I’m in favor of just leaving an unappealing comment sit in full view, without answering it and putting gas on the fire or deleting it and making an enemy. But sometimes you just can’t let it go. It feels like I MUST do something!
Here’s my advice, that I’ve used in my own online life for years now to diffuse haters.
When I make myself use it, it has worked most times to make me feel better and clip their comment wings.
I read the crude, rude comment and then carefully reply “Thank you for your comment! You’ve given me a lot to think about, and I really appreciate it.”
That’s it. Don’t poke the bear. It’s not even a lie, because these comments do give us a chance to consolidate, reexamine, affirm, validate, improve.
I love this response because it's true. And I find that's what sometimes paralyzes me in responding to comments I don't know what to do with. I want to stay true to myself without falsely indicating my agreement, consent, interest, support, etc. but this is a lovely way to do both! Thanks for sharing.
Oh boy. Isn't this a fun topic? A few things come to mind for this one …
First, my Guiding Teacher stresses the importance of not meddling in others' lives generally, especially not in their spiritual lives, unless invited by them. Even then, she says, proceed with utmost caution. You can do a lot of damage when stepping into someone's business.
This is the case even when we know someone well, say a close friend. Perhaps it is especially the case then. The intimate connection supports a feeling that we can offer specific, direct advice to them and that we are permitted to do so! Yet, even with close friends, how well do we know them? As close as my partner and I are, I have no clue what her "inner life" is like. It seems that Thich Nhat Hanh's encouragement to ask, "Are you sure?" has broad applicability.
Second, I'm glad that almost no one comments on my writing. I need only deal with my headaches!
Third, I touch on some of these themes in next week's offering on Step Ten and Equanimity.
Thank you for your thoughts, Dana. Happy Caturday.
I was hoping you’d weigh in, Taishin Michael. Your newsletter is full of advice I welcome and need. And I love that question: "Are you sure?" Even just asking myself that feels like a gentle reminder that, really, I know very little. Thank you for being here and Happy Caturday!
You know, the other thing that occurs to me is that—maybe, this is a big maybe—unsolicited advice indicates an absence of trust on the part of the giver in the receiver. "I don't trust you to be able to handle X, Y, and Z yourself (adjust as needed to fit the situation), so I had better tell you how to handle it (again, adjust as needed to fit the situation).
As the son of a father who gave what felt like 1B pieces of unsolicited advice, and the “baby of the family,” I, too, get triggered by unsolicited advice.
It feels belittling and insulting, as if the other person doesn’t trust me to be an adult and know what I need and how to care for myself, or where to find answers or get help if I don’t.
That said, I have to remind myself it’s not personal, especially if the other person doesn’t know me or my background. Nonetheless, it speaks to their awareness and my unresolved grief.
Thanks for sharing, Ryan. I have such sensitivity around receiving unsolicited advice from my parents. And yet, in the last year or two (age 48-49), I’ve come to almost welcome it. It’s as though I’ve finally realized that they are the only people who will ever relate to me as their daughter, and I don’t know how much time we have left together. Still, it triggered me deeply for many years.
And you’re so right: it’s not personal; just two humans with wounds bouncing off each other in ways that sometimes hurt.
What a beautiful transition from deep triggering to almost welcoming it, knowing it's part of being a daughter to your limited time with your parents. And I like how you phrased it "wounds bouncing off each other." Thanks, Dana.
Yes, I tend to receive unsolicited advice as judgement, like you say, that the person giving it thinks I need their help or that they believe their way of handling the situation is better than mine.
That’s how I receive unsolicited advice-giving, especially when it comes from longtime friends. It makes me wonder why they’re friends with me, if they don’t trust I have the ability to approach problems myself. But actually, I only have one or two friends who do that — and what I notice that they have in common is an intense lack of self-awareness. The wisest people I know do not give me advice, or only rarely. Isn’t that interesting?
Thank you for sharing, Susan. And so true! The wisest people in my life never give advice unless I specifically ask, and even then they are likely to respond with questions rather than answers.
