Your article on proselytizing was the first thing I read this morning. Frankly Go You. An éloquent and rational response to a subject that is no small matter. For my part admitting I’m sober is akin to coming out which I’m also terrified about because I’m in my 60s and have 3 kids.
Alcohol was the elixir (sic) that I had to drown myself in to have even a conversation with anyone let alone men. I had to be drunk for sex with men or else I panicked. Subconscious knew I was queer but strict upbringing made it impossible. Alcohol is a kind of invisibility cloak.
So yes, after 40 years of slowly killing myself, my potential self, and ruining my kids’ lives (that might be the shame talking-they are very well happy adjusted adults with whom, now I’m sober, I have a good relationship with. I’m very lucky), it is very difficult for me to say I don’t drink. I certainly don’t say I’m sober. My kids are extremely proud of me because they know how hard I’ve struggled to get this monkey off my back. My mum is still holding her breath as to whether I’ll start again. She has had to take the brunt of most of it, especially when I was in rehab twice.
I’m stunned that an intelligent woman would even bother to make such a comment. As you say there’s plenty of other guff on the internet to click onto.
People getting sober usually have suffered and many are full of shame. That is my current nemesis. It’s bad enough to have to defend my sober choices when on the rare occasion I venture out to socialize with friends. They obviously knew me as a boozer. I’m English so you’ll have to forgive the slang.
I’ve struggled all my adult life with alcohol. When younger I found myself in some very dangerous dark places. I’m surprised I’m still here. My latter years were confined to drinking at home so no one really knew the extent of my problems.
I got increasingly depressed and anxious and physically sick. Covid tipped it all over into a no boundaries all in disaster. Bereavement, my own Covid experiences, loneliness etc were fuel to the out of control forest fires raging in me which alcohol or wine kept alive while I slowly killed myself.
Writing about my experiences and especially in the light of sobriety has been of enormous help. Quit lit brave no holds barred writers, especially women, have paved the way for me to start living my life again, yes even in my 60s.
I’m sad I didn’t stop with the first 5 months rehab in my 30s. What I could have achieved!!! 😞.
I’m excited for this younger generation of people who are making the healthy choice to not drink, to eat well and to use their bodies in the way nature intended. The older writers of quit lit have bravely shone their light on their shame, aired their dirty washing to show alcohol for the sham it is.
I fell into the con of thinking of alcohol as this amazing magical transformative experience in the 1970s. It was all around me, normal, a rite of passage. I hated it at first but I made myself get used to it disguising it with sweet juice in order to “pass”. I was an anxious shy invisible creature (so I thought) without getting mashed in social interactions. Then I transformed into a sexy attractive woman chased by men. 🤢
I got into my stride in my 30s with high powered jobs and travel. Airports are still a massive trigger for me. No one knew my pain. I worked, had three kids, passed 5 degrees, taught, had terrible relationships with men, hence being a single mother for most of that time.
On reflection does that make me weak? I achieved huge success despite my addiction. I’d suggest that I’m actually fucking strong.
Being an intelligent person it is difficult to square the harm I knew I was doing to myself and my family and doing it anyway. So I lived in a deadly cycle of giving in to my addiction while hating myself for it, feeling shame especially when I ended up down some very dark deep holes for which there were dire consequences, while keeping up the appearance of being a strong successful working single mum, with disastrous relationships in between.
So if anyone told me I was proselytizing when I finally gather the courage to say No I don’t drink thanks, I think at this point I would hit the roof. In an icy cold logically withering way of course. I am quite eloquent and mindful in what I do and say these days. But of course if the person questioning my alcohol free choices is already drunk or drinking I’m going to give them both barrels aren’t I? Despite my introverted nature.
Thanks for your eloquence and exploration of this matter. It had never occurred to me that intelligent people would diss others who are trying to better themselves and by doing impacting positively everyone around them.
My alcohol/sober journey has been hell. I’m writing my own memoir. It’s cathartic but bloody painful. I’ll put it out there for no other reason than wanting to help others who think sobriety is impossible. I’m living- just - proof that it isn’t and sobriety it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your family and self esteem.
I rarely talk about my journey or admit to friends that I’m sober. I’m still somewhat of a hermit. But you’ve inspired me to get my own quit lit out there. For some reason I’m angry as I write this mainly I think because my sobriety was hard fought and still fragile. But anger can galvanize to action. So. Watch me now!!!
You sound really fucking strong, Karen. Also, really courageous. I have no doubt your journey will inspire others and expand their perception of what’s possible. Thank you from my heart for sharing and for your generous words. Cheering you on with love.
Karen - what a beautiful share. I can’t wait to read your memoir. It will help others, no doubt. My experience has been that sobriety is the gift that keeps on giving. So why wouldn’t we write about it?
Thank you for sharing this, Karen. You are an inspiration. I can't wait to read your memoir, and I'm proud of you for taking the steps to put it all on the page. I'm still trying to work up the courage to do the same, so witnessing your strength is inspiring for me.
What an amazing response to an amazing article. Thanks to the both of you. Just so good to be sober so I find people like this to help me in my life and my sobriety. Well fucking done!
