alcohol), so thankfully, my exposure to this awfulness is minimized!
Thank you for your thoughtful writing. We (those of us who can do it safely) all need to be holding each other accountable and pushing back in this way. And continue to choose actual connection rather than sameness. XO
Thanks so much for being here and including me in your online recovery connections, Maria. I, too, have found beautiful companionship and care in online recovery spaces - they offer a wonderful example of how online content and connections can be supportive and nourishing. Hearts to you!
I saw your Note (which is a miracle, because I am not very good at keeping up there!) and had some more thoughts:
I have seen the astrology reflecting back where we have been inhabiting the ends of polarities rather than slogging through the uncomfortable middle, where we sort through complexity, face ourselves and negotiate with others.
Even with this awareness, I was quick to jump into the ‘unrelatable camp’, when the truth is that of course there are not just two sides or a single orchestrator in any complicated situation, and the situation which is causing harm is where focus would best serve all.
My sense is that the internet (in general) is a place for people to find others who have similar opinions and to strengthen/harden those opinions by having them reinforced. It’s not a place that encourages people to shift opinions, or add skeptical nuance to their beliefs. Knowing this, I tend not to participate in the internet’s opinion mill. And I’m skeptical about the kind of “community” the internet fosters.
A few times, I’ve tried to point out how someone’s post is misleading or presents ideas in a way that can lead to more division and harm. I’ve done it respectfully, expressing agreement with the person’s intent and motivations but also suggesting a slightly different approach. It has never gone well.
Internet etiquette is opaque to me. In real life, I’d only venture this sort of conversation 1:1 or in a group where there’s high trust. On the internet, I’ve communicated privately (via DM) so as not to make the person have to defend themselves in public and I’ve communicated publicly so as not to “invade privacy” via DM. I’ve never had a good conversation follow from either approach.
Thanks for sharing that, Dan. It does seem that most people aren’t online to take in different perspectives - at least not with openness and the possibility of not knowing the whole story and maybe even being wrong on something. I think there’s also a lot of reactionary defensiveness online - in no small part because of how brutal and caustic the commenting, cancellation, etc., culture can be. Having conversations one-on-one or in a group with a high level of trust is so different than what’s typical online, that’s for sure.
Agree. Online seems to be more about “finding your people” and therefore (hopefully) feeling some sense of company. That has its value. But when we get to truly know people, they also will occasionally rub us the wrong way—which is part of what makes relationships difficult and also rewarding. Online, there’s not a lot of tolerance for that kind of friction. I think that leads to the kind of lockstep identity performance you wrote about.
I think I have always struggled with being “relatable” to stay in the mix. I’ve had many friendships go by the wayside because I wasn’t willing to numb my true feelings or reactions to things. It boggles my mind to hear some of my friends so caught up in online social networks, latest fads, pressures to look a certain way, use certain products, etc.
It all can make you feel lonely at times & on the fringe not to actively participate. I have never been on Facebook for many reasons. I was on Twitter for a few years following a grief group but the overall ugliness on that site drove me to get off. So I found Substack & I feel at home here. Love your thoughts, Dana. Makes me feel I’m not alone.❤️
This is…relatable. *dodges tomatoes*
You are such a glorious writer, Dana. I just gobble up your words. Thank you for making me think. Like, really think. Critically. It’s wild how the internet has really programmed me / us into glossing things over and checking off boxes and being a certain way.
Thank you from my heart, Laura. Up until the final moment, almost backed out of publishing this one.
Your writing is a breath of fresh air Dana. Yes, there is an invisible straight jacket we’re all trying to fit into in the online world! It can feel akin to high school sometimes, with the cool kids setting the expectations of how we all show up, what we think, what we wear. And the painful discord and fear of rejection when we feel different or weird. I was that weird, shy kid in high school, who learned to shapeshift and mold myself to be what I thought was required to be acceptable. It continues to show up, including here. The fear of not fitting in is real. I appreciate you calling out these dynamics. You have given me lots of food for thought. And I’d love to see more diversity of narratives in the online space.
Thanks so much, Vicki - including for how you show up in your own writing here on Substack, with such awareness, integrity, and care. I was that weird, shy kid too!
It’s fair to say you captured quite a few of my frustrations with ‘the machine’. The ‘machine’ was created and amplified by the real Mad Men - the ones that extract whatever excess value they can, yet are blinded to acknowledge a social compact where they ought to make a deposit.