I really like these teachings about not meddling in others' lives....and the reminder from Thich Nhat Hanh...makes me think about the dangers of making assumptions, and also the risk of in some way 'taking on' or burdening ourselves with someone else's karma.
In my youth, I was definitely one of those unsolicited advice givers. I knew what you needed and was going to tell you. Over the years I have come to realize, especially in personal relationships, that advice should be solicited. I hate when people tell me what to do and I am sure others feel that way too. In terms of the comment section, something that works for me is, "thank you for your opinion." You can simply leave it at that or add "I will take it under advisement." Then disengage. How someone responds is about them, not about you. No matter how gently or firmly you respond, you can't control what someone else does.
Thank you for sharing your experience and wise advice, Janine. Oh, and me too - I was especially prone to giving unsolicited advice in my mid-twenties 🙂.
My first response is a heartfelt THANK YOU for this piece, for opening up a larger conversation about this. Having this subject out in the open feels like naming a shadow so that we can all bring light to it. I feel very much the same about unsolicited advice. Maybe, rather than try and "work with" someone who is not respecting your guideline, refer them to some writing--I think your piece here has the language--to educate them about what giving unsolicited advice looks like (I do think some people genuinely do not know, or do not realize the arrogance and potential harm of unsolicited advice) and why this is your policy. And state in this writing that anyone who can't respect this policy is not welcome, or have their comments deleted or blocked. (Whatever you decide to do). The other option is to simply not respond. I sometimes do that on social media, because I can energetically feel that respectful dialogue is not possible. However, there is the risk that someone else may engage....It's tricky--is silence and not responding, somehow being complicit/enabling with this behavior? In the end, it feels like some kind of yang,clear, decisive action (a policy?) is needed to, as a teacher of mine would say, "pierce the veneer of vagueness".
Oh, great point, Ellen. I think that gets at the heart of my ambivalence around how to respond. What message am I sending? Is it the one I’m intending to send? Or is it giving them a green light and permission to keep doing the same thing? Thank you for being here and bringing up this aspect. ❤️
and, as someone else commented, Ultimately they will either change or keep doing what they are doing, we are not in control of that...but what I think you are asking is, "What stance do I need to take here?". I am sure the collective wisdom here and your sincere desire for clarity, will help you answer that.
In NA, I’ve been taught one more reason for not giving unsolicited advice: we addicts generally don’t like being told what to do.
I have no control over others’ behavior; like you, I can only request that my boundaries be respected. Then I can choose my own course of action. Letting it sit without response seems wise to me — unless their comment is wildly inappropriate or off-topic. Then I’d delete it. Thanks for letting me share.
Yep, not in recovery circles myself, but I too hate being told what to do, even if it is good advice I will usually resist it when it's offered, unsolicited, without permission.
Dana, I’m in favor of “not” liking and certainly not responding to inappropriate comments. Your other readers get it (that you are *not* condoning these) — especially if you routinely “heart” comments on your posts. And there’s always the delete function… it’s your newsletter; you make the rules! ❤️
“Thank you for sharing. I’d love to hear what this looks like for you, in your life and experience.” I saw this when you wrote it and admired you for it. I've been writing about my cancer treatment/experience this past year. I did once manage to respond to a guy saying he'd not take chemo and take vitamin C - with "I hope you're never faced with that decision in real life." Hypothetical experience isn't experience. Now I know I'll be more likely to not give advice or opinions in the future.
Oof. So sorry you had to deal with that, Ren. Offering unsolicited medical advice is next-level inappropriate and inflictive. I think your response was perfect - just unfortunate that it was needed. Thank you for sharing, for your kind words, and for being here. ❤️
Good example. I have multiple sclerosis and many well meaning people have given me feedback and advice that was mostly hurtful and not at all helpful. One woman was downright angry at me for not watching a video about parasites supposedly causing MS. I have lived with this for decades and get weary of the unsolicited advice. That's different than sharing an interesting article. There are times when the insensitivity of people is astounding. And I really hate the sensationalized claims people make, such as you really don't want to be well or you would pray, try this expensive (unproven) treatment and buy into their aggressive nonsense. To me it is kind of an issue of healthy boundaries. Intruding into the medical decisions of others with advice they don't want is a boundary violation. And there are people out there who teach that cancer and MS and many other diseases are a result of emotional issues and other whacky ideas. I am a Rehab Counselor, and I know that honoring people's journey, their grief associated with losses and changes, and just respecting their agency and autonomy is most helpful.
