Love this. And it makes me wonder what it would be like if we all had classes in early schooling that taught us to shift from reaction to thoughtful, conscious response?
Thoughtful idea Randall. But are any of us actually capable of being taught that without doing a ton of our own work first? Reactions come from defenses and wounds established in our childhood—so much of our work towards being more thoughtful and conscious comes after having lived with the negative outcomes of those things. 🤷🏻♂️
Hey Dee, good to hear from you here! I think the earlier we can introduce this, the better. Why not? I mean, I would have a very different reaction to a math problem today if I didn't learn the basics in school, right? It would be a ton harder having to learn math at my age, and from a place of a lifetime of negative responses, than if I had a foundation (I imagine we'll be able to see the results of that hypothesis when this generation gets a little older and is deprived of a calculator) I'm also thinking of languages - think how much easier it is to speak a different language after getting some foundation in school than say landing in Thailand at 61 years old and trying to pick that up from scratch ; )
The most dangerous people, I find, are the ones who share a significant amount of my politics but spew hate and attack people in the name of those politics.
I can see my own progression with how I handle similar situations where people are intentionally spreading hate. Before I would feel it in my body and react without much thought, almost as if it were a personal attack against me (I realize now that this was my own insecurity within my own being, I wasn't confident).
Then it turned to trying to convince the opposition why they were wrong.. which also has issues.
Now for the most part I just continue to share what I believe in and try to open conversations or engage with those who are willing to do it in a civil way. I walk into the conversation looking to understand rather than to convince the other side of something, while also offering my own thoughts. There's a lot to learn "from the other side" too because I'm realising it's not black and white. I think it's similar to what you shared about not being part of either team, there's so much nuance.
My perspectives have shifted a lot since allowing space for conversations like this where I don't agree, sometimes I change my mind because of them.
I don't engage with the hate comments anymore, but if I feel something in result of seeing them I ask myself why. Sometimes it's an invitation to do some more research on something or to open a new conversation to learn more from someone who is willing to explore it with me.
Thank you for such a beautiful response, Kaitlyn! Your "before" feels painfully familiar to me, and I love hearing how this has shifted for you. I have a hunch that your current approach not only feels better, but is also far more effective in fostering helpful change in the world.
It feels sooo much better. It leaves energy for action that (hopefully) is making a bigger difference. I remember feeling so empty and tired of fighting back. It's almost like we give our energy to fuel those who are spewing hate, so they have more of it, which doesn't feel right to me.
It's a hard shift to make, and sometimes I still slip back into old habits by spending time reading hateful comments until I realize it's just not helpful at all.
So beautiful, Dana, and so timely. I've started thinking of it this way... When I'm driving a car and another driver does something that inconveniences me or puts me in danger, like pulling in front of me or cutting me off, I have a tendency to think bad thoughts about that driver - they're stupid or thoughtless or selfish or incapable. But then I try to consciously remind myself that I have no idea of who that person is or what they're going through, and whatever decision they made in that moment had nothing to do with me. It's not personal and it's not a reflection on who they are as a person. I'm trying to take that attitude into my off-road interactions too! None of it's personal, not all of it speaks to people's inherent goodness or "badness", and I'd do well to keep an open mind and recognise that I too sometimes make bad decisions in the moment or say the wrong thing, and I'd hate for people to make moral judgements of me based on those moments. Breathing, perspective taking and, as you so beautifully described, holding your position from your core...
Thank you, Dana, for reminding us all to hold ourselves accountable for our own words and behaviours. 🙏💕
Yes, yes, yes to this! I truly believe that the only way to have influence is to get quiet and listen - truly listen. To ourselves and to others. Especially those with different experiences/views, not just an echo chamber of our own beliefs. To seek the kernel of truth in the other's position. It's one of the biggest challenges in relationships I think, at the personal and political levels. I love how you have articulated this Dana.
And as for balance poses - they show me daily how centred (or scattered) I am in myself - nothing wakes me up and brings me back to the present moment faster than wobbling out of a balance pose 😀
Thank you, Vicki, and beautifully put. Getting quiet, listening, finding even a kernel of truth and sameness - that truly feels essential if we want to reach a better, more beautiful place.
I love how you mention that this applies to the personal as well as the political. The personal (and internal) reflects and influences the whole, I find. If I’m showing up a certain way in one of those, I’m likely showing up that way in all of them. Good news is, this means we have the perfect, always available place to practice!
Thanks so much for being here, Vicki. I’m grateful for your presence and wisdom in the world!
Oh, and yes on the balance poses! You should’ve seen mine yesterday… 😅 They are one of the most humbling, honest indicators and reference points I know.
