I’m in favor of just leaving an unappealing comment sit in full view, without answering it and putting gas on the fire or deleting it and making an enemy. But sometimes you just can’t let it go. It feels like I MUST do something!
Here’s my advice, that I’ve used in my own online life for years now to diffuse haters.
When I make myself use it, it has worked most times to make me feel better and clip their comment wings.
I read the crude, rude comment and then carefully reply “Thank you for your comment! You’ve given me a lot to think about, and I really appreciate it.”
That’s it. Don’t poke the bear. It’s not even a lie, because these comments do give us a chance to consolidate, reexamine, affirm, validate, improve.
Oh boy. Isn't this a fun topic? A few things come to mind for this one …
First, my Guiding Teacher stresses the importance of not meddling in others' lives generally, especially not in their spiritual lives, unless invited by them. Even then, she says, proceed with utmost caution. You can do a lot of damage when stepping into someone's business.
This is the case even when we know someone well, say a close friend. Perhaps it is especially the case then. The intimate connection supports a feeling that we can offer specific, direct advice to them and that we are permitted to do so! Yet, even with close friends, how well do we know them? As close as my partner and I are, I have no clue what her "inner life" is like. It seems that Thich Nhat Hanh's encouragement to ask, "Are you sure?" has broad applicability.
Second, I'm glad that almost no one comments on my writing. I need only deal with my headaches!
Third, I touch on some of these themes in next week's offering on Step Ten and Equanimity.
Thank you for your thoughts, Dana. Happy Caturday.
My first response is a heartfelt THANK YOU for this piece, for opening up a larger conversation about this. Having this subject out in the open feels like naming a shadow so that we can all bring light to it. I feel very much the same about unsolicited advice. Maybe, rather than try and "work with" someone who is not respecting your guideline, refer them to some writing--I think your piece here has the language--to educate them about what giving unsolicited advice looks like (I do think some people genuinely do not know, or do not realize the arrogance and potential harm of unsolicited advice) and why this is your policy. And state in this writing that anyone who can't respect this policy is not welcome, or have their comments deleted or blocked. (Whatever you decide to do). The other option is to simply not respond. I sometimes do that on social media, because I can energetically feel that respectful dialogue is not possible. However, there is the risk that someone else may engage....It's tricky--is silence and not responding, somehow being complicit/enabling with this behavior? In the end, it feels like some kind of yang,clear, decisive action (a policy?) is needed to, as a teacher of mine would say, "pierce the veneer of vagueness".
In my youth, I was definitely one of those unsolicited advice givers. I knew what you needed and was going to tell you. Over the years I have come to realize, especially in personal relationships, that advice should be solicited. I hate when people tell me what to do and I am sure others feel that way too. In terms of the comment section, something that works for me is, "thank you for your opinion." You can simply leave it at that or add "I will take it under advisement." Then disengage. How someone responds is about them, not about you. No matter how gently or firmly you respond, you can't control what someone else does.
In NA, I’ve been taught one more reason for not giving unsolicited advice: we addicts generally don’t like being told what to do.
I have no control over others’ behavior; like you, I can only request that my boundaries be respected. Then I can choose my own course of action. Letting it sit without response seems wise to me — unless their comment is wildly inappropriate or off-topic. Then I’d delete it. Thanks for letting me share.
Dana, I’m in favor of “not” liking and certainly not responding to inappropriate comments. Your other readers get it (that you are *not* condoning these) — especially if you routinely “heart” comments on your posts. And there’s always the delete function… it’s your newsletter; you make the rules! ❤️
“Thank you for sharing. I’d love to hear what this looks like for you, in your life and experience.” I saw this when you wrote it and admired you for it. I've been writing about my cancer treatment/experience this past year. I did once manage to respond to a guy saying he'd not take chemo and take vitamin C - with "I hope you're never faced with that decision in real life." Hypothetical experience isn't experience. Now I know I'll be more likely to not give advice or opinions in the future.
Really well thought out and expressed about giving/receiving unsolicited advice. I reluctantly submit that the people who it most may apply to will not “get” it. It took me many years to relinquish my self-appointed role as ‘fixer’. And I cannot help but think about public service announcements that explained the great harm of smoking…there is not and was not a smoker (myself included) who quit smoking due to being educated on the harmful effects. I enjoy your posts, your honesty and clarity of thought and would not presume to offer advice about dealing with those who just can’t help but say something preachy… see, there is hope for lost souls like me after all!! 🤣🫶🏼 Thanks as always for sharing your thoughts.