I used to get so annoyed and triggered when people would share their soberversaries on social media, and you nailed it. That was never about them. It was about me. I was annoyed with myself, and I’m probably annoying the hell out of a lot of people right now every time I share about how great it is and that I wrote a book about it.
I needed the writers in early sobriety though! Taking the sobriety movement out of dark anonymous spaces is a wonderful thing. Reading thoughtful individualistic approaches and different ideas about what it means to quit alcohol helps people shed their shame. Thanks for writing this and everything you write and for amplifying the voices of others every day. They can’t stuff us back in the cave!!
So grateful you’re writing about sobriety, Julie! You’re so right about needing to hear different experiences, ideas, and approaches. This was essential for me, and I learned different things from everyone I read in early sobriety and leading up to it. I honestly think I might still be drinking if it weren’t for quit lit articles and books.
So, so good Dana. Thank you for your wise words, once again. I began writing almost on day 1 of sobriety back in 2020. It was a way of processing what was happening inside my head - all those suppressed emotions that I’d been stuffing down inside for years and years. And the floodgates opened obviously. At the same time, I had all of this creative energy and need to express what I was feeling. I had to process it somehow as I’d been numb for so long. Writing was so incredibly helpful and at the same time it was an accountability tool. I started blogging that first week and eventually people began reading what I was writing. And then came the connection which is another crucial cornerstone for the foundation of sobriety. None of this was proselytizing. I published my memoir with the main purpose of writing something that made others feel less alone. Because I felt so totally isolated at the end of my drinking days and I wanted women like me to know they weren’t broken and there was a way back into the light. I had read things similarly that gave me hope and I wanted to help others as well. Pass it along. Friends judged me and wondered why I “had to write so publicly.” Their reaction hurt me tremendously. But I’ve come to learn at the end of the day that their reactions are all about how they feel about themselves, just as you stated. It holds a mirror up. I can’t control other people and can only control myself. One thing my therapist told me early on to repeat everyday is this: “I’m not responsible for the response of others.”
I love all that so much, Kimberly (except for how those friends judged you). And I hear you. It’s hard for me to imagine getting sober without writing my way through it.
Awesome article Dana! Now I realize why you posted a note the other day asking people’s experience w/consuming recovery related content in sobriety etc. etc. Along the lines of discussing ones’ sobriety out & about in the world I could spin out on a tangent related to dating sober. Holy Hell the stories (specifically that 1st date w/a woman who acts surprised I don’t drink AT ALL though it’s clearly stated on my profile ahead of time). Talk about awkward and yes, frustrating. Then again, I’m in LA which has a healthy % of people who are….self absorbed to start with. So now I try to limit any dates to women who choose not to drink or sober which, surprisingly, still limits the field a lot in a generally health conscious kale spirulina beet root smoothie kinda city like this one🙄
Thank you so much! And oh man, dating sure does add another element to all of this. Maybe these days, with more and more people trying out a sober lifestyle but not fully committing, some people who aren’t immersed in sober circles might think something along the lines of: well, that doesn’t mean they NEVER drink, right? 🙄 Good luck out there!
I’ve only just joined substack and yours is one of the first articles I’ve read. I went sober two years ago with a view to remaining anonymous on Instagram back then. However, I quickly realised that the power for me was in owning it and being proud of my decision because as someone who had a relationship with alcohol that I found embarrassing, to be finally proud was freeing. I stuck my name on it and didn’t care who knew.
Fast forward to now and I honestly shout from the rooftops how life changing it can be to those who are interested (as in seek me out on my sober account) and I stay schtum around drinkers. There is so much about alcohol everywhere I think the world needs a bit more sober balance. Well said!
Welcome to Substack, Louisa! There’s a vibrant sober community here that I know will greet you with open arms. Reading your comment made me think of another really important point: addiction lives in the dark and feeds on us keeping it secret. By sharing openly, we take its power away. Thank you for being here and sharing!
Thank you for replying it’s lovely to know there is a lovely sober community here I can’t wait to meet everyone! I just have to work out how to find people now 🤣
One of the books that really defined my own tortured relationship with alcohol was Drinking:A Love story. Also, the movie Leaving Los Vegas where I completely understood the wish to drink oneself to death. But let’s get real- my grandfather disappeared and died before I was born of “pneumonia”, alcoholism. My father behaved monstrously under the influence of alcohol, my Uncle, Aunt, numerous relatives suffered because of alcohol and my sister was killed by a drunk driver who ran her down on the street. At 40 years I don’t defend or question my sobriety because it’s genetic and I definitely would have killed myself without AA. I make no excuses nor do I avoid identifying myself as recovering . AA and therapy saved my life. I’m indifferent to the labeling of things- it’s self-diagnosed and fatal which finally was enough for me. You do wonderful work, Dana.
Thank you from my heart for being here and sharing, Molly. I got chills of recognition reading your comment. I, too, never knew one of my grandfathers - he died from alcohol abuse when I was a little over a year old. And that was just one part of so much intergenerational repetition and pain. Huge recognition and celebration for how you’ve broken - and continue to break - a cycle.