I recently (as in 2 days ago) finished reading The Awakened Brain by Lisa Miller PhD - it’s a book that looks at spiritualism separate from religion, but in line with the effects spirituality has on overall happiness.
One chapter late in the book was “The Awakened Heart” where she explored “othering” - the shaming, guilt, scapegoating, stigmatizing most of us UNCONSCIOUSLY practice in an effort to feel safety and belonging.
The chapter focused on America’s collapse into “epidemic levels of othering” (albeit reading world news and knowing the impact of the internet, it seems a global problem).
Thoughts are binaries. Red state/blue state; nationalist/immigrant; white/black; queer/straight.
These dividing lines are fueled in social media (if not even ‘algorithmic’ to stoke the fires). “Then you only talk to people who know and like you and think like you, and you don’t talk to other people.” Creating bubbles, which grow narrower and narrower.
I’ve been working on a way to incorporate respectful discourse in the space I’m opening. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve tackled for the space. I am increasingly concerned that social media has polarized bubbles to the point where it’s all “irreconcilable differences”.
Thanks so much for sharing that, Ed. And, oof. It does indeed feel like we’re experiencing “epidemic levels of othering.” Of course it’s nothing new...but online media and social media alters the dynamic and speeds everything up. At a certain point, with othering and binaries, any opening for seeing things more fully, having true conversations, and fostering supportive change is shut down. We’re literally seeing and living in different realities. So much of the online world feels like that lately.
Such a useful primer on how to engage with ourselves and the world around us in a way that may be truly beneficial, thank you, Dana. I especially appreciated the reference to balancing postures in yoga and the practice of focusing internally rather than externally -- and your reminder that 'internal' is what is at our core, which is not the same as our thoughts. Which frankly can be a mess, even when we don't think they are.
As you may know, the first of Buddhism's three pure precepts is "Do no evil," generally interpreted as doing no harm. As we go through this latest election cycle, I try to keep that directive in mind as I talk with others and express myself, both in real life and social media. Sometimes it feels difficult because this election keeps getting ramped up as a do-or-die event, with both sides demonizing the other. To some degree, I think there is truth in at least part of that narrative (the do-or-die part, especially for marginalized populations, not the demonizing which i don't think is ever helpful or true). But still, how can I find my way to participate in this process that is rooted in my core values, not a fear-driven scenario? Sometimes i remember, sometimes I forget. And then I remember all over again.
This is SO needed, and so refreshing! I’m tired and bereft especially being a centrist, libertarian, who’s almost never voted for the extremes on offer… Because the irony is my views are not welcome; it’s as if I’m being told, “you’re not good enough because you’re not perpetually outraged…”
I am wrestling with these and related questions because I do not see the … what shall we call it? "Political battlefield," "Political arena," or "Political thunderdome" … as where I am called to relate to people.
At the same time, what is happening in those spaces is what is alive in a lot of people's lives. I feel a need to be informed, but how much? How can I stay with the conversation without becoming attached to any one point of view or pulled into the conflict? How much media consumption is needed for me to relate to others? There are a lot of ongoing opportunities for exploration.
“Are you coming from a thoughtful, skillful heart centred place”, words that for me really resonate. I’ve often acted on impulse. Someone infuriates me I would lash out often not at all in a thoughtful, skillful or heart centred place. Especially having a daughter who is gay I tend to be overly protective especially given the hate that can be spewed. Especially from some that seek high office. But I am learning to understand that they are the one’s with the problem. Thanks for taking the time to write this and I’m glad you posted this Dana❤️.
Brilliant writing, and spot on. Months back, I wrote an essay about addiction to rage—how it causes the same dopamine effect as any chemical addiction—and questioned how to end it. I think your writing is an excellent place to start. A must-read. Thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you from my heart, Elissa. And you’re so right about addiction to rage. I love your writing and tried to find that essay in your archive but didn’t see it - feel free to post the link here. Such a needed place of exploration and awareness. 🙏🏻
I’ve really been making this a part of my spiritual and therapeutic practices right now. In IFS, there is a term, U-Turn. It’s about going from reactivity to self-leadership. Whenever I’m getting particularly hot and bothered, I bring this to mind. U-turn, Kaitlyn. Gently.
And that sounds like such a useful, needed practice. I love that the term “U-turn” doesn’t carry any judgement or baggage - just a necessary, careful redirect. Also love that term “self-leadership.” Thank you for sharing, Kaitlyn!
You’ve expressed so skillfully how I have been feeling about the current state of affairs.
