There is wisdom in this piece that could be the subject of my consideration for decades! Thank you. 💜
All of this resonates so much with my own experiences, which feel so similarly reflective of yours. I’d like to share my experience…
I remember many years ago, one of my teachers asked me, "Who would you be if there was no one to blame?" (And that includes myself.) As you mentioned, this isn't about removing accountability and responsibility from myself or others who have caused harm - there's still room for that.
This question, which I ask *regularly*, absolutely untethers me. I am SO conditioned to go around placing a grey mark of blame everywhere and on everyone. Asking this question of myself turns my world inside out. I almost feel panicked every time I do it! Yet, after a minute or two (and more quickly these days), my whole being starts to settle and my nervous system begins to shift.
For me, I see blame, victimizing, and villainizing (of myself or others) as a deep desire to regain a sense of control, which is a path to a perception of safety in my nervous system. And I can witness myself doing this with compassion.
But when there is hurt, mistakes, or something I didn't want upon me, and I'm holding what feels like this big bag of "***AAAAAHHHHKKKKK!!!***" what do I do without something or someone to pin it on? You know?
For me, it's in these moments, when I am left there vulnerably holding it all, that I realize there's nothing left to do but voraciously bring love to the one who is doing the holding. That's my only option left. I just gotta be gentle with my own heart because my experience is real... but blame or victimizing or villainizing myself or others actually bypasses this opportunity to sincerely and attentively be lovingly and compassionately present for myself.
When I stop and attend in this way, in the end, what I'm left holding dissipates and dissolves (eventually) and all that's left is my humanity. A simple human having had a big experience, with only a residue of love left like crumbs on my shirt. Then, from this place, handling accountability and responsibility come from a much more sovereign place within me. It feels so much “cleaner.”
Thank you, Dana, for this insightful wisdom and the space to share these reflections. It was so helpful for me today. 💜
I love that so much, Steve. Thank you from my heart. That really is it, in the end. Starting with love, holding our hearts and humanity, making space for accountability and responsibility to arise from a clear, sovereign place. And, because I know you so well, I know that you truly DO this in practice. Much, much gratitude, my friend.
“For me, I see blame, victimizing, and villainizing (of myself or others) as a deep desire to regain a sense of control, which is a path to a perception of safety in my nervous system. And I can witness myself doing this with compassion.” This really hit me! It’s so inspiring! Thanks Steve🫶🏽
ooo Dana, this one’s a home run. There were a half dozen bits I wanted to highlight. this so very much relates to my (tortured?) relationship to my parents, both of whom died recently. Was it me (self-blame)? Was it them (self-victim)? More importantly, how did I contribute in a myriad of small ways to these complicated relationships? thanks especially for the suggestion at the end to just become aware…
Thank you so much for sharing that, Debbie. And, oh yeah - I can think of many close relationships in which I’ve played both roles at different times. What I like about the language of energetics is it offers more objectivity and clarity around what I’m up to and what other people are up to (often subconsciously).
Brave essay into facing personal truth right alongside our demons and darkness. Both are fertile ground for exploring the space we know as soul. It’s what we’re always trying to master, with varying degrees of success that often have little to do with our dedication.
I identify so much with your story, and would add that for people who have experienced ACE (adverse childhood experiences) or trauma, it’s complicated.
In my case, my healing began with understanding that I had no clear sense of a healthy self because of my childhood experiences. I had to do a lot of work just to get to the point where I could experience myself as having enough self respect to actually examine my ego. I’d been so damaged there wasn’t a lot to salvage, so I took what for me was the only path that made sense: start from zero and reparent myself. Learn who I am, raw and real, without the layers and layers of judgement from any quarter.
All this by way of saying: as valuable and precious as it is to be a sacred witness for someone else, our first and most important mission is to witness our own lives and remain steadfastly loyal and true to the spark of Love that brought us here.
I see you doing this. I salute and celebrate you. I’m guessing all your readers feel the same. So I embrace all of you for that reason.
I love that you brought in that aspect and lens of personal experience, Nancy. Thank you so much for sharing and for offering another place for me (and no doubt many others) to explore and practice. Much, much gratitude to you!
This essay turned out beautifully! I love that I got to see a glimpse of it as you were working on headlines. You did such a good job with it and took it farther than I imagined.
For myself - I'm relating a lot. I was trained in the drama triangle by Karpman and within a group, we did a lot of noticing where we were in terms of victim, rescuer, persecutor (and noticing each other's patterns too). Like you, I identified a lot w/ the victim role at one point in my life, but then shifted to trying to take responsibility, probably too much responsibility for my life and other people's pain/ feelings. And I see what you mean about ego. I am uncomfortable - in a good way- with how you named your addiction to control. I would really rather not take that in and consider if for myself (ugh) but you have named something profound. I also appreciate that you didn't give any easy solutions, but talked about noticing. I also try to do a daily or at least regular inventory. You posed a really good question about what's underneath the stories. Thanks for posting this.
