Ngl, I definitely felt the heat rising at the back of my neck as I made my way through this post because I think it is remarkably audacious and tbh abhorrent to disguise shaming a woman for charging for her work as ‘sharing a perspective’.
This is your work, this is labour. You can charge for that as you see fit.
Not every endeavour can be purely altruistic because we need food, shelter, warmth and tbh whatever else we want to spend our hard earned money on. Not every endeavour SHOULD be purely altruistic. And you actually post a lot for free subscribers and also links to resources (not that you need to but this is the space you wanted to create and have created, which so many people appreciate).
I think people, women in particular, who provide services and content in sober spaces should charge for their work because there’s this expectation that a lot of things should be free and it’s simply not sustainable to put so much out and get nothing back. It’s not a fair exchange. Work is work.
Last point, women already do so much unpaid labour so I like women defying the narrative that that’s how it should be. So much love to you Dana 🫶🏽
That man is jealous of your audience and seeks to cause drama. I recommend blocking him and moving on with your work. I would also submit that your work helps people move beyond sobriety with what I perceive as a seeking life balance.
Also, I am not an addict but I am a paid subscribe because I see value in helping you support other human beings to become more than just recovering addicts.
Dana, I went through a similar struggle when I decided to put some of my writing behind a paywall. I do liberally give free lifetime subscriptions when a reader confesses they can't afford to pay, but what we're doing is work (it's called service journalism) and I believe work should be paid for. Someone on social media made an awful, cutting remark about a story I wrote for The Cut, and because she's also in the media, I was struck by her public vitriol. In the back of my mind I was thinking that there must've been something that set her off, something she was experiencing that ruined her equilibrium. And I read not long after her comment that her husband had been very sick and then recently died. No excuse for bad behavior, but that reminded me that people are sometimes weathering violent storms, which makes them act weird and say hurtful things. Again, no excuse for the a-hole who clocked you in the gut. But maybe his dog just died. I hope you've let the whole thing go. xo
As a therapist I had to learn some people will not change and will take their unresolved emotional / addiction out on the nearest person. Thank you for your willingness to serve people. Kindness is still a commodity.
In what I think is the fourth preface of the Big Book, AA acknowledges that it will not be the only solution, yet so many seem to avoid this point. Sobriety with AA in my experience has spent a long time hiding behind a closed door, keeping itself secretive and thereby supporting the idea that it is shameful to be an alcoholic. This didn't help me find it or even consider that sobriety was a viable option to drinking. I was lucky, in that when I went, I managed to stay. I know many who didn't and many who are no longer with us. This now feels like a revolution that women are in the driving seat of. Writing about it, being public about it, bringing the shame out of the shadows and into the light. Of course it needs to be paid for, how else will it perpetuate and grow, how else will the light be held up for all those who need to find it. AA saved my life, I am eternally grateful for it but I cannot stand by and watch people use it to diminish the work of others that might threaten their own sense of self. I want a sobriety that enables me and lifts me, that doesn't see me hiding in a church hall but allows me to tell others that being sober is THE best thing I have ever done. I have almost fifteen years, it will not be talking about it in public or being paid to help others that threatens it.
It's sad that some men feel entitled to leave these kinds of comments. I think what we do with our Substack accounts -- whether we charge or don't, and why -- is no one else's business.
I’m glad to see this article. Also, I’m honored to be featured in it. Thank you, Dana.
I spent some time reflecting on what gets in the way of my responding in the way Sono does, a way that demonstrates completely open generosity.
I arrived much in the same place as you: I think that someone’s unsolicited advice is about me / has something to do with me / or in some other way the I-me-mine machine is rolling too well.
As another reader mentions in their comment, though, that may not be the case. Perhaps his dog just died. And in my experience, it is often not the case.
There are a lot of things that end up at my feet or in my lap that have nothing to do with me. I can choose to leave them there, put them down, or pick them up and engage with them. All are appropriate responses in a particular context.
Still, I seem to pick a lot of things up. Practice continues. 😅
I spent a lot of time and energy on comments like this. It’s a waste. You don’t need to explain yourself to him or anyone else. We should value recovery and recovery services more. Nobody buys his books so he gives them away. I guess he thinks this is a flex, but no.