Leaving Las Vegas was a movie that STAYED with me, too. I remember watching Nick Cage, back at a time when I KNEW my drinking was different/scarier than my friends’ and I had this thought inside, “could that ever be me? Could it ever get to that?”
I scared myself enough eventually to hopefully never have to find out. 🙏🏼
The recent (recurring) pushback on Dry January and sobriety set off alarm bells for me. Since my sober-journey is about paying attention to that kind of intuition, I’ve really been curious. At first it really hurts. And, as I’m newly sober (93 days!), it has me questioning myself sometimes: is drinking that big of a deal? Am I over-reacting? Am i some kind of pawn for the right-wing purity-agenda pushers? But, I do settle back around to the simple real and hard truth that drinking alcohol is NOT RIGHT FOR ME. And no one else’s ideas or agenda can change that fact. It is so so personal. My senses are always going to prick up if I think someone is trying to sell me something or make money off of my choices. It happens a lot in a capitalist society. And I definitely am trying not to get bought or sold. But I still thinking drinking is bad for me and it doesn’t matter which box other people put me in - I have to honor that truth. Every day I have to be careful to honor that truth for anyone who also finds it to be harmful for them or they have had enough. Thank you for bringing up this topic!
Congrats on 93 days, Sam! That’s huge. While the experience of sobriety is, of course, different for everyone, I really found that things began to feel different around the 90-day mark. I think that was the point where I very strongly never wanted to be back at Day 1 again.
I love how you describe returning to what feels simple and true: No, this does not work for me. I’ve already tried it and proven it! And I don’t need to consult others or buy anything at all to stay the course and honor what I know deep within.
First, a confession: even in my head, "proselytizing" is hard to pronounce. Spelling it just now required extensive finger calisthenics.
Recovery has taught me, as it seems to have taught you, that when I am uncomfortable with someone's narrative it is likely that there is an unsightly truth imbedded there that I'd rather not consider. You showed us in your post how to pull that apart and get at the underlying fear/insecurity. In 12 step language, you practiced step 10. Resentment is the number one offender, and we have to be vigilant about chasing it down before it takes root.
As for Anne's comment, it is a subtle form of gaslighting. I suspect it wasn't intended as such, but it's very common with people made uncomfortable by the self-improvement efforts of others. I practiced the technique for many years and if memory serves, secured a blackbelt.
That word! Not only can’t I pronounce it, but I can’t spell it. I just had to cut and paste it over and over while writing this article.
Thank you for articulating that point and Step 10 so beautifully. Even though I didn’t go the 12-Step route, I find there’s such wisdom and practical guidance there.
And yeah, I really don’t think AHP intended to come off that way. More generally, I think people often don’t realize the casual, offhand way in which they "other" entire groups of people. Personally, I’m trying to work on not doing this (still a practice), in part by imagining how a person I care about who fits in that group would feel if I said the same thing in their presence.
Alcohol is a killer for me. I could give a shit who knows, who doesn't. If anyone asks why I just look them in the eye and tell them I'm a shit storm if I do. The people who continue to love me are in it for the right reasons. Those that run, again, I could give a shit. Thank you, Dana, for sharing again.
A very thoughtful post that deserves lots of reflection. I’ve never been much of a drinker because my father was and it makes me sad. But I remember cutting out sugar for a period of time, how hard that was socially, and how people would say, just have one, or but it’s a birthday cake just have a slice, or but it’s just a pudding. I was constantly left feeling that I was weird, or making a judgement on other peoples choices. It was right hard work it was!
Thank you, Lucy. And I love that you offered a different example than alcohol. I think, in certain ways, trying to change what or how we eat can be even more difficult and can lead to even more pushback from others.
I've drank regularly my entire adult life, but because of a brain injury had to quit, which was disturbingly hard to do. I was fine when I was home alone, but social events were a nightmare. I could go three or four months at a time and then just cave to pressure. That was when I knew that being a moderate drinker really wasn't in the cards for me. I'm now a month sober and have to take it a day at a time. I appreciate sober content and I quite honestly could give a shit if people proselytize about it or not. I'm fine with anything and everything that helps people who need to be sober stay sober.
Yes! Huge recognition for your journey, and thank you for sharing how sober content’s supporting you. That was my experience, too. I also found getting past Day 1 disturbingly (and tellingly) difficult. Even though my consumption at the time was within a range many consider acceptable, driving past the liquor store on my way home without stopping to pick up wine felt physically and mentally much tougher than I would have expected. So, I told myself: just get to Day 10, then you can drink. Long story short, I still haven’t had that drink - almost five years later. Even more miraculous, I don’t even want alcohol anymore. Sending heart-sourced support your way. It does get easier.
I am so glad you wrote this essay, Dana. I saw that Note you posted in response to Anne’s essay and all my insides got stirred. Thank you for this kind and thoughtful response.
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with (and I’m not entirely sure I’m all the way there) the fact that this alcohol free journey I’m on is MINE. It is my responsibility. It is about my drinking, not anyone else’s. I have to keep my eyes on my own paper because for years I was so focused on others’. In so doing, I was only cheating myself.