I am at a point in my life where I am getting a ton of unsolicited advice. I have found that a "Huh." *pause* "Interesting," tends to give people the impression you appreciate their input and then they stop talking, thinking they have won the day. I think it was in the movie 9 to 5 where Lily Tomlin received some bs memo and she told her boss, "I'll put it in the circular file right away" and then tossed it into the circular garbage can. I do that a lot these days. NOTE: This is not advice. It is just how I do it. You do it however you want.
Yes yes yes!!! As a person who is pretty good not giving unsolicited advice to friends and strangers anymore, family and partner have been another layer entirely. I appreciate you sharing how this habit is really a way of maintaining an identity and likely an addiction or at least very strong habit pattern that is crying out for attention.
In my clear and wise mind, the little said the better to people who ignore a request for no advice please. I have noticed for those inclined to do so, to barge through boundaries anyway, they only get energized further (?defended) when the request is re- stated. Your plan for not responding to those who ignore your first request makes sense to me. Just put down the tug of war rope and they have no more traction. They can only come to see what is happening in their own time.
Great essay Dana - loved it! And you! Thanks for moving me along in learning how to handle the no unsolicited advice from both sides of the interaction ❤️
I wonder about this too. Energetically, I understand the more we push against what we don’t want, the more we get ‘that’. I like the clear boundary and do not engage approach to ‘let it fall’ - fairly untested online except ‘all with love’ feels right to me. And then again, not deleting strongly harmful words that contain power leaves them an active force. Maybe it’s a combination of ignore/delete.
Dana, I'm so sorry this happened. I'll share my thoughts, and how I approach things like this, in the hopes that they may be helpful.
I always approach people who feel compelled to share advice (despite being asked not to do so) with the idea that they are either triggered and needing to release that energy, or that they are triggered and needing to release that energy. Seriously. It's one thing for people to give advice in general (usually trying to be helpful) but another for folks to ignore explicit requests. This is a boundary violation. It's not coming from a place of helpfulness, but a place of judgement and superiority. It's a way for people to feel in control of the emotions that the work has stirred up in them.
I am good friends with the block button, if folks don't respect my requests.
It's clear that you're cultivating a lovely community. One of the downsides of sharing ourselves on here is that we can unintentionally become vulnerable to the judgements of others. It stings when people read my work from a place of judgement, but that is their problem, not mine. They aren't really my audience. You were giving them chances to do better, and they refused those chances.
With comments like this I usually let them sit. Sometimes I'll heart them. Sometimes I'll say thank you. But if it's aggressive, I'll just ignore it. Usually readers step in and comment. If someone comments like this on multiple posts and they aren't part of the community (not subscribers etc.) I will just block them. It's not worth my energy, honestly. If the comments are especially egregious, I'll delete them. We get to decide what we accept in our space! No one worthwhile would judge you for that (again, in my opinion).
It may be helpful to put in bright bold letters at the top of every newsletter: NOT ASKING FOR ADVICE (maybe in nicer terms than that lol). Then when someone violates that you can take whatever action you'd like, knowing that they were well aware of the terms of engagement. We all deserve to be treated with respect, especially when we are being so vulnerable and open about our struggles.
I hope this is helpful and that you have a wonderful weekend <3.
It all depends on the context and the intention. I'm always open to constructive input but very often there is judgement and negativity and I block that straight away.
The great thing about the digital world is that you can actually make people disappear when needed.
"It’s just that, even if they don’t realize it, “giving” from this place often has a lot to do with feeding their own sense of identity and meeting their own needs"....THIS!
I am far from perfect and have given much unsolicited advice in the past however something I read by the English Raconteur, Quentin Crisp really rang true last year and I paraphrased it somewhere on one of my own posts. To paraphrase him again, more trouble is caused when we try to do what we think is best for others by giving them unwanted advice.
Really lovely, thoughtful post. I too try never to give unsolicited advice, but ask first if a person would like to hear.
In answer to your question about what to do, in order for the comment section not to become filled with unsolicited advice you may need to re-inforce the norm you’ve established. So awkward, with potential conflict. Ugh. No good solution.
Advice is awful. When I was 20 and sitting alone in a Greek taverna, an older man sat down at my table and said the following: “Dear, I have watched you as you sit here writing with young men saying hello and you ignore them. What you should do is dress in a lovely outfit, carry a small bag and let rich men like myself take you to dinner and on trips.” At that moment I was wearing a bikini top and half a sari given to me by someone who had returned from India with dysentery. I was grieving, saying goodbye to friends after a year spent abroad, returning to “Home” where I had come close to death. “No thank you,” I said.
