Dana, thanks for this important discussion. It is apparent in our culture that people feel they have an inherent right to comment on others without truly understanding what is going on inside. Growing up, I was fortunate to have an amazing metabolism that hid my overeating issues. When I hit 40, that all changed and the fact I was a stress eater became abundantly clear as my slower metabolism couldn't keep up with the junk I was putting in my body. I was able to somewhat hide it under baggy clothes for a while but this past year has been an eye-opener for me. I am at least 30lbs overweight and my BMI is at an unhealthy level. I am not a young kid anymore. I realize I need to take action on this so that I can be healthy and be around for my grandkids. This is my own personal awareness of my stituation and is only possible because over the past year I have become more aware of the trauma going on within me. Sometimes I would get comments from others about the extra weight without them really having an understanding of my mental state. The bottom line is none of us can know the inner life of another well enough to comment on these types of things. Thanks so much.
Thank you so much for sharing that, Matthew. Huge recognition for your honesty, self-awareness, and courage in examining what’s beneath the surface. Just by sharing, you’re no doubt helping others feel safer, seen, less broken.
Dana, your headline took me by surprise and drew me in. I realize that I do make these kind of judgments (internally, only) and your essay makes me question why. Whether it’s skinny shaming or fat shaming, I wish I weren’t doing it, even if it’s an interior thought. I recently finished watching “Baby Reindeer” and found myself distracted the whole time by Martha’s “appearance.” Perhaps this is a result of messages from my own family as well as signals from society. Bravo for writing about this.
Thanks so much for sharing that, Debbie. I too am examining my internal judgements lately - trying not to “judge the judgment” too harshly (because that never seems to help) while asking: “Why exactly am I feeling and doing that? What else is going on here?” For me, there’s pretty much always some combination of fear, grief, and shame at the root.
I don’t have an addiction with food body etc, but, I have never been able to put on weight, and when younger, people often said, you need to eat more, you’re too thin etc etc, and it left me moving through my teenage years feeling completely inadequate as I grew into a woman, who didn’t develop curves. It caused a lot of suffering, that no one understood because they assumed, wrongly, that I didn’t eat enough. I’m now an Ayurvedic coach and learned in my training that there are different body types, some people easily put weight on and some find it really hard, all are beautiful. This isn’t completely on topic, apologies if that’s not okay 😊
Thank you so much for sharing that, Lucy. And I love that you brought up Ayurveda and the different body types. Such a beautiful example of a medicine that looks to support the whole of us - helping us honour and choose what’s supportive for our individual tendencies, patterns, and needs.
Fat phobia is real and often disguised as “health advice” from busybodies—it doesn’t help anyone. I also agree about skinny shaming; that too is an issue and simply causes self hatred and insecurity! This article’s message is important to share!
I appreciate the repeated reminder to stop "trying"—quotation marks feel important here—to help others and just take care of yourself.
On this same theme, I thought you might welcome the following perspective on what Buddhism is, from Uchiyama Roshi's commentary on Dogen Zenji's "Refraining from Evil." Uchiyama Roshi writes:
"More than anything else, the teaching of Buddhism is about cleaning up one's own life—that is the foundation of the Buddhadharma. For the most part, all societies are made up of groups of people who themselves are not settled and are ready to get into the mix at the drop of a hat; once you set out to correct something in society, you're very likely to just get dragged into the vortex and swallowed up by all the troubles.
The fundamental teaching of Buddhadharma is becoming a true adult. To put it another way, we must straighten out our own lives first. I frankly believe the most fundamental way to resolve all the evils and sufferings going on around the world, or the social ills facing mankind, is nothing other than for there to be just one more human being straightening out his or her own life."
Thank you for this insight. You mention control and relief - those two things were very important to me when I was mired in substance (alcohol) abuse. When I finally asked for help, I first went to a trusted friend who had shared previous experiences about his own struggles with the same issue. Had he told me I "had a problem" or that I "needed help" I would have perceived him as judgmental and not sought him out. But I knew him as someone who already cared about me and so it was easier (though still super hard) to ask him for some advice and help.
Thanks so much for sharing that, Andy. And yes! I find that connecting human-to-human is far more healing than calling someone out, othering them, or shaming them.
Thank you so much for this. I continue to struggle with eating in ways I’ve really only recently started to face more directly. Meditation and mindfulness, once again, appear to be helping me the most. (Just seeing the behaviors and what’s around them, driving them, is essential.) And then self-validation and self-compassion practices are most useful, so far. I’m really trying to be completely *not* changed-focused, as any active attempts to be “healthier,” no matter how I define that, feel like they’re sliding back into other ways I could “fail.” Much more to be learned ahead. Again, thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing that, Kiki. I so hear you about focusing on fixing, changing, and solving the self. For me, that “drive” can easily swing into familiar, unhelpful patterns. Sending blessings and spaciousness as you walk with it all.
