Dana, this is hard work - to articulate all this - and you have done an elegant and fair job. Thank you for your courage in putting these discussions out there. I wish I had more time to weigh in, but traveling tomorrow so I will just say:
You had me with : "This isn’t the first or second or even tenth time I’ve read content that blurred the line between people who choose to be sober-ish and people for whom sobriety is life-saving."
Above all else, I think it is super important for sober-ish folks to understand that stopping drinking and staying sober is a life-and-death situation for many chronic alcoholics who cannot moderate their drinking. Although many sober folks do not identify as being an alcoholic, I do - and I fit the definition I finally stumbled over when I was desperately trying to stop 17 years ago:
"An alcoholic has reached the point in his or her drinking where they cannot accurately predict how many drinks they will have or how long they will go on drinking if they take the first sip."
This loss of control is devastating and mind-bending and painful and very, very, hard to acknowledge to oneself, let alone stop on one's own. My grandmother and a cousin died tragically from alcoholism; it is a deadly disease. I will be forever grateful for the people who helped me understand that first I had to stop drinking, and then I would be able to work on all the reasons I got to the place I did in the first place. I don't by any means think that the WAY I got sober (AA) is the only way to do it. It is undeniably a good thing that there are so many different paths to sobriety now. But my sponsor in AA used to tell me that I had to be careful who I listened to in early sobriety, because it wasn't a matter of life and death for everyone in the rooms. Some folks are problem drinkers, some just want to stop for personal reasons (and any reason to get sober is a good one), but if you are an alcoholic, you will most benefit from being surrounded by other alcoholics in recovery.
I hope I don't sound like an old-school crank, but I probably do! (This is why I mostly stick to writing about serenity on the other side of getting sober!). Thank you again, Dana
Thank you for writing and sharing this. For me, there can be no data points, no slips; no “ish.” And if there were, I wouldn’t be counting my sobriety as “continuous” as I’ve heard people do in meetings. It’s frustrating. It feels as though it lessens my sobriety. Is that immature? Jealousy? I don’t think so. For over 4 years, I have worked damn hard to stay completely alcohol free. I don’t soften my hard moments with a glass of wine or a shot of vodka. And when I’ve had that urge, I’ve used all my tools to not do so.
I, like you, am grateful for the trend toward sobriety and 100% support harm reduction. I just don’t want my hard won sobriety lumped in with someone’s sober-ish moderation or alcohol reduction. Which isn’t to say that some folks who aim for full sobriety sometimes slip. That’s different and I think we all know that.
I also believe (hope?) we will see a shift in the alcohol consumption culture, much like we saw in the tobacco smoking culture. It wasn’t that long ago where to be a non-smoker was to be the oddity; the weirdo, the annoying one asking to sit in the nonsmoking section (remember those?). I hope, that in my lifetime, I see us sober folks becoming the normies, with the drinkers outside on the back stoop, chugging their highly taxed socially unacceptable hard cider.
Thank you for this. I have moved another small increment closer to clarity in my thinking on this. The tiny amount I drink now was unimaginable when I was leaning heavily on alcohol as a coping mechanism and that brings me confidence for what’s possible in the future. Every time I read something you have written on sobriety, I am more sure that this is right for me and that I will get there. currently on the rare occasion I do drink, I can notice what is going on and what I am needing without judging. I remain curious when I repeatedly find that my most common reason for drinking is still peer pressure or maybe that is just an excuse for self abandoning. I know I am making progress and it’s reassuring to see so many others on this path, all finding the best way for themselves. It’s my pleasure to be walking together with you and this community ❤️
"The mindful drinking movement does not support my sobriety.
In my personal recovery, discussion about sober-ish life and mindful drinking are not supportive. In fact, the most supportive thing for my recovery is to distance myself from those conversations."
There's a parallel here with my recent thoughts on how to approach what I believe to be a serious junk food addiction in myself, and "intuitive eating" as it applies to binge eating.
At first glance, intuitive eating makes sense to me. I should be able to eat one cookie, enjoy it, and continue my day. The problem is that my body doesn't know what's healthy, and I get hijacked by uncontrollable urges. My intuition about certain foods is busted.
Of course, I don't know what alcohol addiction is like, and I imagine it as being so much worse than my problem. But one cookie seems a little similar in some ways to "just having one shot."