I’m in favor of just leaving an unappealing comment sit in full view, without answering it and putting gas on the fire or deleting it and making an enemy. But sometimes you just can’t let it go. It feels like I MUST do something!
Here’s my advice, that I’ve used in my own online life for years now to diffuse haters.
When I make myself use it, it has worked most times to make me feel better and clip their comment wings.
I read the crude, rude comment and then carefully reply “Thank you for your comment! You’ve given me a lot to think about, and I really appreciate it.”
That’s it. Don’t poke the bear. It’s not even a lie, because these comments do give us a chance to consolidate, reexamine, affirm, validate, improve.
Oh boy. Isn't this a fun topic? A few things come to mind for this one …
First, my Guiding Teacher stresses the importance of not meddling in others' lives generally, especially not in their spiritual lives, unless invited by them. Even then, she says, proceed with utmost caution. You can do a lot of damage when stepping into someone's business.
This is the case even when we know someone well, say a close friend. Perhaps it is especially the case then. The intimate connection supports a feeling that we can offer specific, direct advice to them and that we are permitted to do so! Yet, even with close friends, how well do we know them? As close as my partner and I are, I have no clue what her "inner life" is like. It seems that Thich Nhat Hanh's encouragement to ask, "Are you sure?" has broad applicability.
Second, I'm glad that almost no one comments on my writing. I need only deal with my headaches!
Third, I touch on some of these themes in next week's offering on Step Ten and Equanimity.
Thank you for your thoughts, Dana. Happy Caturday.
My first response is a heartfelt THANK YOU for this piece, for opening up a larger conversation about this. Having this subject out in the open feels like naming a shadow so that we can all bring light to it. I feel very much the same about unsolicited advice. Maybe, rather than try and "work with" someone who is not respecting your guideline, refer them to some writing--I think your piece here has the language--to educate them about what giving unsolicited advice looks like (I do think some people genuinely do not know, or do not realize the arrogance and potential harm of unsolicited advice) and why this is your policy. And state in this writing that anyone who can't respect this policy is not welcome, or have their comments deleted or blocked. (Whatever you decide to do). The other option is to simply not respond. I sometimes do that on social media, because I can energetically feel that respectful dialogue is not possible. However, there is the risk that someone else may engage....It's tricky--is silence and not responding, somehow being complicit/enabling with this behavior? In the end, it feels like some kind of yang,clear, decisive action (a policy?) is needed to, as a teacher of mine would say, "pierce the veneer of vagueness".
In my youth, I was definitely one of those unsolicited advice givers. I knew what you needed and was going to tell you. Over the years I have come to realize, especially in personal relationships, that advice should be solicited. I hate when people tell me what to do and I am sure others feel that way too. In terms of the comment section, something that works for me is, "thank you for your opinion." You can simply leave it at that or add "I will take it under advisement." Then disengage. How someone responds is about them, not about you. No matter how gently or firmly you respond, you can't control what someone else does.
A great and needed column, Dana, thank you.
In NA, I’ve been taught one more reason for not giving unsolicited advice: we addicts generally don’t like being told what to do.
I have no control over others’ behavior; like you, I can only request that my boundaries be respected. Then I can choose my own course of action. Letting it sit without response seems wise to me — unless their comment is wildly inappropriate or off-topic. Then I’d delete it. Thanks for letting me share.
Dana, I’m in favor of “not” liking and certainly not responding to inappropriate comments. Your other readers get it (that you are *not* condoning these) — especially if you routinely “heart” comments on your posts. And there’s always the delete function… it’s your newsletter; you make the rules! ❤️
“Thank you for sharing. I’d love to hear what this looks like for you, in your life and experience.” I saw this when you wrote it and admired you for it. I've been writing about my cancer treatment/experience this past year. I did once manage to respond to a guy saying he'd not take chemo and take vitamin C - with "I hope you're never faced with that decision in real life." Hypothetical experience isn't experience. Now I know I'll be more likely to not give advice or opinions in the future.
Really well thought out and expressed about giving/receiving unsolicited advice. I reluctantly submit that the people who it most may apply to will not “get” it. It took me many years to relinquish my self-appointed role as ‘fixer’. And I cannot help but think about public service announcements that explained the great harm of smoking…there is not and was not a smoker (myself included) who quit smoking due to being educated on the harmful effects. I enjoy your posts, your honesty and clarity of thought and would not presume to offer advice about dealing with those who just can’t help but say something preachy… see, there is hope for lost souls like me after all!! 🤣🫶🏼 Thanks as always for sharing your thoughts.