I never had an eating disorder per se, but definitely had an unhealthy relationship with food. Bingeing was my disorder of choice. In high school, whenever I was trying to get down to a "healthy weight" and was feeling good about myself, if my mom made any type of comment, good or bad, it would immediately set me to binge eat. She could be complimenting me, and it would still set me off. It wasn't until I discovered yoga, meditation, and self-love that things shifted in that area. Shame doesn't motivate anyone. Commenting on someone's body, in any way, doesn't help either.
Thank you for bringing all of this here, Dana. I’ve struggled with food as far back as I can remember. It is how my family showed love. Through food. It truly was my first addiction. The hardest one for me to break.
What this piece also brought up for me is how easily feelings can be hurt just by commenting on someone’s body - period. I am tall and have always been tall. People assume that is desirable so it’s always been something people remark on. My height. My daughter is dealing with it now, too. She is so much taller than her best buddies and feels so self-conscious about it. People tell her all the time, wow look how tall you are. You just keep on growing. This only makes her feel othered in her 10 year old body. It’s an ongoing pain point that she brings to me. I tell her - I understand.
And so much resonance over the digging to the roots to tackle any of this. For me, this rings true when in comes to drinking, eating, scrolling, over-working- all the excesses. It is never about the thing. It’s not about the alcohol, the food, the content, the job. It’s goes way deeper than that. To heal, you have to dig. Down to the roots.
Thank you Dana -for articulating so humanely a complicated and necessary conversation.
Thank you, Allison. So true: it’s never about the thing. And I’m fascinated by your experience of tallness - especially because I’m 5 feet and have been othered for that my entire life (often treated like a child or completely ignored, dismissed, etc.). I’ve always wondered how my life would be different if I’d been taller - people absolutely treat us differently depending on our height. I guess a person has to be “just right” sized to escape it…but perhaps they’d be shamed for that “privilege.” Sigh. Grateful for folks like you in the world - who are aware and willing to have these complex conversations. ❤️
This piece brought up a whole lot for me. So many emotions, judgments, opinions. Going to dig a little and explore that. Have a pretty good idea why already, but man did this activate me. This is one of the reasons why I love your work Dana. You provoke thought around these sensitive topics, and for me it always feels like a safe place to be honest about thoughts and feelings towards the topics even if I don’t share.
And I’m cannot wait to hear about your adventures in Cambodia!! I would 100% read a newsletter all about that! ☺️
Thank you so much for your generous words, your honesty and courage, and for just being here, Amy. I’m truly grateful for your presence and am sending wishes for much spaciousness and clarity as you sit with it all. And, believe me, I know - this topic can be a lot!
I’ll definitely be writing about Cambodia! We leave on June 17th, so just around the corner... ❤️
Those so-called helpful comments are hurtful and often have a judgmental vibe. Since I was a child, I got those types of comments about my hair, not my body. When I ditched the hair dye and grew out my hair cold turkey, I received a ton of unsolicited advice. So I nicknamed them Polite Hair Trolls. People who give unwanted comments/advice on weight are Polite Body Trolls.
Thank you for this one, Dana. I saw the title and instantly clicked.
While I haven't struggled with an eating disorder, I do remember being called "skinny" when I was young. I could never gain weight no matter how hard I tried, and so many people would roll their eyes at that fact because I was "lucky." Instant shame would wash over me when I heard those words directed at me, especially because all I wanted was to be bigger—it probably has a lot to do with why I wanted to be bigger. I felt so much shame, embarrassment, and guilt when people would point out my size. There's no place for comments on someone else's body, EVER. It's all damaging.
I'm finally at a place where I feel comfortable in my body, but the lasting effects of it are always deep in my being and flare up every once in a while.
I’m a food addict and go to Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous. I only got overweight in my late twenties, and only had 35 lbs to lose, but they way I treat food is the same way an alcoholic treats alcohol. I just started at 15 months old 🐮
All animal emojis welcome here! Seriously though, thank you so much for sharing, Cara. And huge recognition and celebration of your courage, honesty, and path of recovery. Cheering you on.
Dana, thanks for this important discussion. It is apparent in our culture that people feel they have an inherent right to comment on others without truly understanding what is going on inside. Growing up, I was fortunate to have an amazing metabolism that hid my overeating issues. When I hit 40, that all changed and the fact I was a stress eater became abundantly clear as my slower metabolism couldn't keep up with the junk I was putting in my body. I was able to somewhat hide it under baggy clothes for a while but this past year has been an eye-opener for me. I am at least 30lbs overweight and my BMI is at an unhealthy level. I am not a young kid anymore. I realize I need to take action on this so that I can be healthy and be around for my grandkids. This is my own personal awareness of my stituation and is only possible because over the past year I have become more aware of the trauma going on within me. Sometimes I would get comments from others about the extra weight without them really having an understanding of my mental state. The bottom line is none of us can know the inner life of another well enough to comment on these types of things. Thanks so much.