Thank you for sharing that example, Susan - how painful. Offering unsolicited medical advice is a huge boundary violation and makes my blood boil. Plus, as a licensed healthcare professional, I would never offer an individual medical advice without having them sign a consent form, waiver, etc. There are reasons why those safeguards are in place, and one of them is to establish a clearly defined, mutually consensual relationship within legal and ethical parameters.
I agree completely. Ironically living with MS for most of my adult life has taught me to let the advice roll off of me (at least I often I can do this). And I have wonderful, healthy relationships in my life with mutual support. So I am grateful. Thanks for this post and the thread that followed. One thing people say to those of us with MS is “But you look so good.” When people go through trials themselves they start to realize that denial serves no one well, and hopefully they learn to relate in gentler, more supportive ways. I learned long ago to let go of what others think or say. It’s not my job☺️
I am at a point in my life where I am getting a ton of unsolicited advice. I have found that a "Huh." *pause* "Interesting," tends to give people the impression you appreciate their input and then they stop talking, thinking they have won the day. I think it was in the movie 9 to 5 where Lily Tomlin received some bs memo and she told her boss, "I'll put it in the circular file right away" and then tossed it into the circular garbage can. I do that a lot these days. NOTE: This is not advice. It is just how I do it. You do it however you want.
Really well thought out and expressed about giving/receiving unsolicited advice. I reluctantly submit that the people who it most may apply to will not “get” it. It took me many years to relinquish my self-appointed role as ‘fixer’. And I cannot help but think about public service announcements that explained the great harm of smoking…there is not and was not a smoker (myself included) who quit smoking due to being educated on the harmful effects. I enjoy your posts, your honesty and clarity of thought and would not presume to offer advice about dealing with those who just can’t help but say something preachy… see, there is hope for lost souls like me after all!! 🤣🫶🏼 Thanks as always for sharing your thoughts.
Aww, thank you so much for sharing and for your generous words, Tracy. And believe me, I’ve been attached to my role as the ‘fixer’ at times. Huge recognition for your self-awareness and journey with it all. That sort of practice is such a gift to others we meet along the way. ❤️
I had a close friend comment on social media about something I shared, and honestly, he should have known better, but when he commented I just said, “thank you for your thoughts.” That pissed him off, like because he took the time to throw a bunch of intellectual bullshit at me I should engage in the discussion. Because he was a close friend (was being the operative word) I did kindly explain that the issue was too close to my heart to debate, and that I wasn’t willing to do so. He said he understood but he wished more people would think with their heads and not their hearts. My internal response to that: 🖕🏻
Yes yes yes!!! As a person who is pretty good not giving unsolicited advice to friends and strangers anymore, family and partner have been another layer entirely. I appreciate you sharing how this habit is really a way of maintaining an identity and likely an addiction or at least very strong habit pattern that is crying out for attention.
In my clear and wise mind, the little said the better to people who ignore a request for no advice please. I have noticed for those inclined to do so, to barge through boundaries anyway, they only get energized further (?defended) when the request is re- stated. Your plan for not responding to those who ignore your first request makes sense to me. Just put down the tug of war rope and they have no more traction. They can only come to see what is happening in their own time.
Great essay Dana - loved it! And you! Thanks for moving me along in learning how to handle the no unsolicited advice from both sides of the interaction ❤️
Thank you so much, Cindy. That’s so true about the doubling down that can happen. And yes! Family and partners are next level when it comes to this sort of practice (on both sides of advice giving/getting). I’m still learning and practicing when it comes to my closest relationships, that’s for sure. Grateful for your share and presence here! ❤️
I wonder about this too. Energetically, I understand the more we push against what we don’t want, the more we get ‘that’. I like the clear boundary and do not engage approach to ‘let it fall’ - fairly untested online except ‘all with love’ feels right to me. And then again, not deleting strongly harmful words that contain power leaves them an active force. Maybe it’s a combination of ignore/delete.