Unfortunately the machine has scarred many from being open to being truly relatable; which, for me, explains the plastic relatable. It doesn’t excuse it - it explains it.
The same scarring provides those that deny the plastic life with their own set of trauma to recover from (or carry until ready to address it).
Thanks for sharing your contemplations!
Thanks for being here and sharing, Ed. “Plastic” feels like the perfect word here in so many ways. Except make it appropriately ecowashed and packaged in pretty branding ;).
Totally agree, Ed. The unique pressure on women to show up online as relatable feels more like a systemic issue than an issue of any one person. It just feels like another iteration of “the machine” (in this case the unique blend of capitalism and patriarchy that shows up most obviously in the US and other western cultures) pushing women to be good girls above all else. It’s a catch-22: women want to be independent and be able to provide for themselves without relying on their partners, while also needing time flexibility because they have or want children they’re mostly or solely responsible for. Online content creation feels like a viable solution until you realize that you need to show up exactly as Dana has described, which I don’t think I’m being dramatic when I say it’s akin to selling your soul to the internet. It feels like we’re entering into the late stages of this phenomenon with the growing “trad-wife” online trend (which I admittedly am fascinated with! And so the machine lives on….)
Yes to all of this, Eliza!
Thanks for sharing the extended perspective, Eliza.
I root for the counter-culture.
Thank you for writing and sharing this, Dana - I read it over the weekend and have thought about it a lot over the past couple of days. I feel the pressure to be relatable - and all the peer-policing and self-censoring that goes along with it - is a form of gendered violence. It's another form of control that seems to disproportionately impact women and other marginalised genders, and I hate it! It is absolutely rotting my brain and my brain is all I've got when it comes to critical thinking, creativity, and compassion towards myself and my fellow humans that I share communities, IRL and digital spaces, and a planet with. Practicing prioritising depth, and within that voicing what we really think and feel - if and when it's safe for us to do so - is such a necessary and ongoing commitment. For me, tracking the things that contribute to my feeling less safe in doing that feels important. So for instance, recognising if and when I feel my own thoughts being distorted by the content I'm engaging with, and taking steps to address or counterbalance that. It's so insidious and poisonous, I'm grateful for this reminder of how important it is to acknowledge and resist the relatable brain rot!
Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply, Jane. Peer-policing and self-censoring feel like such important aspects of this, and I think both reached a whole new level after 2020. One of the biggest benefits I experienced after quitting Facebook and Instagram (and never getting on the rest of it, other than Notes) was being able to better explore and figure out my own thoughts, feelings, opinions, and beliefs without all the noise from so many directions. I love how you describe noticing and addressing when your own thoughts are being distorted by content you’re consuming - sounds like such a helpful, increasingly necessary practice. Thank you again for being here and sharing, Jane!
You have articulated my thoughts for this space and other social media platforms perfectly. You can move from one influencer to another and they’re all sharing the same content and thoughts. Like Eliza said in earlier comments, I also believe that some content creators/influencers move into this space because it is an income space accessible to them. But what is maddening is that they all just create the same content. And boy do I consume it! I try and stay off instagram but when I do scroll after time away, I’ve somehow put 8 different serums in my cart, 4 sweaters I don’t need, and new “pieces” of cashmere I’ll never afford. We’re all reading the same books, scrolling the same Substacks, and buying the same things all to feel like we’re in some club. Whatever club that is I am trying to opt out. Like you Dana, I love this relatable content. Somehow it feels warms and cozy but beyond a new skincare product I should buy, I go away with not much else. Thanks for putting words to my frustrations and some inspiration to create differently and unexpectedly in this space.
Thanks so much for sharing, Lindsey. And I so hear you. I inhale “relatable” content and recommendations even though I don’t even buy the stuff or watch tv. It’s like, part of me finds it soothing and lulling to imagine others living these lives.
I’m still thinking through Eliza’s comment. I agree with much of it, but I’ve grown wary of the rush (in general, not by Eliza) to blame capitalism and the patriarchy in a blanket way, almost like a soundbite or slogan - including by people who are financially thriving within that same system (whether relative to the American population, or at least relative to the world’s population). Within that system, not everyone’s making the same choices, and I think there’s some self-accountability that needs to happen rather than just blaming The Machine. Though of course there are major systemic problems, we have far more personal agency and choice than I think most choose to realize (and I say that as someone who’s lived paycheque to paycheque most of my life). Also, specific to this essay, many of the women I had in mind while writing it are very well off....yet make sure to blame capitalism and the patriarchy from time to time.