I am an Independent and get backlash and heated questions lobbed my way from close friends and family simply because I can see and sometimes even, dare I say, appreciate both sides of the aisle. I don’t remember the lesson from childhood that said you must pick a team and stay on it no matter what. Can’t we dissent with thoughtful consideration? Can’t we change our minds?
These lines, in particular, landed for me:
“Because while I do see a place for anger, I see no room for hostility”
Such an important distinction. Anger is useful. Hostility is unnecessary. The line is blurry sometimes.
And:
“Awareness without action is empty.”
Ooof. That one I needed. Big time. I am pretty good at the awareness part. Too often I stop there. I am working on the action piece.
Thanks for this essay, Dana. I can feel the weight of it. It must have been a big one to mold. It’s so powerful. I appreciate you 🫶
Thank you from my heart, Allison. I so feel where you’re at when it comes to not “picking a team” - huge recognition for your choice and courage to stand in integrity. I think that decision alone - made with care and without hostility - is already an important action in these times. It plants the seed that not everyone thinks the same or agrees with the group think and what’s happening, creating some small flicker of cognitive dissonance or questioning (even if deep, deep within). The more of that exists, the more we perhaps have a way to connect human-to-human, heart-to-heart.
Much, much gratitude to you for being here and commenting. This was a hard one for me to write and scary to share. 🙏🏼
Aww - thank you, Annie. Truthfully, I struggled with this essay for a couple of weeks - trying to make sure I wasn’t contributing to the very thing I’m calling out.
Love this. And it makes me wonder what it would be like if we all had classes in early schooling that taught us to shift from reaction to thoughtful, conscious response?
Thoughtful idea Randall. But are any of us actually capable of being taught that without doing a ton of our own work first? Reactions come from defenses and wounds established in our childhood—so much of our work towards being more thoughtful and conscious comes after having lived with the negative outcomes of those things. 🤷🏻♂️
Hey Dee, good to hear from you here! I think the earlier we can introduce this, the better. Why not? I mean, I would have a very different reaction to a math problem today if I didn't learn the basics in school, right? It would be a ton harder having to learn math at my age, and from a place of a lifetime of negative responses, than if I had a foundation (I imagine we'll be able to see the results of that hypothesis when this generation gets a little older and is deprived of a calculator) I'm also thinking of languages - think how much easier it is to speak a different language after getting some foundation in school than say landing in Thailand at 61 years old and trying to pick that up from scratch ; )
Thank you, and yes! What a beautiful difference that might make.
that would be pretty amazing!
The most dangerous people, I find, are the ones who share a significant amount of my politics but spew hate and attack people in the name of those politics.
Wow, yes. This strikes a chord, Sherman. Thank you.
This is a necessary topic at the moment.
I can see my own progression with how I handle similar situations where people are intentionally spreading hate. Before I would feel it in my body and react without much thought, almost as if it were a personal attack against me (I realize now that this was my own insecurity within my own being, I wasn't confident).
Then it turned to trying to convince the opposition why they were wrong.. which also has issues.
Now for the most part I just continue to share what I believe in and try to open conversations or engage with those who are willing to do it in a civil way. I walk into the conversation looking to understand rather than to convince the other side of something, while also offering my own thoughts. There's a lot to learn "from the other side" too because I'm realising it's not black and white. I think it's similar to what you shared about not being part of either team, there's so much nuance.
My perspectives have shifted a lot since allowing space for conversations like this where I don't agree, sometimes I change my mind because of them.
I don't engage with the hate comments anymore, but if I feel something in result of seeing them I ask myself why. Sometimes it's an invitation to do some more research on something or to open a new conversation to learn more from someone who is willing to explore it with me.
Thank you for such a beautiful response, Kaitlyn! Your "before" feels painfully familiar to me, and I love hearing how this has shifted for you. I have a hunch that your current approach not only feels better, but is also far more effective in fostering helpful change in the world.
It feels sooo much better. It leaves energy for action that (hopefully) is making a bigger difference. I remember feeling so empty and tired of fighting back. It's almost like we give our energy to fuel those who are spewing hate, so they have more of it, which doesn't feel right to me.
It's a hard shift to make, and sometimes I still slip back into old habits by spending time reading hateful comments until I realize it's just not helpful at all.