Thank you so much, Serena! Both for your kind words and for sharing how it landed with you.
I only have vague, second-hand knowledge of the Karpman triangle, but look forward to reading about it - sounds extremely relevant to this exploration. And oof, I hear you about control. Trying to establish control is at the core of my unhelpful patterns, including but not limited to obsessive-compulsive thoughts and actions as well as previous years of anorexia and running addiction. But, of course, any control is elusive and an illusion; chasing it creates a hole that cannot be filled, ramps up the anxiety I feel, and never delivers on its promise of stilling the chaos. Sending much steadiness, grace, and ease in your own journey with it all.
Thanks @Dana Leigh Lyons! I’d love to hear what you think of the drama triangle after you’ve checked it out. Yes, relating to the hole that control fills… and the emptiness left when I take my hands off someone else’s steering wheel. I also am recovering from an eating disorder which was a great illusion of control while I lived in it… and learning to let go of my loved ones’ addictions, which I also want to control. Sending peace and healing right back at you!
Oh, yes - both of those are very familiar, Serena. Anorexia was more profoundly addictive for me than alcohol or other drugs; it offered a way to control ONE thing amidst the internal and external chaos. And oof, I hear you on letting go of trying to control or manage loved ones’ addictions (and emotions) - still a work in progress for me. Thank you so much for sharing.
So very helpful! I think villain might be my default from childhood wounding and in my drinking days victim provided a bit of relief from that. Now that I’m not drinking, there’s more mindfulness before expressing either of these archetypal energies, but both remain present. Reading this has pointed me to tapping into a neutral, observer energy more often. Perhaps the wise grandmother figure? I’ll need to let that simmer for a bit, but I imagine it’s going to be transformational. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing that, Pamela. I love how you draw a distinction between your patterns when drinking versus when sober. On my own path, it’s truly night and day. There’s no way I’d have the capacity to loosen my grip on the victim-villain stories while still drinking alcohol. Incidentally, this is one reason why I don’t like being around others when they drink - a few sips, and the stories take over.
Everything you said here. I have played the victim so much in my life, because it brought me attention...until I discovered that it also kept me from succeeding, and thriving.
"While it sounds too good to be true, even just noticing the pattern already changes it. I can’t tell you why this is, I just know it has never, ever played out any differently." I said something very close to this to a fellow in my eating disorder 12 Step group this morning. She was struggling with her ED behaviors, and invalidating herself. I told her that the fact that she was communicating about it instead of hiding was absolutely in line with recovery. We have to acknowledge the truths about ourselves as a first step toward healing. Every time I tell the truth, I grow and learn to love myself more, and forgive myself instead of blaming others for the things that haven't (and don't) work in my life. xoxo
So beautifully put, Nan. Thank you. Even just reading your last line about telling the truth filled me with the body-mind-spirit relief of that. Addiction - whatever the substance or behaviour - thrives in the dark and tricks us into thinking that we must keep the truth hidden. By naming what is true - especially the parts we most want to hide - everything, everything, everything changes. xoxo
This couldn’t have been more on time for me. Pretty big life shift that was in the works got the brakes thrown on this week. I’ve definitely spent time in the victim mode. Trying to shift perspective, and do see where I’m responsible for the shift. It was my decision, it also felt like I “had” to make it. Alright, clearly I need to do some more writing elsewhere on this.
Thanks so much for being here and sharing, Josh. And sending wishes for grace your way - I know how tough it can be to shift our perspective when right in the thick of it. I do hope you’ll write about it!
Thanks for these helpful thoughts, Dana, and best of luck with settling into your new home.
I've been asking myself what's my part in this situation lately. A need to set boundaries but to be a constructive presence can be pretty difficult, and it's important to examine the role we're playing in dynamics between people.
What you have said matches my own experience and observations as well. Harm was done to me in childhood, I crashed around in early and middle adulthood causing harm, having more harm caused to me, and eventually started causing less (I think) and having less caused to me. The harm done to me in childhood left me thinking I was *the worst* and unlovable and every time I recognized that I had caused harm, I realized it was true! I was the worst and then I dissolved and needed someone to help me stop feeling that way. It all unwinds slowly. I recognize I'm slightly less the worst and I became slightly more able to recognize my own agency in my own story which makes me slightly more able again to recognize my own not quite the worst ness. It spirals up very slowly over decades for me.