Thank you again for sharing and for being here, Lindsey. These conversations fascinate me and I find them way more interesting than the latest miracle serum or viral show!
Yeah I definitely experience that fear of being the weird one / breaking from the norm of what’s “relatable” online, and maybe another word for it is what’s “palatable”, “acceptable”, “doesn’t cause much of a stir”, etc. I also took a long break from social media and felt all of that worry about how I’ll be perceived melt away, and I’ve been back on social for 2 weeks now, and it all came flooding back. That contrast is really making me wonder if it’s worth being online anymore.
Thanks so much for sharing, Pop. You’re certainly not alone in that fear. I like the phrase “doesn’t cause much of a stir.” That really captures a key part of the dynamic and what I find problematic. I suspect that, eventually, being less and less online is the answer for me. I don’t seem able to moderate consumption of online content to the degree needed to find true, deep relief. Cheering you on with it all.
Thank you, Dana. This is most interesting. I have a feeling the content of this essay might be a slow burn; getting into my head and influencing me over time as I put it into context.
This line struck me:
"Most disturbing of all, the relatability aesthetic demands that we take our cues from the internet. It programs us to trust what’s online and fed to us by an algorithm more than what surrounds us offline and what we feel deep within."
I was just commenting to my wife yesterday how so many online essays and comments start with, "In today's decisive environment..." (where everything is worse than it's ever been before!). It's an assumptive starting point that so many don't question, as you mention elsewhere in your essay. I say to these writers, Look around and then report back on what you see in your non-internet world. I have a feeling it's not going to be quite as violent and horrible as you say.
My other thought, Dana, is that this relatable content of which you speak; I hadn't ever thought about things that way before (except it did sound like you were describing my sister-in-law). I wonder if there's a way to recognize more quickly when you're reading "relatable content."
Really nice work, Dana. I like how you can take a complex idea and lay it out clearly, making it more consumable for me!
Thanks so much for being here and for your thoughtful comment, Don. The line you mentioned is probably the most important message I wanted to get across - and goes way beyond the particular aesthetic I focused on in this essay.
The algorithm feeds me loads of so-called relatable content, but it’s no doubt feeding others a whole other aesthetic. At a certain point, it’s as though many of us are living in, reacting to, and conforming to different constructed realities - including realities that are pitted against each other. I believe that being more present in the world (including or especially off of the internet) and within our own bodies and hearts holds much possibility for healing division.
WOW - you said everything I have felt, but could not put into words. I have sort of left other social platforms except Substack. Trying to go back, but feel all of what you said over on Instagram, Tiktok... I don't even want to scroll. I want REALNESS... imperfection real people sharing real shit. That is what I want to give, and receive. I'm working on how to share my experiences and knowledge with realness, so this post came at a perfect time for me. Glad you hit publish!
Realness - yes! Thanks so much for being here, Melissa. ❤️
Thank you for this. For provoking thought. I spent my life trying to be relatable, put the happy face on, yada yada yada. And when I starting sharing/writing my truth it wasn’t always pretty. People close to me who read staged an intervention. “Are you OKAY????!” Yes! More than okay. Guess I just stopped flattening myself…
This statement landed:
“Flattening and denying ourselves and others the full spectrum of humanity and human experience”
Thanks so much for sharing that, Heidi. I, too, had someone close to me question why I write what I write (telling me, "not everyone thinks about their feelings so much"). Here’s to not flattening ourselves. ❤️
Amen to that!
Dana, great article. I see this everywhere, and it is frustrating, to say the least. I don't feel the need to be relatable to others. I want to hear their genuine stories and I want to tell my unique experiences. There are bound to be lessons we can share and learn from one another without being "the same." Relatability is more realistic when it is serendipitous rather than scripted.
Thanks so much, Matthew. And I love this: "Relatability is more realistic when it is serendipitous rather than scripted." Yes!
"And of course there are moments where outrage is not only called for but the price of admission." It's absolutely sobering to realise that we may end up fighting for dysfunctional ideas. But even more so, model it to our(the world's) children.