AND when I hear pieces of my story, my painful experiences expressed in someone else’s words, I feel understood. I think that’s what all humans want - a sense of belonging. It’s belonging - not proselytizing. That’s what I’m after. That’s why I write about my experience with alcohol and my life as a strong sober women. If that doesn’t resonate, cool. Carry on.
And for those who might hear themselves in my words, I see you. You belong.
It is rather ridiculous to think that sharing sobriety is proselytizing. My gawd, if only they knew. I hope anyone who judges sharing sobriety as proselytizing never finds out the incredible hell it took for so many of us - or at least for me!-to get here. If I was diabetic and took insulin is it proselytizing to say so? But you covered it Dana. That said I try to stay off the spiritual hilltop or to moralize about anyone’s choices. Alcoholism btw is not a lifestyle choice. Far from it.
Totally agree with all of your thoughts in response to the article. I will say though, I have not encountered blow back or any of the recent, negative online trends you mention that are sprouting up in response to people discussing sobriety. It doesn’t shock me—someone could come online and cure cancer and there would be a group of people who decide they don’t like it and attack the person.
I’m glad you responded they way you did to the author and I know you were too polite to say it, but I’d be willing to bet the reason for her response was the same reason so many of us would have responded in that manner at some point in the past. It ruffles something inside people that they’re not ready to confront.
Thanks so much, Todd. And I’m so glad to hear you haven’t encountered that sort of thing. On the whole, I feel so grateful for my connections and community on Substack, and how people show up here.
I didn't start consuming sober content until recently, within the past year. I am currently coming up on 11 years alcohol free. I really appreciate your writing and am grateful I found it. I started consuming sober content because I am not in AA or other program, and it feels nice to have a sense of sober community.
When I first quit drinking I was still interacting with my drinking circle, my job had a very drinking focussed culture. So when letting people know I wasn't drinking anymore I heard things like "I don't know if you can work here anymore... kidding, kidding, I'm kidding" or "What do you mean you're quitting drinking, that's social suicide." also "Can I get you a scotch?" and a couple variations of "I wouldn't know who you are if you're not drinking." That last one is understandable, it was a huge part of my identity.
Now that it's been more than 10 years though, the type of people in my social circle say things like "Good for you." then they carry on without further comment. For the most part.
But...
As I was reading this post I related to it more as a vegan. Especially when you mention the immediate centering other people do. Telling people I don't drink comes up less frequently than telling them I am vegan. You've no doubt heard the joke "How do you know if someone is vegan?" Well when someone invites you to dinner you either tell them you're vegan or decline the invitation. I never tell people I am vegan out of the blue, only when asked or when offered food. When I tell people I'm vegan I get an incredible array of self centering replies. "I was vegetarian in college, but I could never give up cheese.", "I eat mostly vegetables too.", etc. I've also had some pretty aggressive folks defending their meat eating to me out of the blue. Like walking up to me at a gathering, "I heard you're vegan," Me: "Oh hey, yeah, for about seven years now." They then begin telling me why they are not vegan (I didn't ask) and how people should just respect other people's decisions. Me: "Okay."
I also got the same kind of stuff when I changed my lifestyle and lost 80lbs. Folks would come up to me and tell me how great I look and ask me what I did. Then after I responded they would reply with why they couldn't do that and their list of reasons. As if my answering their question was a personal attack on their choices, as if I finished my response with "why haven't you lost the weight?"
One last comment, as I read the other comments I recognized how as a man I don't have to endure assumptions about my choice to quit drinking the way women likely do. That sucks, and I wish that din't happen.
Thanks so much for being here and for sharing, Keith. What a bummer that you received such responses from your work colleagues back then... but how wonderful to hear how things have shifted. Huge recognition for your steadfastness and 11 years alcohol-free!
I also really appreciate that you provided another example - food is such a big one for this. Interestingly, I’ve followed a primarily paleo-primal diet for the past 10-plus years and encounter similar things to what you describe in response to divulging that you’re vegan. I pretty much never mention what I eat unless people ask me directly, and what follows is more often than not: 1. their shock that I’m not vegetarian/vegan (which I actually was for 10 years, so I’ve been on that side of things, too), followed by 2. explaining and defending their own eating choices, which I wasn’t asking about or judging. All to say, I hear you!
Your article on proselytizing was the first thing I read this morning. Frankly Go You. An éloquent and rational response to a subject that is no small matter. For my part admitting I’m sober is akin to coming out which I’m also terrified about because I’m in my 60s and have 3 kids.
Alcohol was the elixir (sic) that I had to drown myself in to have even a conversation with anyone let alone men. I had to be drunk for sex with men or else I panicked. Subconscious knew I was queer but strict upbringing made it impossible. Alcohol is a kind of invisibility cloak.