I dread this sort of comment and interaction, and commend you for opening up about it as you process the hurtful nature of accusatory and unsolicited judgements. Something I had to learn about myself and my desire to give stuff away for free is that I was often doing so to placate my need to be needed - to be the rescuer. But that only leaves those I rescue in the role of victim, and that does nothing for either of us. I think paid services give people the opportunity to decide (and energetically commit) to become their own rescuers and their own heroes and rescuers. It’s empowering and optimistic, and to deny people that option does not improve the service. That’s my two cents worth, anyway 😁
I think you’re doing amazing work and think those who pay deserve that chance just as you deserve to earn for the energy and effort you put into your work.
Firstly, congratulations on becoming a best seller Dana, that is so fabulous 😀🙌 You have an absolute right to value yourself and your work (says me, who hasn't had the courage to turn on paid subscriptions yet 😉). As women, I think this is a big struggle, to value ourselves and our contributions in this way. I've had a few comments from people posting to tell me why what I'm writing about is wrong. So far, I have just responded with a 'thank you for your comment' and scrolled on by. It definitely strikes at the internal self-doubt though. I recently heard Sharon Blackie talking about how as women, we still carry the ancestral fear of being 'burnt at the stake' for speaking our truth. This resonated deeply for me. Appreciate your honest sharing around your process, as ever.
That is a man who hasn't done the work. People who judge like that are suppressing their own feelings of envy and inferiority. Maybe he will see your response and have some reflection.
Dear Dana, thank you so much for sharing your journey through your hurt, anger, frustration, reflection, and acceptance. I do follow the AA path and will forever be grateful for the program, but I also rely on writers like you to see things with different eyes, appreciate and learn from other experiences, and it all builds on the strong foundation AA continues to provide me. If I could afford it, I would purchase a paid subscription to EVERY writer in recovery because your perspectives are what keep me growing, learning, and accepting who I am as a sober human. I adore you. Thanks again for the beautiful writing. 🙏💕🙏
These assholes truly piss me off. I get these ignorant/narrow-minded comments and DMs a lot too. I tell them “I’m so glad you found a program that works for you. This is what works for me” while breathing through the rage that fills me. Love you 🫶🏽
Money is tight for me too and I´m not in the habit of paying for substack subscriptions, even though there are many worthy writers out there. But I kinda want to subscribe to you now just to give the ole heave ho to that judgmental commenter who thinks he knows best. I wanna tell him "look buddy, you complained and now Dana has MORE subscribers!"
Ngl, I definitely felt the heat rising at the back of my neck as I made my way through this post because I think it is remarkably audacious and tbh abhorrent to disguise shaming a woman for charging for her work as ‘sharing a perspective’.
This is your work, this is labour. You can charge for that as you see fit.
Not every endeavour can be purely altruistic because we need food, shelter, warmth and tbh whatever else we want to spend our hard earned money on. Not every endeavour SHOULD be purely altruistic. And you actually post a lot for free subscribers and also links to resources (not that you need to but this is the space you wanted to create and have created, which so many people appreciate).
I think people, women in particular, who provide services and content in sober spaces should charge for their work because there’s this expectation that a lot of things should be free and it’s simply not sustainable to put so much out and get nothing back. It’s not a fair exchange. Work is work.
Last point, women already do so much unpaid labour so I like women defying the narrative that that’s how it should be. So much love to you Dana 🫶🏽
That man is jealous of your audience and seeks to cause drama. I recommend blocking him and moving on with your work. I would also submit that your work helps people move beyond sobriety with what I perceive as a seeking life balance.
Also, I am not an addict but I am a paid subscribe because I see value in helping you support other human beings to become more than just recovering addicts.
Dana, I went through a similar struggle when I decided to put some of my writing behind a paywall. I do liberally give free lifetime subscriptions when a reader confesses they can't afford to pay, but what we're doing is work (it's called service journalism) and I believe work should be paid for. Someone on social media made an awful, cutting remark about a story I wrote for The Cut, and because she's also in the media, I was struck by her public vitriol. In the back of my mind I was thinking that there must've been something that set her off, something she was experiencing that ruined her equilibrium. And I read not long after her comment that her husband had been very sick and then recently died. No excuse for bad behavior, but that reminded me that people are sometimes weathering violent storms, which makes them act weird and say hurtful things. Again, no excuse for the a-hole who clocked you in the gut. But maybe his dog just died. I hope you've let the whole thing go. xo
As a therapist I had to learn some people will not change and will take their unresolved emotional / addiction out on the nearest person. Thank you for your willingness to serve people. Kindness is still a commodity.