The first step is recognizing that I made sense and was doing the best I could w what I knew then. Each day I learn a slight bit more and am able to behave slightly better, and to cause slightly less deep harm.
Thank you so much for sharing, Mary. Huge recognition for your willingness and courage in this path and practice. Cheering you on with it all, from my heart to yours.
Reminds me a lot of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy equations:
Pain x Resistance = Suffering
Pain x Acceptance = Insight
Insight x Dedication = Transformation
Suffering is controllable via our perception of what's happened and our response to it and when others are in their negative space they are self-focused so it's (often) hard for them to practice this to or even begin to give you what you need in the moment.
First step is acknowledging that Pain and Suffering is separate, and suffering keeps the pain alive. Ultimately it's about noticing, acknowledging and then accepting - not fixing or fighting.
It's a very hard thing to do, especially when our brains are wired to confirmation bias.
Very interesting and relatable, especially the examples you gave. Thank you for breaking it all down like this.
Thanks so much for adding that and for being here, Casper. As you say, easier said than done...but I do have faith in the practice, making space for our shared humanness, and the power of devotion, discipline, patience, and time.
I had to read this one twice. Great work breaking it down. It takes practice getting away from the me-me-me and seeing it written out like this helps a lot!
Wow! This is really eye opening! I know the victim side of the coin but never thought about the self blame side and how it twists things so that the “accuser” has to “take care of me” and I get to avoid any responsibility. Yikes.
Powerful personal insights. I love your identification, description, and history of these flip-sides of the pathological coin - as well as how you deal with them.
Bravo. I initially saved this post to read later as more of a main course to my daily reading. I knew it was going to need some savouring and digesting. I was not disappointed. There’s so much to this. It’s perspective shifting. It’s perspective of perspective shifting. One that I need to read again to unpack more parts. Thank you Dana.
Thank you so much, Adam. I know your own writing often explores similar themes - including recognizing where we have choice and shifting our patterns. Your presence here and generous words mean a lot!
There is wisdom in this piece that could be the subject of my consideration for decades! Thank you. 💜
All of this resonates so much with my own experiences, which feel so similarly reflective of yours. I’d like to share my experience…
I remember many years ago, one of my teachers asked me, "Who would you be if there was no one to blame?" (And that includes myself.) As you mentioned, this isn't about removing accountability and responsibility from myself or others who have caused harm - there's still room for that.
This question, which I ask *regularly*, absolutely untethers me. I am SO conditioned to go around placing a grey mark of blame everywhere and on everyone. Asking this question of myself turns my world inside out. I almost feel panicked every time I do it! Yet, after a minute or two (and more quickly these days), my whole being starts to settle and my nervous system begins to shift.
For me, I see blame, victimizing, and villainizing (of myself or others) as a deep desire to regain a sense of control, which is a path to a perception of safety in my nervous system. And I can witness myself doing this with compassion.
But when there is hurt, mistakes, or something I didn't want upon me, and I'm holding what feels like this big bag of "***AAAAAHHHHKKKKK!!!***" what do I do without something or someone to pin it on? You know?
For me, it's in these moments, when I am left there vulnerably holding it all, that I realize there's nothing left to do but voraciously bring love to the one who is doing the holding. That's my only option left. I just gotta be gentle with my own heart because my experience is real... but blame or victimizing or villainizing myself or others actually bypasses this opportunity to sincerely and attentively be lovingly and compassionately present for myself.
When I stop and attend in this way, in the end, what I'm left holding dissipates and dissolves (eventually) and all that's left is my humanity. A simple human having had a big experience, with only a residue of love left like crumbs on my shirt. Then, from this place, handling accountability and responsibility come from a much more sovereign place within me. It feels so much “cleaner.”
Thank you, Dana, for this insightful wisdom and the space to share these reflections. It was so helpful for me today. 💜
I love that so much, Steve. Thank you from my heart. That really is it, in the end. Starting with love, holding our hearts and humanity, making space for accountability and responsibility to arise from a clear, sovereign place. And, because I know you so well, I know that you truly DO this in practice. Much, much gratitude, my friend.
“For me, I see blame, victimizing, and villainizing (of myself or others) as a deep desire to regain a sense of control, which is a path to a perception of safety in my nervous system. And I can witness myself doing this with compassion.” This really hit me! It’s so inspiring! Thanks Steve🫶🏽
❤️
ooo Dana, this one’s a home run. There were a half dozen bits I wanted to highlight. this so very much relates to my (tortured?) relationship to my parents, both of whom died recently. Was it me (self-blame)? Was it them (self-victim)? More importantly, how did I contribute in a myriad of small ways to these complicated relationships? thanks especially for the suggestion at the end to just become aware…
Thank you so much for sharing that, Debbie. And, oh yeah - I can think of many close relationships in which I’ve played both roles at different times. What I like about the language of energetics is it offers more objectivity and clarity around what I’m up to and what other people are up to (often subconsciously).