So beautiful, Dana, and so timely. I've started thinking of it this way... When I'm driving a car and another driver does something that inconveniences me or puts me in danger, like pulling in front of me or cutting me off, I have a tendency to think bad thoughts about that driver - they're stupid or thoughtless or selfish or incapable. But then I try to consciously remind myself that I have no idea of who that person is or what they're going through, and whatever decision they made in that moment had nothing to do with me. It's not personal and it's not a reflection on who they are as a person. I'm trying to take that attitude into my off-road interactions too! None of it's personal, not all of it speaks to people's inherent goodness or "badness", and I'd do well to keep an open mind and recognise that I too sometimes make bad decisions in the moment or say the wrong thing, and I'd hate for people to make moral judgements of me based on those moments. Breathing, perspective taking and, as you so beautifully described, holding your position from your core...
Thank you, Dana, for reminding us all to hold ourselves accountable for our own words and behaviours. 🙏💕
Thank you, Michelle - both for your kind words and for sharing that beautiful practice. Hearts and gratitude to you!
Yes, yes, yes to this! I truly believe that the only way to have influence is to get quiet and listen - truly listen. To ourselves and to others. Especially those with different experiences/views, not just an echo chamber of our own beliefs. To seek the kernel of truth in the other's position. It's one of the biggest challenges in relationships I think, at the personal and political levels. I love how you have articulated this Dana.
And as for balance poses - they show me daily how centred (or scattered) I am in myself - nothing wakes me up and brings me back to the present moment faster than wobbling out of a balance pose 😀
Thank you, Vicki, and beautifully put. Getting quiet, listening, finding even a kernel of truth and sameness - that truly feels essential if we want to reach a better, more beautiful place.
I love how you mention that this applies to the personal as well as the political. The personal (and internal) reflects and influences the whole, I find. If I’m showing up a certain way in one of those, I’m likely showing up that way in all of them. Good news is, this means we have the perfect, always available place to practice!
Thanks so much for being here, Vicki. I’m grateful for your presence and wisdom in the world!
Oh, and yes on the balance poses! You should’ve seen mine yesterday… 😅 They are one of the most humbling, honest indicators and reference points I know.
So true 😀
I recently (as in 2 days ago) finished reading The Awakened Brain by Lisa Miller PhD - it’s a book that looks at spiritualism separate from religion, but in line with the effects spirituality has on overall happiness.
One chapter late in the book was “The Awakened Heart” where she explored “othering” - the shaming, guilt, scapegoating, stigmatizing most of us UNCONSCIOUSLY practice in an effort to feel safety and belonging.
The chapter focused on America’s collapse into “epidemic levels of othering” (albeit reading world news and knowing the impact of the internet, it seems a global problem).
Thoughts are binaries. Red state/blue state; nationalist/immigrant; white/black; queer/straight.
These dividing lines are fueled in social media (if not even ‘algorithmic’ to stoke the fires). “Then you only talk to people who know and like you and think like you, and you don’t talk to other people.” Creating bubbles, which grow narrower and narrower.
I’ve been working on a way to incorporate respectful discourse in the space I’m opening. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve tackled for the space. I am increasingly concerned that social media has polarized bubbles to the point where it’s all “irreconcilable differences”.
Thanks so much for sharing that, Ed. And, oof. It does indeed feel like we’re experiencing “epidemic levels of othering.” Of course it’s nothing new...but online media and social media alters the dynamic and speeds everything up. At a certain point, with othering and binaries, any opening for seeing things more fully, having true conversations, and fostering supportive change is shut down. We’re literally seeing and living in different realities. So much of the online world feels like that lately.
Oh, and love that you’re working to incorporate respectful discourse into your space!
Such a useful primer on how to engage with ourselves and the world around us in a way that may be truly beneficial, thank you, Dana. I especially appreciated the reference to balancing postures in yoga and the practice of focusing internally rather than externally -- and your reminder that 'internal' is what is at our core, which is not the same as our thoughts. Which frankly can be a mess, even when we don't think they are.
As you may know, the first of Buddhism's three pure precepts is "Do no evil," generally interpreted as doing no harm. As we go through this latest election cycle, I try to keep that directive in mind as I talk with others and express myself, both in real life and social media. Sometimes it feels difficult because this election keeps getting ramped up as a do-or-die event, with both sides demonizing the other. To some degree, I think there is truth in at least part of that narrative (the do-or-die part, especially for marginalized populations, not the demonizing which i don't think is ever helpful or true). But still, how can I find my way to participate in this process that is rooted in my core values, not a fear-driven scenario? Sometimes i remember, sometimes I forget. And then I remember all over again.
I was going to edit that to say, 'and then I forget again!' but the edit button has disappeared : )
Very strange that the edit button has disappeared! That’s something going on with Substack (I didn’t disable it).