I can't eat one cookie without thinking for hours or days about all the other crap I could eat. I'll get that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach as I deliberate for hours over whether or not to stop at each and every gas station, Mcdonalds or supermarket I pass until eventually, I buckle, just to get rid of that feeling.
The safest course isn't intuitive eating, but intentional eating. Avoidance is the best solution.
My father was a binge drinking alcoholic. He could go months sober without ever calling himself sober or being considered sober. I ended up being the same kind of alcoholic. I also stayed sober for months at a time on a regular basis. I was a high-functioning alcoholic in that regard but I was never truly sober.
Thank you for this courageous piece, Dana. AS a sober member of a 12 Step fellowship for over 20 years, I could not live without it. Literally. It has saved my life. I would say more but honestly can't think of anything you haven't already said better. Oh, and I'm back. :)
Fantastic post. Thank you for sharing. I agree. In terms of other exclusive space debates, nationally we're discussing this on college campuses as DEI work is being politicized. Having a safe supportive space for Black students, for example, is now being seen as too exclusionary. But living at a PWI is exclusionary by nature and those affinity groups and spaces are created for Black students to find safety and a sense of belonging. Same for GSA/pride groups on campus. Both of these examples always welcome allies who might be outside of those identities but it's not a place for an ally to go to raise their voice and concerns. It wasn't created for the allies. It's necessary and helpful to create spaces and groups for individuals who are marginalized in our society. I see this as similar in some ways.
Way to go Dana!! This needed to be dissected and discussed. I’ll share my experience as an AA attendee as well as someone who helps new people in recovery; the ‘I’m sober-ish’ attitude won’t cut it with people who stand in the TSA line with a bottle of Aquifina refilled with vodka and waiting until the officer says “drink it or dump it out!!” to ‘load up’ so they can then make it until drinks are served on their flight!! These same newbies still “aren’t sure” they are alcoholic. Right???!!!! So, you have these types (which in AA are the majority) and then you have the -ish people that feel the need to talk for 10 minutes about how great their lives are now that they are hanging out with people in recovery but they still ‘slip’ once in awhile. The TSA Aquifina vodka drinker is like “see, I can still drink a little…”. I’m like “noooo…their different.” Anyway, I’m just showing the dilema with integrating all levels of addiction. It’s tricky!! Thanks for opening this up Dana!!! 🙏
it’s wonderful you published this, even though you could feel the parts telling you not to. I was watching myself as I read this, kind of noticing my different feelings (or I’d call them “parts”) come up. You are so right about how some level of exclusivity (with reason and meaning) lends itself to even a deeper senes of belonging. It’s like you said, of course we want everyone to find spaces where they feel belonging, but can that really be felt if there is no container, no edges? I flirted with all the sober curious options, including mindful drinking before finding myself at sober-sober and that is just worked for me. I too deeply value harm reduction and don’t need everyone to do it like me. I just need myself to do it like me. Which is another thing that I think you know, but want to name is that I really felt you described what you need. What works for you. Not what other people should do.
And your question about exclusivity brought to mind the strangest memory (I’m not editing here, just remembering) of a Gold’s Gym I worked at (ah!) in college where there was a part that was just for women. It was amazing at the time for me. I could exercise in peace. This was a long time ago and I hope they would frame it differently now in terms of the gender, but it’s a Gold’s Gym so that it probably deranged of me, but a girl can dream.
This just sounds like maturity, other-centeredness, and wisdom to me. There is a biblical model for this approach, Paul said “I have become all things to all people” so that his witness was credible with all. Thanks, Dana.
Your line about not identifying as an alcoholic but rather as sober really resonated with me.
Personally I’m still figuring out what my label might be: alcohol free, a person in recovery (not so much), but I like the idea of recovering my true self. A person in discovery, yes.
Thank you for pushing past your resistance and sharing this piece.
This was a helpful and interesting read, thank you! I am sober, which is absolutely the best thing for my mental and physical health, but I came to sobriety at this point in my life because of my spouse’s alcohol addiction. So a different path, and why I don’t tend to advertise myself as “sober.” Language and labels are ever-evolving though, I might find myself becoming more comfortable with it.
Dana, this is hard work - to articulate all this - and you have done an elegant and fair job. Thank you for your courage in putting these discussions out there. I wish I had more time to weigh in, but traveling tomorrow so I will just say:
You had me with : "This isn’t the first or second or even tenth time I’ve read content that blurred the line between people who choose to be sober-ish and people for whom sobriety is life-saving."