In what I think is the fourth preface of the Big Book, AA acknowledges that it will not be the only solution, yet so many seem to avoid this point. Sobriety with AA in my experience has spent a long time hiding behind a closed door, keeping itself secretive and thereby supporting the idea that it is shameful to be an alcoholic. This didn't help me find it or even consider that sobriety was a viable option to drinking. I was lucky, in that when I went, I managed to stay. I know many who didn't and many who are no longer with us. This now feels like a revolution that women are in the driving seat of. Writing about it, being public about it, bringing the shame out of the shadows and into the light. Of course it needs to be paid for, how else will it perpetuate and grow, how else will the light be held up for all those who need to find it. AA saved my life, I am eternally grateful for it but I cannot stand by and watch people use it to diminish the work of others that might threaten their own sense of self. I want a sobriety that enables me and lifts me, that doesn't see me hiding in a church hall but allows me to tell others that being sober is THE best thing I have ever done. I have almost fifteen years, it will not be talking about it in public or being paid to help others that threatens it.
Go Dana, this is where the work is ❤️
It's sad that some men feel entitled to leave these kinds of comments. I think what we do with our Substack accounts -- whether we charge or don't, and why -- is no one else's business.
Take good care, Dana.
I’m glad to see this article. Also, I’m honored to be featured in it. Thank you, Dana.
I spent some time reflecting on what gets in the way of my responding in the way Sono does, a way that demonstrates completely open generosity.
I arrived much in the same place as you: I think that someone’s unsolicited advice is about me / has something to do with me / or in some other way the I-me-mine machine is rolling too well.
As another reader mentions in their comment, though, that may not be the case. Perhaps his dog just died. And in my experience, it is often not the case.
There are a lot of things that end up at my feet or in my lap that have nothing to do with me. I can choose to leave them there, put them down, or pick them up and engage with them. All are appropriate responses in a particular context.
Still, I seem to pick a lot of things up. Practice continues. 😅
I spent a lot of time and energy on comments like this. It’s a waste. You don’t need to explain yourself to him or anyone else. We should value recovery and recovery services more. Nobody buys his books so he gives them away. I guess he thinks this is a flex, but no.
I dread this sort of comment and interaction, and commend you for opening up about it as you process the hurtful nature of accusatory and unsolicited judgements. Something I had to learn about myself and my desire to give stuff away for free is that I was often doing so to placate my need to be needed - to be the rescuer. But that only leaves those I rescue in the role of victim, and that does nothing for either of us. I think paid services give people the opportunity to decide (and energetically commit) to become their own rescuers and their own heroes and rescuers. It’s empowering and optimistic, and to deny people that option does not improve the service. That’s my two cents worth, anyway 😁
I think you’re doing amazing work and think those who pay deserve that chance just as you deserve to earn for the energy and effort you put into your work.
Firstly, congratulations on becoming a best seller Dana, that is so fabulous 😀🙌 You have an absolute right to value yourself and your work (says me, who hasn't had the courage to turn on paid subscriptions yet 😉). As women, I think this is a big struggle, to value ourselves and our contributions in this way. I've had a few comments from people posting to tell me why what I'm writing about is wrong. So far, I have just responded with a 'thank you for your comment' and scrolled on by. It definitely strikes at the internal self-doubt though. I recently heard Sharon Blackie talking about how as women, we still carry the ancestral fear of being 'burnt at the stake' for speaking our truth. This resonated deeply for me. Appreciate your honest sharing around your process, as ever.
The alcoholic acts and we react. I no longer find it necessary to convince an alcoholic of anything.
That is a man who hasn't done the work. People who judge like that are suppressing their own feelings of envy and inferiority. Maybe he will see your response and have some reflection.
Dear Dana, thank you so much for sharing your journey through your hurt, anger, frustration, reflection, and acceptance. I do follow the AA path and will forever be grateful for the program, but I also rely on writers like you to see things with different eyes, appreciate and learn from other experiences, and it all builds on the strong foundation AA continues to provide me. If I could afford it, I would purchase a paid subscription to EVERY writer in recovery because your perspectives are what keep me growing, learning, and accepting who I am as a sober human. I adore you. Thanks again for the beautiful writing. 🙏💕🙏
These assholes truly piss me off. I get these ignorant/narrow-minded comments and DMs a lot too. I tell them “I’m so glad you found a program that works for you. This is what works for me” while breathing through the rage that fills me. Love you 🫶🏽
Money is tight for me too and I´m not in the habit of paying for substack subscriptions, even though there are many worthy writers out there. But I kinda want to subscribe to you now just to give the ole heave ho to that judgmental commenter who thinks he knows best. I wanna tell him "look buddy, you complained and now Dana has MORE subscribers!"
Love this and love this headline!