I am at a point in my life where I am getting a ton of unsolicited advice. I have found that a "Huh." *pause* "Interesting," tends to give people the impression you appreciate their input and then they stop talking, thinking they have won the day. I think it was in the movie 9 to 5 where Lily Tomlin received some bs memo and she told her boss, "I'll put it in the circular file right away" and then tossed it into the circular garbage can. I do that a lot these days. NOTE: This is not advice. It is just how I do it. You do it however you want.
Yes yes yes!!! As a person who is pretty good not giving unsolicited advice to friends and strangers anymore, family and partner have been another layer entirely. I appreciate you sharing how this habit is really a way of maintaining an identity and likely an addiction or at least very strong habit pattern that is crying out for attention.
In my clear and wise mind, the little said the better to people who ignore a request for no advice please. I have noticed for those inclined to do so, to barge through boundaries anyway, they only get energized further (?defended) when the request is re- stated. Your plan for not responding to those who ignore your first request makes sense to me. Just put down the tug of war rope and they have no more traction. They can only come to see what is happening in their own time.
Great essay Dana - loved it! And you! Thanks for moving me along in learning how to handle the no unsolicited advice from both sides of the interaction ❤️
I wonder about this too. Energetically, I understand the more we push against what we don’t want, the more we get ‘that’. I like the clear boundary and do not engage approach to ‘let it fall’ - fairly untested online except ‘all with love’ feels right to me. And then again, not deleting strongly harmful words that contain power leaves them an active force. Maybe it’s a combination of ignore/delete.
Thanks for an insightful article. 🙏🏻
Dana, I'm so sorry this happened. I'll share my thoughts, and how I approach things like this, in the hopes that they may be helpful.
I always approach people who feel compelled to share advice (despite being asked not to do so) with the idea that they are either triggered and needing to release that energy, or that they are triggered and needing to release that energy. Seriously. It's one thing for people to give advice in general (usually trying to be helpful) but another for folks to ignore explicit requests. This is a boundary violation. It's not coming from a place of helpfulness, but a place of judgement and superiority. It's a way for people to feel in control of the emotions that the work has stirred up in them.
I am good friends with the block button, if folks don't respect my requests.
It's clear that you're cultivating a lovely community. One of the downsides of sharing ourselves on here is that we can unintentionally become vulnerable to the judgements of others. It stings when people read my work from a place of judgement, but that is their problem, not mine. They aren't really my audience. You were giving them chances to do better, and they refused those chances.
With comments like this I usually let them sit. Sometimes I'll heart them. Sometimes I'll say thank you. But if it's aggressive, I'll just ignore it. Usually readers step in and comment. If someone comments like this on multiple posts and they aren't part of the community (not subscribers etc.) I will just block them. It's not worth my energy, honestly. If the comments are especially egregious, I'll delete them. We get to decide what we accept in our space! No one worthwhile would judge you for that (again, in my opinion).
It may be helpful to put in bright bold letters at the top of every newsletter: NOT ASKING FOR ADVICE (maybe in nicer terms than that lol). Then when someone violates that you can take whatever action you'd like, knowing that they were well aware of the terms of engagement. We all deserve to be treated with respect, especially when we are being so vulnerable and open about our struggles.
I hope this is helpful and that you have a wonderful weekend <3.
What a great thought-provoking article.
It all depends on the context and the intention. I'm always open to constructive input but very often there is judgement and negativity and I block that straight away.
The great thing about the digital world is that you can actually make people disappear when needed.
Thank you for sharing!
"It’s just that, even if they don’t realize it, “giving” from this place often has a lot to do with feeding their own sense of identity and meeting their own needs"....THIS!
I am far from perfect and have given much unsolicited advice in the past however something I read by the English Raconteur, Quentin Crisp really rang true last year and I paraphrased it somewhere on one of my own posts. To paraphrase him again, more trouble is caused when we try to do what we think is best for others by giving them unwanted advice.
Really lovely, thoughtful post. I too try never to give unsolicited advice, but ask first if a person would like to hear.
In answer to your question about what to do, in order for the comment section not to become filled with unsolicited advice you may need to re-inforce the norm you’ve established. So awkward, with potential conflict. Ugh. No good solution.
Advice is awful. When I was 20 and sitting alone in a Greek taverna, an older man sat down at my table and said the following: “Dear, I have watched you as you sit here writing with young men saying hello and you ignore them. What you should do is dress in a lovely outfit, carry a small bag and let rich men like myself take you to dinner and on trips.” At that moment I was wearing a bikini top and half a sari given to me by someone who had returned from India with dysentery. I was grieving, saying goodbye to friends after a year spent abroad, returning to “Home” where I had come close to death. “No thank you,” I said.