Above all else, I think it is super important for sober-ish folks to understand that stopping drinking and staying sober is a life-and-death situation for many chronic alcoholics who cannot moderate their drinking. Although many sober folks do not identify as being an alcoholic, I do - and I fit the definition I finally stumbled over when I was desperately trying to stop 17 years ago:
"An alcoholic has reached the point in his or her drinking where they cannot accurately predict how many drinks they will have or how long they will go on drinking if they take the first sip."
This loss of control is devastating and mind-bending and painful and very, very, hard to acknowledge to oneself, let alone stop on one's own. My grandmother and a cousin died tragically from alcoholism; it is a deadly disease. I will be forever grateful for the people who helped me understand that first I had to stop drinking, and then I would be able to work on all the reasons I got to the place I did in the first place. I don't by any means think that the WAY I got sober (AA) is the only way to do it. It is undeniably a good thing that there are so many different paths to sobriety now. But my sponsor in AA used to tell me that I had to be careful who I listened to in early sobriety, because it wasn't a matter of life and death for everyone in the rooms. Some folks are problem drinkers, some just want to stop for personal reasons (and any reason to get sober is a good one), but if you are an alcoholic, you will most benefit from being surrounded by other alcoholics in recovery.
I hope I don't sound like an old-school crank, but I probably do! (This is why I mostly stick to writing about serenity on the other side of getting sober!). Thank you again, Dana
Thank you for writing and sharing this. For me, there can be no data points, no slips; no “ish.” And if there were, I wouldn’t be counting my sobriety as “continuous” as I’ve heard people do in meetings. It’s frustrating. It feels as though it lessens my sobriety. Is that immature? Jealousy? I don’t think so. For over 4 years, I have worked damn hard to stay completely alcohol free. I don’t soften my hard moments with a glass of wine or a shot of vodka. And when I’ve had that urge, I’ve used all my tools to not do so.
I, like you, am grateful for the trend toward sobriety and 100% support harm reduction. I just don’t want my hard won sobriety lumped in with someone’s sober-ish moderation or alcohol reduction. Which isn’t to say that some folks who aim for full sobriety sometimes slip. That’s different and I think we all know that.
I also believe (hope?) we will see a shift in the alcohol consumption culture, much like we saw in the tobacco smoking culture. It wasn’t that long ago where to be a non-smoker was to be the oddity; the weirdo, the annoying one asking to sit in the nonsmoking section (remember those?). I hope, that in my lifetime, I see us sober folks becoming the normies, with the drinkers outside on the back stoop, chugging their highly taxed socially unacceptable hard cider.
Thank you for this. I have moved another small increment closer to clarity in my thinking on this. The tiny amount I drink now was unimaginable when I was leaning heavily on alcohol as a coping mechanism and that brings me confidence for what’s possible in the future. Every time I read something you have written on sobriety, I am more sure that this is right for me and that I will get there. currently on the rare occasion I do drink, I can notice what is going on and what I am needing without judging. I remain curious when I repeatedly find that my most common reason for drinking is still peer pressure or maybe that is just an excuse for self abandoning. I know I am making progress and it’s reassuring to see so many others on this path, all finding the best way for themselves. It’s my pleasure to be walking together with you and this community ❤️
"The mindful drinking movement does not support my sobriety.
In my personal recovery, discussion about sober-ish life and mindful drinking are not supportive. In fact, the most supportive thing for my recovery is to distance myself from those conversations."
There's a parallel here with my recent thoughts on how to approach what I believe to be a serious junk food addiction in myself, and "intuitive eating" as it applies to binge eating.
At first glance, intuitive eating makes sense to me. I should be able to eat one cookie, enjoy it, and continue my day. The problem is that my body doesn't know what's healthy, and I get hijacked by uncontrollable urges. My intuition about certain foods is busted.
Of course, I don't know what alcohol addiction is like, and I imagine it as being so much worse than my problem. But one cookie seems a little similar in some ways to "just having one shot."
I can't eat one cookie without thinking for hours or days about all the other crap I could eat. I'll get that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach as I deliberate for hours over whether or not to stop at each and every gas station, Mcdonalds or supermarket I pass until eventually, I buckle, just to get rid of that feeling.
The safest course isn't intuitive eating, but intentional eating. Avoidance is the best solution.
Very well articulated. I agree on all fronts.