So yes, after 40 years of slowly killing myself, my potential self, and ruining my kids’ lives (that might be the shame talking-they are very well happy adjusted adults with whom, now I’m sober, I have a good relationship with. I’m very lucky), it is very difficult for me to say I don’t drink. I certainly don’t say I’m sober. My kids are extremely proud of me because they know how hard I’ve struggled to get this monkey off my back. My mum is still holding her breath as to whether I’ll start again. She has had to take the brunt of most of it, especially when I was in rehab twice.
I’m stunned that an intelligent woman would even bother to make such a comment. As you say there’s plenty of other guff on the internet to click onto.
People getting sober usually have suffered and many are full of shame. That is my current nemesis. It’s bad enough to have to defend my sober choices when on the rare occasion I venture out to socialize with friends. They obviously knew me as a boozer. I’m English so you’ll have to forgive the slang.
I’ve struggled all my adult life with alcohol. When younger I found myself in some very dangerous dark places. I’m surprised I’m still here. My latter years were confined to drinking at home so no one really knew the extent of my problems.
I got increasingly depressed and anxious and physically sick. Covid tipped it all over into a no boundaries all in disaster. Bereavement, my own Covid experiences, loneliness etc were fuel to the out of control forest fires raging in me which alcohol or wine kept alive while I slowly killed myself.
Writing about my experiences and especially in the light of sobriety has been of enormous help. Quit lit brave no holds barred writers, especially women, have paved the way for me to start living my life again, yes even in my 60s.
I’m sad I didn’t stop with the first 5 months rehab in my 30s. What I could have achieved!!! 😞.
I’m excited for this younger generation of people who are making the healthy choice to not drink, to eat well and to use their bodies in the way nature intended. The older writers of quit lit have bravely shone their light on their shame, aired their dirty washing to show alcohol for the sham it is.
I fell into the con of thinking of alcohol as this amazing magical transformative experience in the 1970s. It was all around me, normal, a rite of passage. I hated it at first but I made myself get used to it disguising it with sweet juice in order to “pass”. I was an anxious shy invisible creature (so I thought) without getting mashed in social interactions. Then I transformed into a sexy attractive woman chased by men. 🤢
I got into my stride in my 30s with high powered jobs and travel. Airports are still a massive trigger for me. No one knew my pain. I worked, had three kids, passed 5 degrees, taught, had terrible relationships with men, hence being a single mother for most of that time.
On reflection does that make me weak? I achieved huge success despite my addiction. I’d suggest that I’m actually fucking strong.
Being an intelligent person it is difficult to square the harm I knew I was doing to myself and my family and doing it anyway. So I lived in a deadly cycle of giving in to my addiction while hating myself for it, feeling shame especially when I ended up down some very dark deep holes for which there were dire consequences, while keeping up the appearance of being a strong successful working single mum, with disastrous relationships in between.
So if anyone told me I was proselytizing when I finally gather the courage to say No I don’t drink thanks, I think at this point I would hit the roof. In an icy cold logically withering way of course. I am quite eloquent and mindful in what I do and say these days. But of course if the person questioning my alcohol free choices is already drunk or drinking I’m going to give them both barrels aren’t I? Despite my introverted nature.
Thanks for your eloquence and exploration of this matter. It had never occurred to me that intelligent people would diss others who are trying to better themselves and by doing impacting positively everyone around them.
My alcohol/sober journey has been hell. I’m writing my own memoir. It’s cathartic but bloody painful. I’ll put it out there for no other reason than wanting to help others who think sobriety is impossible. I’m living- just - proof that it isn’t and sobriety it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your family and self esteem.
I rarely talk about my journey or admit to friends that I’m sober. I’m still somewhat of a hermit. But you’ve inspired me to get my own quit lit out there. For some reason I’m angry as I write this mainly I think because my sobriety was hard fought and still fragile. But anger can galvanize to action. So. Watch me now!!!
Thank you for your service.
Karen
You sound really fucking strong, Karen. Also, really courageous. I have no doubt your journey will inspire others and expand their perception of what’s possible. Thank you from my heart for sharing and for your generous words. Cheering you on with love.
Karen - what a beautiful share. I can’t wait to read your memoir. It will help others, no doubt. My experience has been that sobriety is the gift that keeps on giving. So why wouldn’t we write about it?
Thank you for sharing this, Karen. You are an inspiration. I can't wait to read your memoir, and I'm proud of you for taking the steps to put it all on the page. I'm still trying to work up the courage to do the same, so witnessing your strength is inspiring for me.
What an amazing response to an amazing article. Thanks to the both of you. Just so good to be sober so I find people like this to help me in my life and my sobriety. Well fucking done!
Boom! So well said, Karen!
I used to get so annoyed and triggered when people would share their soberversaries on social media, and you nailed it. That was never about them. It was about me. I was annoyed with myself, and I’m probably annoying the hell out of a lot of people right now every time I share about how great it is and that I wrote a book about it.
I needed the writers in early sobriety though! Taking the sobriety movement out of dark anonymous spaces is a wonderful thing. Reading thoughtful individualistic approaches and different ideas about what it means to quit alcohol helps people shed their shame. Thanks for writing this and everything you write and for amplifying the voices of others every day. They can’t stuff us back in the cave!!