Thank you, Dana, this gives me much insight and relief that it's ok to break formation even if it may cost me cultural acceptance in the short term.
Thanks so much for being here, Licinda. And, oof, yes - what are we modelling to kids?
Wow and thank you. I've always wanted to fit in but have had a different and varied life that only now can I really appreciate. I am easily led down the garden path and silence my inner voice until I feel physically sick. Then I know something's wrong, but I usually think it's me, not everyone else.
Thanks so much for being here and for sharing, Hilary. Celebrating your different and varied life, and rooting for you inner voice! ❤️
I kinda don't want anyone to call me relatable because it would mean they have had to go through all the shit that I have, which while survivable, I can't give more than one star.
I don't participate in social media except for my Recovery groups (thankfully, this trend hasn't blown up to where it is relatable yet, right? because Big Alcohol), so thankfully, my exposure to this awfulness is minimized!
Thank you for your thoughtful writing. We (those of us who can do it safely) all need to be holding each other accountable and pushing back in this way. And continue to choose actual connection rather than sameness. XO
Thanks so much for being here and including me in your online recovery connections, Maria. I, too, have found beautiful companionship and care in online recovery spaces - they offer a wonderful example of how online content and connections can be supportive and nourishing. Hearts to you!
I saw your Note (which is a miracle, because I am not very good at keeping up there!) and had some more thoughts:
I have seen the astrology reflecting back where we have been inhabiting the ends of polarities rather than slogging through the uncomfortable middle, where we sort through complexity, face ourselves and negotiate with others.
Even with this awareness, I was quick to jump into the ‘unrelatable camp’, when the truth is that of course there are not just two sides or a single orchestrator in any complicated situation, and the situation which is causing harm is where focus would best serve all.
Thank you for your work Dana!
What a beautiful, useful perspective, Maria. Thank you so much for sharing that - I agree!
My sense is that the internet (in general) is a place for people to find others who have similar opinions and to strengthen/harden those opinions by having them reinforced. It’s not a place that encourages people to shift opinions, or add skeptical nuance to their beliefs. Knowing this, I tend not to participate in the internet’s opinion mill. And I’m skeptical about the kind of “community” the internet fosters.
A few times, I’ve tried to point out how someone’s post is misleading or presents ideas in a way that can lead to more division and harm. I’ve done it respectfully, expressing agreement with the person’s intent and motivations but also suggesting a slightly different approach. It has never gone well.
Internet etiquette is opaque to me. In real life, I’d only venture this sort of conversation 1:1 or in a group where there’s high trust. On the internet, I’ve communicated privately (via DM) so as not to make the person have to defend themselves in public and I’ve communicated publicly so as not to “invade privacy” via DM. I’ve never had a good conversation follow from either approach.
Thanks for sharing that, Dan. It does seem that most people aren’t online to take in different perspectives - at least not with openness and the possibility of not knowing the whole story and maybe even being wrong on something. I think there’s also a lot of reactionary defensiveness online - in no small part because of how brutal and caustic the commenting, cancellation, etc., culture can be. Having conversations one-on-one or in a group with a high level of trust is so different than what’s typical online, that’s for sure.
Agree. Online seems to be more about “finding your people” and therefore (hopefully) feeling some sense of company. That has its value. But when we get to truly know people, they also will occasionally rub us the wrong way—which is part of what makes relationships difficult and also rewarding. Online, there’s not a lot of tolerance for that kind of friction. I think that leads to the kind of lockstep identity performance you wrote about.
I think I have always struggled with being “relatable” to stay in the mix. I’ve had many friendships go by the wayside because I wasn’t willing to numb my true feelings or reactions to things. It boggles my mind to hear some of my friends so caught up in online social networks, latest fads, pressures to look a certain way, use certain products, etc.
It all can make you feel lonely at times & on the fringe not to actively participate. I have never been on Facebook for many reasons. I was on Twitter for a few years following a grief group but the overall ugliness on that site drove me to get off. So I found Substack & I feel at home here. Love your thoughts, Dana. Makes me feel I’m not alone.❤️
Thanks so much for sharing and for being here, Tina. ❤️
Lots to think about here, so, I’m having a think 🧡
Thanks for being here, Lucy. Hearts to you!