This is SO needed, and so refreshing! I’m tired and bereft especially being a centrist, libertarian, who’s almost never voted for the extremes on offer… Because the irony is my views are not welcome; it’s as if I’m being told, “you’re not good enough because you’re not perpetually outraged…”
Thank you, Reena. Both for your comment and for your voice in the world.
"Reinforcing division is a dehumanizing act." Yes. I have an upcoming post on this very topic. Saving this for reference. Thank you!
Looking forward to reading your post, Joshua. Feel free to come back and link it here - so glad others are writing about this!
Thank you for raising this topic, Dana.
I am wrestling with these and related questions because I do not see the … what shall we call it? "Political battlefield," "Political arena," or "Political thunderdome" … as where I am called to relate to people.
At the same time, what is happening in those spaces is what is alive in a lot of people's lives. I feel a need to be informed, but how much? How can I stay with the conversation without becoming attached to any one point of view or pulled into the conflict? How much media consumption is needed for me to relate to others? There are a lot of ongoing opportunities for exploration.
Thanks for sharing, Taishin Michael. You’re not alone in these questions and explorations.
“Are you coming from a thoughtful, skillful heart centred place”, words that for me really resonate. I’ve often acted on impulse. Someone infuriates me I would lash out often not at all in a thoughtful, skillful or heart centred place. Especially having a daughter who is gay I tend to be overly protective especially given the hate that can be spewed. Especially from some that seek high office. But I am learning to understand that they are the one’s with the problem. Thanks for taking the time to write this and I’m glad you posted this Dana❤️.
Thanks so much for being here, for sharing, and for your presence and practice in the world, Peter! ❤️
We are in this and here together Dana. Imagine how great things could be if only we could all pull together.
Preach it, Sister.
Hearts to you!
Brilliant writing, and spot on. Months back, I wrote an essay about addiction to rage—how it causes the same dopamine effect as any chemical addiction—and questioned how to end it. I think your writing is an excellent place to start. A must-read. Thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you from my heart, Elissa. And you’re so right about addiction to rage. I love your writing and tried to find that essay in your archive but didn’t see it - feel free to post the link here. Such a needed place of exploration and awareness. 🙏🏻
Thank you—here it is. I think we all need to talk about addiction to rage:
https://open.substack.com/pub/poormansfeast/p/the-problem-of-addictive-rage?r=1gvfn&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Dana. My heart appreciates your heart. ❤️
I’ve really been making this a part of my spiritual and therapeutic practices right now. In IFS, there is a term, U-Turn. It’s about going from reactivity to self-leadership. Whenever I’m getting particularly hot and bothered, I bring this to mind. U-turn, Kaitlyn. Gently.
Aww - thank you, Kaitlyn! ❤️
And that sounds like such a useful, needed practice. I love that the term “U-turn” doesn’t carry any judgement or baggage - just a necessary, careful redirect. Also love that term “self-leadership.” Thank you for sharing, Kaitlyn!
Oh, thank you for this, Dana 🙏🏼
You’ve expressed so skillfully how I have been feeling about the current state of affairs.
I am an Independent and get backlash and heated questions lobbed my way from close friends and family simply because I can see and sometimes even, dare I say, appreciate both sides of the aisle. I don’t remember the lesson from childhood that said you must pick a team and stay on it no matter what. Can’t we dissent with thoughtful consideration? Can’t we change our minds?
These lines, in particular, landed for me:
“Because while I do see a place for anger, I see no room for hostility”
Such an important distinction. Anger is useful. Hostility is unnecessary. The line is blurry sometimes.
And:
“Awareness without action is empty.”
Ooof. That one I needed. Big time. I am pretty good at the awareness part. Too often I stop there. I am working on the action piece.
Thanks for this essay, Dana. I can feel the weight of it. It must have been a big one to mold. It’s so powerful. I appreciate you 🫶
Thank you from my heart, Allison. I so feel where you’re at when it comes to not “picking a team” - huge recognition for your choice and courage to stand in integrity. I think that decision alone - made with care and without hostility - is already an important action in these times. It plants the seed that not everyone thinks the same or agrees with the group think and what’s happening, creating some small flicker of cognitive dissonance or questioning (even if deep, deep within). The more of that exists, the more we perhaps have a way to connect human-to-human, heart-to-heart.
Much, much gratitude to you for being here and commenting. This was a hard one for me to write and scary to share. 🙏🏼
Dana, you have managed to put into words everything I have been feeling. I lack your gift of expression. BRAVO you!! And thank you 🙏💚
Aww - thank you, Annie. Truthfully, I struggled with this essay for a couple of weeks - trying to make sure I wasn’t contributing to the very thing I’m calling out.