My father was a binge drinking alcoholic. He could go months sober without ever calling himself sober or being considered sober. I ended up being the same kind of alcoholic. I also stayed sober for months at a time on a regular basis. I was a high-functioning alcoholic in that regard but I was never truly sober.
Thank you for this courageous piece, Dana. AS a sober member of a 12 Step fellowship for over 20 years, I could not live without it. Literally. It has saved my life. I would say more but honestly can't think of anything you haven't already said better. Oh, and I'm back. :)
Fantastic post. Thank you for sharing. I agree. In terms of other exclusive space debates, nationally we're discussing this on college campuses as DEI work is being politicized. Having a safe supportive space for Black students, for example, is now being seen as too exclusionary. But living at a PWI is exclusionary by nature and those affinity groups and spaces are created for Black students to find safety and a sense of belonging. Same for GSA/pride groups on campus. Both of these examples always welcome allies who might be outside of those identities but it's not a place for an ally to go to raise their voice and concerns. It wasn't created for the allies. It's necessary and helpful to create spaces and groups for individuals who are marginalized in our society. I see this as similar in some ways.
Way to go Dana!! This needed to be dissected and discussed. I’ll share my experience as an AA attendee as well as someone who helps new people in recovery; the ‘I’m sober-ish’ attitude won’t cut it with people who stand in the TSA line with a bottle of Aquifina refilled with vodka and waiting until the officer says “drink it or dump it out!!” to ‘load up’ so they can then make it until drinks are served on their flight!! These same newbies still “aren’t sure” they are alcoholic. Right???!!!! So, you have these types (which in AA are the majority) and then you have the -ish people that feel the need to talk for 10 minutes about how great their lives are now that they are hanging out with people in recovery but they still ‘slip’ once in awhile. The TSA Aquifina vodka drinker is like “see, I can still drink a little…”. I’m like “noooo…their different.” Anyway, I’m just showing the dilema with integrating all levels of addiction. It’s tricky!! Thanks for opening this up Dana!!! 🙏
This is a whole layer and nuanced conversation I wasn't aware was happening. Thanks for sorting through it, Dana. I agree with you!
it’s wonderful you published this, even though you could feel the parts telling you not to. I was watching myself as I read this, kind of noticing my different feelings (or I’d call them “parts”) come up. You are so right about how some level of exclusivity (with reason and meaning) lends itself to even a deeper senes of belonging. It’s like you said, of course we want everyone to find spaces where they feel belonging, but can that really be felt if there is no container, no edges? I flirted with all the sober curious options, including mindful drinking before finding myself at sober-sober and that is just worked for me. I too deeply value harm reduction and don’t need everyone to do it like me. I just need myself to do it like me. Which is another thing that I think you know, but want to name is that I really felt you described what you need. What works for you. Not what other people should do.
And your question about exclusivity brought to mind the strangest memory (I’m not editing here, just remembering) of a Gold’s Gym I worked at (ah!) in college where there was a part that was just for women. It was amazing at the time for me. I could exercise in peace. This was a long time ago and I hope they would frame it differently now in terms of the gender, but it’s a Gold’s Gym so that it probably deranged of me, but a girl can dream.
This just sounds like maturity, other-centeredness, and wisdom to me. There is a biblical model for this approach, Paul said “I have become all things to all people” so that his witness was credible with all. Thanks, Dana.
Your line about not identifying as an alcoholic but rather as sober really resonated with me.
Personally I’m still figuring out what my label might be: alcohol free, a person in recovery (not so much), but I like the idea of recovering my true self. A person in discovery, yes.
Thank you for pushing past your resistance and sharing this piece.
This was a helpful and interesting read, thank you! I am sober, which is absolutely the best thing for my mental and physical health, but I came to sobriety at this point in my life because of my spouse’s alcohol addiction. So a different path, and why I don’t tend to advertise myself as “sober.” Language and labels are ever-evolving though, I might find myself becoming more comfortable with it.
My plane is taking off so I can’t leave the comment I want to leave so I will simply say Amen Sister!!!!
Dana - this is everything. Thank you 🙏🏼
The sober movement is here. It is a beautiful thing. And the thing about movement is it’s fluid.
Whenever anyone examines their relationship with alcohol, I applaud and commend it.
AND…. words are important- how we use them and infer meaning from them.
This is such an important dissection of the life saving aspects and distinctions when one dedicates themself to sobriety.
Your approach here is infused with such compassion, understanding AND resolute distinctions that must be made. My gratitude to you! 💕