So grateful you’re writing about sobriety, Julie! You’re so right about needing to hear different experiences, ideas, and approaches. This was essential for me, and I learned different things from everyone I read in early sobriety and leading up to it. I honestly think I might still be drinking if it weren’t for quit lit articles and books.
So, so good Dana. Thank you for your wise words, once again. I began writing almost on day 1 of sobriety back in 2020. It was a way of processing what was happening inside my head - all those suppressed emotions that I’d been stuffing down inside for years and years. And the floodgates opened obviously. At the same time, I had all of this creative energy and need to express what I was feeling. I had to process it somehow as I’d been numb for so long. Writing was so incredibly helpful and at the same time it was an accountability tool. I started blogging that first week and eventually people began reading what I was writing. And then came the connection which is another crucial cornerstone for the foundation of sobriety. None of this was proselytizing. I published my memoir with the main purpose of writing something that made others feel less alone. Because I felt so totally isolated at the end of my drinking days and I wanted women like me to know they weren’t broken and there was a way back into the light. I had read things similarly that gave me hope and I wanted to help others as well. Pass it along. Friends judged me and wondered why I “had to write so publicly.” Their reaction hurt me tremendously. But I’ve come to learn at the end of the day that their reactions are all about how they feel about themselves, just as you stated. It holds a mirror up. I can’t control other people and can only control myself. One thing my therapist told me early on to repeat everyday is this: “I’m not responsible for the response of others.”
I love all that so much, Kimberly (except for how those friends judged you). And I hear you. It’s hard for me to imagine getting sober without writing my way through it.
Hello Kimberly! It’s good to see you here. Hope you are well.
Todd! What’s up my friend! Long time no see. How’s life? :) I’m no longer on social media but so glad to connect with you again here in this world!!!
Wow, Kimberly. I feel like your words here could've been my own. Thank you for sharing this.
Awesome article Dana! Now I realize why you posted a note the other day asking people’s experience w/consuming recovery related content in sobriety etc. etc. Along the lines of discussing ones’ sobriety out & about in the world I could spin out on a tangent related to dating sober. Holy Hell the stories (specifically that 1st date w/a woman who acts surprised I don’t drink AT ALL though it’s clearly stated on my profile ahead of time). Talk about awkward and yes, frustrating. Then again, I’m in LA which has a healthy % of people who are….self absorbed to start with. So now I try to limit any dates to women who choose not to drink or sober which, surprisingly, still limits the field a lot in a generally health conscious kale spirulina beet root smoothie kinda city like this one🙄
Thank you so much! And oh man, dating sure does add another element to all of this. Maybe these days, with more and more people trying out a sober lifestyle but not fully committing, some people who aren’t immersed in sober circles might think something along the lines of: well, that doesn’t mean they NEVER drink, right? 🙄 Good luck out there!
I’ve only just joined substack and yours is one of the first articles I’ve read. I went sober two years ago with a view to remaining anonymous on Instagram back then. However, I quickly realised that the power for me was in owning it and being proud of my decision because as someone who had a relationship with alcohol that I found embarrassing, to be finally proud was freeing. I stuck my name on it and didn’t care who knew.
Fast forward to now and I honestly shout from the rooftops how life changing it can be to those who are interested (as in seek me out on my sober account) and I stay schtum around drinkers. There is so much about alcohol everywhere I think the world needs a bit more sober balance. Well said!
Welcome to Substack, Louisa! There’s a vibrant sober community here that I know will greet you with open arms. Reading your comment made me think of another really important point: addiction lives in the dark and feeds on us keeping it secret. By sharing openly, we take its power away. Thank you for being here and sharing!
Thank you for replying it’s lovely to know there is a lovely sober community here I can’t wait to meet everyone! I just have to work out how to find people now 🤣
Have you seen SoberStack? There are 168 sober writers listed there (and I actually have your publication on the list for the next update 😊). https://danaleighlyons.substack.com/p/sober-substack-addiction-recovery-sobriety
Welcome to Substack, Louisa!! I'm always happy to see new sober faces (and words) in this space.
One of the books that really defined my own tortured relationship with alcohol was Drinking:A Love story. Also, the movie Leaving Los Vegas where I completely understood the wish to drink oneself to death. But let’s get real- my grandfather disappeared and died before I was born of “pneumonia”, alcoholism. My father behaved monstrously under the influence of alcohol, my Uncle, Aunt, numerous relatives suffered because of alcohol and my sister was killed by a drunk driver who ran her down on the street. At 40 years I don’t defend or question my sobriety because it’s genetic and I definitely would have killed myself without AA. I make no excuses nor do I avoid identifying myself as recovering . AA and therapy saved my life. I’m indifferent to the labeling of things- it’s self-diagnosed and fatal which finally was enough for me. You do wonderful work, Dana.
Thank you from my heart for being here and sharing, Molly. I got chills of recognition reading your comment. I, too, never knew one of my grandfathers - he died from alcohol abuse when I was a little over a year old. And that was just one part of so much intergenerational repetition and pain. Huge recognition and celebration for how you’ve broken - and continue to break - a cycle.