Thank you so much for sharing that, Matthew. Huge recognition for your honesty, self-awareness, and courage in examining what’s beneath the surface. Just by sharing, you’re no doubt helping others feel safer, seen, less broken.
Dana, your headline took me by surprise and drew me in. I realize that I do make these kind of judgments (internally, only) and your essay makes me question why. Whether it’s skinny shaming or fat shaming, I wish I weren’t doing it, even if it’s an interior thought. I recently finished watching “Baby Reindeer” and found myself distracted the whole time by Martha’s “appearance.” Perhaps this is a result of messages from my own family as well as signals from society. Bravo for writing about this.
Thanks so much for sharing that, Debbie. I too am examining my internal judgements lately - trying not to “judge the judgment” too harshly (because that never seems to help) while asking: “Why exactly am I feeling and doing that? What else is going on here?” For me, there’s pretty much always some combination of fear, grief, and shame at the root.
so well put: “fear, grief, and shame”
Someone else's body is never my business. I agree, Dana. Thanks for underlining this fact.
Thank you, Diana! Hearts to you!
Hearts right back at you, Dana.
I don’t have an addiction with food body etc, but, I have never been able to put on weight, and when younger, people often said, you need to eat more, you’re too thin etc etc, and it left me moving through my teenage years feeling completely inadequate as I grew into a woman, who didn’t develop curves. It caused a lot of suffering, that no one understood because they assumed, wrongly, that I didn’t eat enough. I’m now an Ayurvedic coach and learned in my training that there are different body types, some people easily put weight on and some find it really hard, all are beautiful. This isn’t completely on topic, apologies if that’s not okay 😊
Thank you so much for sharing that, Lucy. And I love that you brought up Ayurveda and the different body types. Such a beautiful example of a medicine that looks to support the whole of us - helping us honour and choose what’s supportive for our individual tendencies, patterns, and needs.
I can relate to these feelings, Lucy. I had a similar experience. Thank you for sharing your perspective!
Thank you, Kaitlyn 🙏🏽
Fat phobia is real and often disguised as “health advice” from busybodies—it doesn’t help anyone. I also agree about skinny shaming; that too is an issue and simply causes self hatred and insecurity! This article’s message is important to share!
Thank you, Bethel. And so true - sigh. ❤️
I appreciate the repeated reminder to stop "trying"—quotation marks feel important here—to help others and just take care of yourself.
On this same theme, I thought you might welcome the following perspective on what Buddhism is, from Uchiyama Roshi's commentary on Dogen Zenji's "Refraining from Evil." Uchiyama Roshi writes:
"More than anything else, the teaching of Buddhism is about cleaning up one's own life—that is the foundation of the Buddhadharma. For the most part, all societies are made up of groups of people who themselves are not settled and are ready to get into the mix at the drop of a hat; once you set out to correct something in society, you're very likely to just get dragged into the vortex and swallowed up by all the troubles.
The fundamental teaching of Buddhadharma is becoming a true adult. To put it another way, we must straighten out our own lives first. I frankly believe the most fundamental way to resolve all the evils and sufferings going on around the world, or the social ills facing mankind, is nothing other than for there to be just one more human being straightening out his or her own life."
Yes! Thank you so much for sharing that, Taishin Michael. That teaching feels very true to me.
Such a common story... mine too. Eating disorders and sugar addiction often lurk beneath alcohol abuse. The primary numbing substance...
Thank you for sharing, Kay. And so true that these patterns often go hand-in-hand. ❤️
Thank you for this insight. You mention control and relief - those two things were very important to me when I was mired in substance (alcohol) abuse. When I finally asked for help, I first went to a trusted friend who had shared previous experiences about his own struggles with the same issue. Had he told me I "had a problem" or that I "needed help" I would have perceived him as judgmental and not sought him out. But I knew him as someone who already cared about me and so it was easier (though still super hard) to ask him for some advice and help.
Thanks so much for sharing that, Andy. And yes! I find that connecting human-to-human is far more healing than calling someone out, othering them, or shaming them.
Thank you so much for this. I continue to struggle with eating in ways I’ve really only recently started to face more directly. Meditation and mindfulness, once again, appear to be helping me the most. (Just seeing the behaviors and what’s around them, driving them, is essential.) And then self-validation and self-compassion practices are most useful, so far. I’m really trying to be completely *not* changed-focused, as any active attempts to be “healthier,” no matter how I define that, feel like they’re sliding back into other ways I could “fail.” Much more to be learned ahead. Again, thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing that, Kiki. I so hear you about focusing on fixing, changing, and solving the self. For me, that “drive” can easily swing into familiar, unhelpful patterns. Sending blessings and spaciousness as you walk with it all.