Advice is awful. When I was 20 and sitting alone in a Greek taverna, an older man sat down at my table and said the following: “Dear, I have watched you as you sit here writing with young men saying hello and you ignore them. What you should do is dress in a lovely outfit, carry a small bag and let rich men like myself take you to dinner and on trips.” At that moment I was wearing a bikini top and half a sari given to me by someone who had returned from India with dysentery. I was grieving, saying goodbye to friends after a year spent abroad, returning to “Home” where I had come close to death. “No thank you,” I said.
OMG. The horror, Molly. I can’t even. When I was in my 20s, I regularly allowed older male strangers to say things like: “You should smile more” (including when I was suffering from full-on depression). It would enrage me, but also left me feeling deeply ashamed and as though I was the problem and why couldn’t I just be more sociable and friendly. Thankfully, the adage about running out of fucks to give kicked in when I reached my 40s. There’s a reason why many women learn to put up strong defences!
Furthermore, if the receiver pushes back and defends their boundaries, the offender often responds with gaslighting: "You're too sensitive," "I was only trying to help."
I’m so glad you brought up that variety of gaslighting, Logan. The doubling down and gaslighting last week left me feeling as though I was going to spontaneously combust. 🤯 Thank you for capturing that aspect and for being here!
I get some comments I don't like on my Instagram account and I just delete them. That's what makes me feel good. If that aligns with you, just hit "remove" and it's gone.
Dana, I'm so sorry this happened. I'll share my thoughts, and how I approach things like this, in the hopes that they may be helpful.
I always approach people who feel compelled to share advice (despite being asked not to do so) with the idea that they are either triggered and needing to release that energy, or that they are triggered and needing to release that energy. Seriously. It's one thing for people to give advice in general (usually trying to be helpful) but another for folks to ignore explicit requests. This is a boundary violation. It's not coming from a place of helpfulness, but a place of judgement and superiority. It's a way for people to feel in control of the emotions that the work has stirred up in them.
I am good friends with the block button, if folks don't respect my requests.
It's clear that you're cultivating a lovely community. One of the downsides of sharing ourselves on here is that we can unintentionally become vulnerable to the judgements of others. It stings when people read my work from a place of judgement, but that is their problem, not mine. They aren't really my audience. You were giving them chances to do better, and they refused those chances.
With comments like this I usually let them sit. Sometimes I'll heart them. Sometimes I'll say thank you. But if it's aggressive, I'll just ignore it. Usually readers step in and comment. If someone comments like this on multiple posts and they aren't part of the community (not subscribers etc.) I will just block them. It's not worth my energy, honestly. If the comments are especially egregious, I'll delete them. We get to decide what we accept in our space! No one worthwhile would judge you for that (again, in my opinion).
It may be helpful to put in bright bold letters at the top of every newsletter: NOT ASKING FOR ADVICE (maybe in nicer terms than that lol). Then when someone violates that you can take whatever action you'd like, knowing that they were well aware of the terms of engagement. We all deserve to be treated with respect, especially when we are being so vulnerable and open about our struggles.
I hope this is helpful and that you have a wonderful weekend <3.
Thank you, River. That was very helpful, and I love that you pointed out the boundary violation, the attempt at control, and how we get to decide what and who is welcome in our online home. Hearts to you!
I’m in favor of just leaving an unappealing comment sit in full view, without answering it and putting gas on the fire or deleting it and making an enemy. But sometimes you just can’t let it go. It feels like I MUST do something!
Here’s my advice, that I’ve used in my own online life for years now to diffuse haters.
When I make myself use it, it has worked most times to make me feel better and clip their comment wings.
I read the crude, rude comment and then carefully reply “Thank you for your comment! You’ve given me a lot to think about, and I really appreciate it.”
That’s it. Don’t poke the bear. It’s not even a lie, because these comments do give us a chance to consolidate, reexamine, affirm, validate, improve.