Leaving Las Vegas was a movie that STAYED with me, too. I remember watching Nick Cage, back at a time when I KNEW my drinking was different/scarier than my friends’ and I had this thought inside, “could that ever be me? Could it ever get to that?”
I scared myself enough eventually to hopefully never have to find out. 🙏🏼
The recent (recurring) pushback on Dry January and sobriety set off alarm bells for me. Since my sober-journey is about paying attention to that kind of intuition, I’ve really been curious. At first it really hurts. And, as I’m newly sober (93 days!), it has me questioning myself sometimes: is drinking that big of a deal? Am I over-reacting? Am i some kind of pawn for the right-wing purity-agenda pushers? But, I do settle back around to the simple real and hard truth that drinking alcohol is NOT RIGHT FOR ME. And no one else’s ideas or agenda can change that fact. It is so so personal. My senses are always going to prick up if I think someone is trying to sell me something or make money off of my choices. It happens a lot in a capitalist society. And I definitely am trying not to get bought or sold. But I still thinking drinking is bad for me and it doesn’t matter which box other people put me in - I have to honor that truth. Every day I have to be careful to honor that truth for anyone who also finds it to be harmful for them or they have had enough. Thank you for bringing up this topic!
Congrats on 93 days, Sam! That’s huge. While the experience of sobriety is, of course, different for everyone, I really found that things began to feel different around the 90-day mark. I think that was the point where I very strongly never wanted to be back at Day 1 again.
I love how you describe returning to what feels simple and true: No, this does not work for me. I’ve already tried it and proven it! And I don’t need to consult others or buy anything at all to stay the course and honor what I know deep within.
"drinking alcohol is NOT RIGHT FOR ME. And no one else’s ideas or agenda can change that fact." This is so powerful, Sam. Way to go on 93 days!!!
It's interesting to witness the pushback on dry January, isn't it?
First, a confession: even in my head, "proselytizing" is hard to pronounce. Spelling it just now required extensive finger calisthenics.
Recovery has taught me, as it seems to have taught you, that when I am uncomfortable with someone's narrative it is likely that there is an unsightly truth imbedded there that I'd rather not consider. You showed us in your post how to pull that apart and get at the underlying fear/insecurity. In 12 step language, you practiced step 10. Resentment is the number one offender, and we have to be vigilant about chasing it down before it takes root.
As for Anne's comment, it is a subtle form of gaslighting. I suspect it wasn't intended as such, but it's very common with people made uncomfortable by the self-improvement efforts of others. I practiced the technique for many years and if memory serves, secured a blackbelt.
That word! Not only can’t I pronounce it, but I can’t spell it. I just had to cut and paste it over and over while writing this article.
Thank you for articulating that point and Step 10 so beautifully. Even though I didn’t go the 12-Step route, I find there’s such wisdom and practical guidance there.
And yeah, I really don’t think AHP intended to come off that way. More generally, I think people often don’t realize the casual, offhand way in which they "other" entire groups of people. Personally, I’m trying to work on not doing this (still a practice), in part by imagining how a person I care about who fits in that group would feel if I said the same thing in their presence.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who struggles with the word! 😅
The struggle is real
Alcohol is a killer for me. I could give a shit who knows, who doesn't. If anyone asks why I just look them in the eye and tell them I'm a shit storm if I do. The people who continue to love me are in it for the right reasons. Those that run, again, I could give a shit. Thank you, Dana, for sharing again.
Hell yeah. Thank you, Amy!
A very thoughtful post that deserves lots of reflection. I’ve never been much of a drinker because my father was and it makes me sad. But I remember cutting out sugar for a period of time, how hard that was socially, and how people would say, just have one, or but it’s a birthday cake just have a slice, or but it’s just a pudding. I was constantly left feeling that I was weird, or making a judgement on other peoples choices. It was right hard work it was!
Thank you, Lucy. And I love that you offered a different example than alcohol. I think, in certain ways, trying to change what or how we eat can be even more difficult and can lead to even more pushback from others.
“I’m not judging you, I’m just not drinking.”
Exactly!
Yes!
I've drank regularly my entire adult life, but because of a brain injury had to quit, which was disturbingly hard to do. I was fine when I was home alone, but social events were a nightmare. I could go three or four months at a time and then just cave to pressure. That was when I knew that being a moderate drinker really wasn't in the cards for me. I'm now a month sober and have to take it a day at a time. I appreciate sober content and I quite honestly could give a shit if people proselytize about it or not. I'm fine with anything and everything that helps people who need to be sober stay sober.
Yes! Huge recognition for your journey, and thank you for sharing how sober content’s supporting you. That was my experience, too. I also found getting past Day 1 disturbingly (and tellingly) difficult. Even though my consumption at the time was within a range many consider acceptable, driving past the liquor store on my way home without stopping to pick up wine felt physically and mentally much tougher than I would have expected. So, I told myself: just get to Day 10, then you can drink. Long story short, I still haven’t had that drink - almost five years later. Even more miraculous, I don’t even want alcohol anymore. Sending heart-sourced support your way. It does get easier.