I never had an eating disorder per se, but definitely had an unhealthy relationship with food. Bingeing was my disorder of choice. In high school, whenever I was trying to get down to a "healthy weight" and was feeling good about myself, if my mom made any type of comment, good or bad, it would immediately set me to binge eat. She could be complimenting me, and it would still set me off. It wasn't until I discovered yoga, meditation, and self-love that things shifted in that area. Shame doesn't motivate anyone. Commenting on someone's body, in any way, doesn't help either.
Thank you so much for sharing, Janine. Love that you found places of connection and healing. ❤️
Thank you for bringing all of this here, Dana. I’ve struggled with food as far back as I can remember. It is how my family showed love. Through food. It truly was my first addiction. The hardest one for me to break.
What this piece also brought up for me is how easily feelings can be hurt just by commenting on someone’s body - period. I am tall and have always been tall. People assume that is desirable so it’s always been something people remark on. My height. My daughter is dealing with it now, too. She is so much taller than her best buddies and feels so self-conscious about it. People tell her all the time, wow look how tall you are. You just keep on growing. This only makes her feel othered in her 10 year old body. It’s an ongoing pain point that she brings to me. I tell her - I understand.
And so much resonance over the digging to the roots to tackle any of this. For me, this rings true when in comes to drinking, eating, scrolling, over-working- all the excesses. It is never about the thing. It’s not about the alcohol, the food, the content, the job. It’s goes way deeper than that. To heal, you have to dig. Down to the roots.
Thank you Dana -for articulating so humanely a complicated and necessary conversation.
❤️🙏🏼
Thank you, Allison. So true: it’s never about the thing. And I’m fascinated by your experience of tallness - especially because I’m 5 feet and have been othered for that my entire life (often treated like a child or completely ignored, dismissed, etc.). I’ve always wondered how my life would be different if I’d been taller - people absolutely treat us differently depending on our height. I guess a person has to be “just right” sized to escape it…but perhaps they’d be shamed for that “privilege.” Sigh. Grateful for folks like you in the world - who are aware and willing to have these complex conversations. ❤️
This piece brought up a whole lot for me. So many emotions, judgments, opinions. Going to dig a little and explore that. Have a pretty good idea why already, but man did this activate me. This is one of the reasons why I love your work Dana. You provoke thought around these sensitive topics, and for me it always feels like a safe place to be honest about thoughts and feelings towards the topics even if I don’t share.
And I’m cannot wait to hear about your adventures in Cambodia!! I would 100% read a newsletter all about that! ☺️
Thank you so much for your generous words, your honesty and courage, and for just being here, Amy. I’m truly grateful for your presence and am sending wishes for much spaciousness and clarity as you sit with it all. And, believe me, I know - this topic can be a lot!
I’ll definitely be writing about Cambodia! We leave on June 17th, so just around the corner... ❤️
Those so-called helpful comments are hurtful and often have a judgmental vibe. Since I was a child, I got those types of comments about my hair, not my body. When I ditched the hair dye and grew out my hair cold turkey, I received a ton of unsolicited advice. So I nicknamed them Polite Hair Trolls. People who give unwanted comments/advice on weight are Polite Body Trolls.
Love that, Pamela. Although so sorry you were on the receiving end of PHTs. Hurray for doing what you wish with your hair!
PHTs helped me be true to myself!
Thank you for this one, Dana. I saw the title and instantly clicked.
While I haven't struggled with an eating disorder, I do remember being called "skinny" when I was young. I could never gain weight no matter how hard I tried, and so many people would roll their eyes at that fact because I was "lucky." Instant shame would wash over me when I heard those words directed at me, especially because all I wanted was to be bigger—it probably has a lot to do with why I wanted to be bigger. I felt so much shame, embarrassment, and guilt when people would point out my size. There's no place for comments on someone else's body, EVER. It's all damaging.
I'm finally at a place where I feel comfortable in my body, but the lasting effects of it are always deep in my being and flare up every once in a while.
Thank you so much for being here and for sharing, Kaitlyn. Sending heart-sourced blessings on your path with it all! ❤️
Thanks for writing about this. Much needed 🫶🏽
Thank you, Tawny! Hearts to you!
I’m a food addict and go to Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous. I only got overweight in my late twenties, and only had 35 lbs to lose, but they way I treat food is the same way an alcoholic treats alcohol. I just started at 15 months old 🐮
Did not mean to hit the cow emoji! Meant to do 🥴
All animal emojis welcome here! Seriously though, thank you so much for sharing, Cara. And huge recognition and celebration of your courage, honesty, and path of recovery. Cheering you on.