Thank you, Tim! Love that response. Completely diffuses the situation.
I love this response because it's true. And I find that's what sometimes paralyzes me in responding to comments I don't know what to do with. I want to stay true to myself without falsely indicating my agreement, consent, interest, support, etc. but this is a lovely way to do both! Thanks for sharing.
Oh boy. Isn't this a fun topic? A few things come to mind for this one …
First, my Guiding Teacher stresses the importance of not meddling in others' lives generally, especially not in their spiritual lives, unless invited by them. Even then, she says, proceed with utmost caution. You can do a lot of damage when stepping into someone's business.
This is the case even when we know someone well, say a close friend. Perhaps it is especially the case then. The intimate connection supports a feeling that we can offer specific, direct advice to them and that we are permitted to do so! Yet, even with close friends, how well do we know them? As close as my partner and I are, I have no clue what her "inner life" is like. It seems that Thich Nhat Hanh's encouragement to ask, "Are you sure?" has broad applicability.
Second, I'm glad that almost no one comments on my writing. I need only deal with my headaches!
Third, I touch on some of these themes in next week's offering on Step Ten and Equanimity.
Thank you for your thoughts, Dana. Happy Caturday.
I was hoping you’d weigh in, Taishin Michael. Your newsletter is full of advice I welcome and need. And I love that question: "Are you sure?" Even just asking myself that feels like a gentle reminder that, really, I know very little. Thank you for being here and Happy Caturday!
You know, the other thing that occurs to me is that—maybe, this is a big maybe—unsolicited advice indicates an absence of trust on the part of the giver in the receiver. "I don't trust you to be able to handle X, Y, and Z yourself (adjust as needed to fit the situation), so I had better tell you how to handle it (again, adjust as needed to fit the situation).
That's an interesting way to relate to others.
That rings so true, Taishin Michael. Maybe that’s one reason I find it triggering.
As the son of a father who gave what felt like 1B pieces of unsolicited advice, and the “baby of the family,” I, too, get triggered by unsolicited advice.
It feels belittling and insulting, as if the other person doesn’t trust me to be an adult and know what I need and how to care for myself, or where to find answers or get help if I don’t.
That said, I have to remind myself it’s not personal, especially if the other person doesn’t know me or my background. Nonetheless, it speaks to their awareness and my unresolved grief.
Thanks for sharing, Ryan. I have such sensitivity around receiving unsolicited advice from my parents. And yet, in the last year or two (age 48-49), I’ve come to almost welcome it. It’s as though I’ve finally realized that they are the only people who will ever relate to me as their daughter, and I don’t know how much time we have left together. Still, it triggered me deeply for many years.
And you’re so right: it’s not personal; just two humans with wounds bouncing off each other in ways that sometimes hurt.
What a beautiful transition from deep triggering to almost welcoming it, knowing it's part of being a daughter to your limited time with your parents. And I like how you phrased it "wounds bouncing off each other." Thanks, Dana.
Yes, I tend to receive unsolicited advice as judgement, like you say, that the person giving it thinks I need their help or that they believe their way of handling the situation is better than mine.
That’s how I receive unsolicited advice-giving, especially when it comes from longtime friends. It makes me wonder why they’re friends with me, if they don’t trust I have the ability to approach problems myself. But actually, I only have one or two friends who do that — and what I notice that they have in common is an intense lack of self-awareness. The wisest people I know do not give me advice, or only rarely. Isn’t that interesting?
Thank you for sharing, Susan. And so true! The wisest people in my life never give advice unless I specifically ask, and even then they are likely to respond with questions rather than answers.
This is exactly how I perceive unsolicited advice Taishin!
"Are you sure?" Oh, how I love that! I think that'll be spoken, and heard, a few times in this ol' house ; )
Are you sure?
(For those who don’t know, Randy is my partner, housemate, and Love. 😁)
I really like these teachings about not meddling in others' lives....and the reminder from Thich Nhat Hanh...makes me think about the dangers of making assumptions, and also the risk of in some way 'taking on' or burdening ourselves with someone else's karma.