I am so glad you wrote this essay, Dana. I saw that Note you posted in response to Anne’s essay and all my insides got stirred. Thank you for this kind and thoughtful response.
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with (and I’m not entirely sure I’m all the way there) the fact that this alcohol free journey I’m on is MINE. It is my responsibility. It is about my drinking, not anyone else’s. I have to keep my eyes on my own paper because for years I was so focused on others’. In so doing, I was only cheating myself.
AND when I hear pieces of my story, my painful experiences expressed in someone else’s words, I feel understood. I think that’s what all humans want - a sense of belonging. It’s belonging - not proselytizing. That’s what I’m after. That’s why I write about my experience with alcohol and my life as a strong sober women. If that doesn’t resonate, cool. Carry on.
And for those who might hear themselves in my words, I see you. You belong.
Beautiful, Allison. I love that so much, and I’m truly grateful for your writing and your welcoming presence.
"Carry on." YUP, that is all.
It is rather ridiculous to think that sharing sobriety is proselytizing. My gawd, if only they knew. I hope anyone who judges sharing sobriety as proselytizing never finds out the incredible hell it took for so many of us - or at least for me!-to get here. If I was diabetic and took insulin is it proselytizing to say so? But you covered it Dana. That said I try to stay off the spiritual hilltop or to moralize about anyone’s choices. Alcoholism btw is not a lifestyle choice. Far from it.
Powerfully put, Kelly! Thank you for being here and for your voice and writing in the world.
Thanks Dana! Great essay and really needed too!
Totally agree with all of your thoughts in response to the article. I will say though, I have not encountered blow back or any of the recent, negative online trends you mention that are sprouting up in response to people discussing sobriety. It doesn’t shock me—someone could come online and cure cancer and there would be a group of people who decide they don’t like it and attack the person.
I’m glad you responded they way you did to the author and I know you were too polite to say it, but I’d be willing to bet the reason for her response was the same reason so many of us would have responded in that manner at some point in the past. It ruffles something inside people that they’re not ready to confront.
Thanks so much, Todd. And I’m so glad to hear you haven’t encountered that sort of thing. On the whole, I feel so grateful for my connections and community on Substack, and how people show up here.
I didn't start consuming sober content until recently, within the past year. I am currently coming up on 11 years alcohol free. I really appreciate your writing and am grateful I found it. I started consuming sober content because I am not in AA or other program, and it feels nice to have a sense of sober community.
When I first quit drinking I was still interacting with my drinking circle, my job had a very drinking focussed culture. So when letting people know I wasn't drinking anymore I heard things like "I don't know if you can work here anymore... kidding, kidding, I'm kidding" or "What do you mean you're quitting drinking, that's social suicide." also "Can I get you a scotch?" and a couple variations of "I wouldn't know who you are if you're not drinking." That last one is understandable, it was a huge part of my identity.
Now that it's been more than 10 years though, the type of people in my social circle say things like "Good for you." then they carry on without further comment. For the most part.
But...
As I was reading this post I related to it more as a vegan. Especially when you mention the immediate centering other people do. Telling people I don't drink comes up less frequently than telling them I am vegan. You've no doubt heard the joke "How do you know if someone is vegan?" Well when someone invites you to dinner you either tell them you're vegan or decline the invitation. I never tell people I am vegan out of the blue, only when asked or when offered food. When I tell people I'm vegan I get an incredible array of self centering replies. "I was vegetarian in college, but I could never give up cheese.", "I eat mostly vegetables too.", etc. I've also had some pretty aggressive folks defending their meat eating to me out of the blue. Like walking up to me at a gathering, "I heard you're vegan," Me: "Oh hey, yeah, for about seven years now." They then begin telling me why they are not vegan (I didn't ask) and how people should just respect other people's decisions. Me: "Okay."
I also got the same kind of stuff when I changed my lifestyle and lost 80lbs. Folks would come up to me and tell me how great I look and ask me what I did. Then after I responded they would reply with why they couldn't do that and their list of reasons. As if my answering their question was a personal attack on their choices, as if I finished my response with "why haven't you lost the weight?"
One last comment, as I read the other comments I recognized how as a man I don't have to endure assumptions about my choice to quit drinking the way women likely do. That sucks, and I wish that din't happen.
Thanks again for your writing, I appreciate it.
Thanks so much for being here and for sharing, Keith. What a bummer that you received such responses from your work colleagues back then... but how wonderful to hear how things have shifted. Huge recognition for your steadfastness and 11 years alcohol-free!
I also really appreciate that you provided another example - food is such a big one for this. Interestingly, I’ve followed a primarily paleo-primal diet for the past 10-plus years and encounter similar things to what you describe in response to divulging that you’re vegan. I pretty much never mention what I eat unless people ask me directly, and what follows is more often than not: 1. their shock that I’m not vegetarian/vegan (which I actually was for 10 years, so I’ve been on that side of things, too), followed by 2. explaining and defending their own eating choices, which I wasn’t asking about or judging. All to say, I hear you!