In my youth, I was definitely one of those unsolicited advice givers. I knew what you needed and was going to tell you. Over the years I have come to realize, especially in personal relationships, that advice should be solicited. I hate when people tell me what to do and I am sure others feel that way too. In terms of the comment section, something that works for me is, "thank you for your opinion." You can simply leave it at that or add "I will take it under advisement." Then disengage. How someone responds is about them, not about you. No matter how gently or firmly you respond, you can't control what someone else does.
Thank you for sharing your experience and wise advice, Janine. Oh, and me too - I was especially prone to giving unsolicited advice in my mid-twenties 🙂.
My first response is a heartfelt THANK YOU for this piece, for opening up a larger conversation about this. Having this subject out in the open feels like naming a shadow so that we can all bring light to it. I feel very much the same about unsolicited advice. Maybe, rather than try and "work with" someone who is not respecting your guideline, refer them to some writing--I think your piece here has the language--to educate them about what giving unsolicited advice looks like (I do think some people genuinely do not know, or do not realize the arrogance and potential harm of unsolicited advice) and why this is your policy. And state in this writing that anyone who can't respect this policy is not welcome, or have their comments deleted or blocked. (Whatever you decide to do). The other option is to simply not respond. I sometimes do that on social media, because I can energetically feel that respectful dialogue is not possible. However, there is the risk that someone else may engage....It's tricky--is silence and not responding, somehow being complicit/enabling with this behavior? In the end, it feels like some kind of yang,clear, decisive action (a policy?) is needed to, as a teacher of mine would say, "pierce the veneer of vagueness".
Oh, great point, Ellen. I think that gets at the heart of my ambivalence around how to respond. What message am I sending? Is it the one I’m intending to send? Or is it giving them a green light and permission to keep doing the same thing? Thank you for being here and bringing up this aspect. ❤️
and, as someone else commented, Ultimately they will either change or keep doing what they are doing, we are not in control of that...but what I think you are asking is, "What stance do I need to take here?". I am sure the collective wisdom here and your sincere desire for clarity, will help you answer that.
A great and needed column, Dana, thank you.
In NA, I’ve been taught one more reason for not giving unsolicited advice: we addicts generally don’t like being told what to do.
I have no control over others’ behavior; like you, I can only request that my boundaries be respected. Then I can choose my own course of action. Letting it sit without response seems wise to me — unless their comment is wildly inappropriate or off-topic. Then I’d delete it. Thanks for letting me share.
Thank you so much for sharing, C.L. And love that additional reason. Even outside of recovery circles, I think it often holds true!
Yep, not in recovery circles myself, but I too hate being told what to do, even if it is good advice I will usually resist it when it's offered, unsolicited, without permission.
Dana, I’m in favor of “not” liking and certainly not responding to inappropriate comments. Your other readers get it (that you are *not* condoning these) — especially if you routinely “heart” comments on your posts. And there’s always the delete function… it’s your newsletter; you make the rules! ❤️
Thank you, Debbie! ❤️
“Thank you for sharing. I’d love to hear what this looks like for you, in your life and experience.” I saw this when you wrote it and admired you for it. I've been writing about my cancer treatment/experience this past year. I did once manage to respond to a guy saying he'd not take chemo and take vitamin C - with "I hope you're never faced with that decision in real life." Hypothetical experience isn't experience. Now I know I'll be more likely to not give advice or opinions in the future.
Oof. So sorry you had to deal with that, Ren. Offering unsolicited medical advice is next-level inappropriate and inflictive. I think your response was perfect - just unfortunate that it was needed. Thank you for sharing, for your kind words, and for being here. ❤️
Good example. I have multiple sclerosis and many well meaning people have given me feedback and advice that was mostly hurtful and not at all helpful. One woman was downright angry at me for not watching a video about parasites supposedly causing MS. I have lived with this for decades and get weary of the unsolicited advice. That's different than sharing an interesting article. There are times when the insensitivity of people is astounding. And I really hate the sensationalized claims people make, such as you really don't want to be well or you would pray, try this expensive (unproven) treatment and buy into their aggressive nonsense. To me it is kind of an issue of healthy boundaries. Intruding into the medical decisions of others with advice they don't want is a boundary violation. And there are people out there who teach that cancer and MS and many other diseases are a result of emotional issues and other whacky ideas. I am a Rehab Counselor, and I know that honoring people's journey, their grief associated with losses and changes, and just respecting their agency and autonomy is most helpful.
Thank you for sharing that example, Susan - how painful. Offering unsolicited medical advice is a huge boundary violation and makes my blood boil. Plus, as a licensed healthcare professional, I would never offer an individual medical advice without having them sign a consent form, waiver, etc. There are reasons why those safeguards are in place, and one of them is to establish a clearly defined, mutually consensual relationship within legal and ethical parameters.
I agree completely. Ironically living with MS for most of my adult life has taught me to let the advice roll off of me (at least I often I can do this). And I have wonderful, healthy relationships in my life with mutual support. So I am grateful. Thanks for this post and the thread that followed. One thing people say to those of us with MS is “But you look so good.” When people go through trials themselves they start to realize that denial serves no one well, and hopefully they learn to relate in gentler, more supportive ways. I learned long ago to let go of what others think or say. It’s not my job☺️
PS. Invalidating comments smell like denial.
I am at a point in my life where I am getting a ton of unsolicited advice. I have found that a "Huh." *pause* "Interesting," tends to give people the impression you appreciate their input and then they stop talking, thinking they have won the day. I think it was in the movie 9 to 5 where Lily Tomlin received some bs memo and she told her boss, "I'll put it in the circular file right away" and then tossed it into the circular garbage can. I do that a lot these days. NOTE: This is not advice. It is just how I do it. You do it however you want.
"I'll put it in the circular file right away." Love that, Anne. Thank you!
Really well thought out and expressed about giving/receiving unsolicited advice. I reluctantly submit that the people who it most may apply to will not “get” it. It took me many years to relinquish my self-appointed role as ‘fixer’. And I cannot help but think about public service announcements that explained the great harm of smoking…there is not and was not a smoker (myself included) who quit smoking due to being educated on the harmful effects. I enjoy your posts, your honesty and clarity of thought and would not presume to offer advice about dealing with those who just can’t help but say something preachy… see, there is hope for lost souls like me after all!! 🤣🫶🏼 Thanks as always for sharing your thoughts.
Aww, thank you so much for sharing and for your generous words, Tracy. And believe me, I’ve been attached to my role as the ‘fixer’ at times. Huge recognition for your self-awareness and journey with it all. That sort of practice is such a gift to others we meet along the way. ❤️
I had a close friend comment on social media about something I shared, and honestly, he should have known better, but when he commented I just said, “thank you for your thoughts.” That pissed him off, like because he took the time to throw a bunch of intellectual bullshit at me I should engage in the discussion. Because he was a close friend (was being the operative word) I did kindly explain that the issue was too close to my heart to debate, and that I wasn’t willing to do so. He said he understood but he wished more people would think with their heads and not their hearts. My internal response to that: 🖕🏻
Haha. I love both of your responses, Jennifer! They seem 100 percent called for. And I sure wish more people would think with their hearts. ❤️
Yes yes yes!!! As a person who is pretty good not giving unsolicited advice to friends and strangers anymore, family and partner have been another layer entirely. I appreciate you sharing how this habit is really a way of maintaining an identity and likely an addiction or at least very strong habit pattern that is crying out for attention.
In my clear and wise mind, the little said the better to people who ignore a request for no advice please. I have noticed for those inclined to do so, to barge through boundaries anyway, they only get energized further (?defended) when the request is re- stated. Your plan for not responding to those who ignore your first request makes sense to me. Just put down the tug of war rope and they have no more traction. They can only come to see what is happening in their own time.
Great essay Dana - loved it! And you! Thanks for moving me along in learning how to handle the no unsolicited advice from both sides of the interaction ❤️
Thank you so much, Cindy. That’s so true about the doubling down that can happen. And yes! Family and partners are next level when it comes to this sort of practice (on both sides of advice giving/getting). I’m still learning and practicing when it comes to my closest relationships, that’s for sure. Grateful for your share and presence here! ❤️
I wonder about this too. Energetically, I understand the more we push against what we don’t want, the more we get ‘that’. I like the clear boundary and do not engage approach to ‘let it fall’ - fairly untested online except ‘all with love’ feels right to me. And then again, not deleting strongly harmful words that contain power leaves them an active force. Maybe it’s a combination of ignore/delete.
Thanks for an insightful article. 🙏🏻
Beautifully put, Michelle! Thank you!
Advice is awful. When I was 20 and sitting alone in a Greek taverna, an older man sat down at my table and said the following: “Dear, I have watched you as you sit here writing with young men saying hello and you ignore them. What you should do is dress in a lovely outfit, carry a small bag and let rich men like myself take you to dinner and on trips.” At that moment I was wearing a bikini top and half a sari given to me by someone who had returned from India with dysentery. I was grieving, saying goodbye to friends after a year spent abroad, returning to “Home” where I had come close to death. “No thank you,” I said.
OMG. The horror, Molly. I can’t even. When I was in my 20s, I regularly allowed older male strangers to say things like: “You should smile more” (including when I was suffering from full-on depression). It would enrage me, but also left me feeling deeply ashamed and as though I was the problem and why couldn’t I just be more sociable and friendly. Thankfully, the adage about running out of fucks to give kicked in when I reached my 40s. There’s a reason why many women learn to put up strong defences!
In a way he helped me realize how lucky I was but that smile thing…it is a blessing to be a scary old lady only lusted after by my chubby cat.🐈⬛
Unsolicited advice is ALWAYS self serving.
Furthermore, if the receiver pushes back and defends their boundaries, the offender often responds with gaslighting: "You're too sensitive," "I was only trying to help."
Sweetie when I want your help, I'll ask for it.
I’m so glad you brought up that variety of gaslighting, Logan. The doubling down and gaslighting last week left me feeling as though I was going to spontaneously combust. 🤯 Thank you for capturing that aspect and for being here!
I get some comments I don't like on my Instagram account and I just delete them. That's what makes me feel good. If that aligns with you, just hit "remove" and it's gone.
Thank you, Amy!
Dana, I'm so sorry this happened. I'll share my thoughts, and how I approach things like this, in the hopes that they may be helpful.
I always approach people who feel compelled to share advice (despite being asked not to do so) with the idea that they are either triggered and needing to release that energy, or that they are triggered and needing to release that energy. Seriously. It's one thing for people to give advice in general (usually trying to be helpful) but another for folks to ignore explicit requests. This is a boundary violation. It's not coming from a place of helpfulness, but a place of judgement and superiority. It's a way for people to feel in control of the emotions that the work has stirred up in them.
I am good friends with the block button, if folks don't respect my requests.
It's clear that you're cultivating a lovely community. One of the downsides of sharing ourselves on here is that we can unintentionally become vulnerable to the judgements of others. It stings when people read my work from a place of judgement, but that is their problem, not mine. They aren't really my audience. You were giving them chances to do better, and they refused those chances.
With comments like this I usually let them sit. Sometimes I'll heart them. Sometimes I'll say thank you. But if it's aggressive, I'll just ignore it. Usually readers step in and comment. If someone comments like this on multiple posts and they aren't part of the community (not subscribers etc.) I will just block them. It's not worth my energy, honestly. If the comments are especially egregious, I'll delete them. We get to decide what we accept in our space! No one worthwhile would judge you for that (again, in my opinion).
It may be helpful to put in bright bold letters at the top of every newsletter: NOT ASKING FOR ADVICE (maybe in nicer terms than that lol). Then when someone violates that you can take whatever action you'd like, knowing that they were well aware of the terms of engagement. We all deserve to be treated with respect, especially when we are being so vulnerable and open about our struggles.
I hope this is helpful and that you have a wonderful weekend <3.
Thank you, River. That was very helpful, and I love that you pointed out the boundary violation, the attempt at control, and how we get to decide what and who is welcome in our online home. Hearts to you!