Brave essay into facing personal truth right alongside our demons and darkness. Both are fertile ground for exploring the space we know as soul. It’s what we’re always trying to master, with varying degrees of success that often have little to do with our dedication.
I identify so much with your story, and would add that for people who have experienced ACE (adverse childhood experiences) or trauma, it’s complicated.
In my case, my healing began with understanding that I had no clear sense of a healthy self because of my childhood experiences. I had to do a lot of work just to get to the point where I could experience myself as having enough self respect to actually examine my ego. I’d been so damaged there wasn’t a lot to salvage, so I took what for me was the only path that made sense: start from zero and reparent myself. Learn who I am, raw and real, without the layers and layers of judgement from any quarter.
All this by way of saying: as valuable and precious as it is to be a sacred witness for someone else, our first and most important mission is to witness our own lives and remain steadfastly loyal and true to the spark of Love that brought us here.
I see you doing this. I salute and celebrate you. I’m guessing all your readers feel the same. So I embrace all of you for that reason.
I love that you brought in that aspect and lens of personal experience, Nancy. Thank you so much for sharing and for offering another place for me (and no doubt many others) to explore and practice. Much, much gratitude to you!
This essay turned out beautifully! I love that I got to see a glimpse of it as you were working on headlines. You did such a good job with it and took it farther than I imagined.
For myself - I'm relating a lot. I was trained in the drama triangle by Karpman and within a group, we did a lot of noticing where we were in terms of victim, rescuer, persecutor (and noticing each other's patterns too). Like you, I identified a lot w/ the victim role at one point in my life, but then shifted to trying to take responsibility, probably too much responsibility for my life and other people's pain/ feelings. And I see what you mean about ego. I am uncomfortable - in a good way- with how you named your addiction to control. I would really rather not take that in and consider if for myself (ugh) but you have named something profound. I also appreciate that you didn't give any easy solutions, but talked about noticing. I also try to do a daily or at least regular inventory. You posed a really good question about what's underneath the stories. Thanks for posting this.
Thank you so much, Serena! Both for your kind words and for sharing how it landed with you.
I only have vague, second-hand knowledge of the Karpman triangle, but look forward to reading about it - sounds extremely relevant to this exploration. And oof, I hear you about control. Trying to establish control is at the core of my unhelpful patterns, including but not limited to obsessive-compulsive thoughts and actions as well as previous years of anorexia and running addiction. But, of course, any control is elusive and an illusion; chasing it creates a hole that cannot be filled, ramps up the anxiety I feel, and never delivers on its promise of stilling the chaos. Sending much steadiness, grace, and ease in your own journey with it all.
Thanks @Dana Leigh Lyons! I’d love to hear what you think of the drama triangle after you’ve checked it out. Yes, relating to the hole that control fills… and the emptiness left when I take my hands off someone else’s steering wheel. I also am recovering from an eating disorder which was a great illusion of control while I lived in it… and learning to let go of my loved ones’ addictions, which I also want to control. Sending peace and healing right back at you!
Oh, yes - both of those are very familiar, Serena. Anorexia was more profoundly addictive for me than alcohol or other drugs; it offered a way to control ONE thing amidst the internal and external chaos. And oof, I hear you on letting go of trying to control or manage loved ones’ addictions (and emotions) - still a work in progress for me. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you 🙏 I agree ☝️
"...even just noticing the pattern already changes it." I've been saying this for years; it's absolutely true. ❤️
Yes! So true, so miraculous how that works. ❤️
Absolutely!
So very helpful! I think villain might be my default from childhood wounding and in my drinking days victim provided a bit of relief from that. Now that I’m not drinking, there’s more mindfulness before expressing either of these archetypal energies, but both remain present. Reading this has pointed me to tapping into a neutral, observer energy more often. Perhaps the wise grandmother figure? I’ll need to let that simmer for a bit, but I imagine it’s going to be transformational. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing that, Pamela. I love how you draw a distinction between your patterns when drinking versus when sober. On my own path, it’s truly night and day. There’s no way I’d have the capacity to loosen my grip on the victim-villain stories while still drinking alcohol. Incidentally, this is one reason why I don’t like being around others when they drink - a few sips, and the stories take over.
Everything you said here. I have played the victim so much in my life, because it brought me attention...until I discovered that it also kept me from succeeding, and thriving.
"While it sounds too good to be true, even just noticing the pattern already changes it. I can’t tell you why this is, I just know it has never, ever played out any differently." I said something very close to this to a fellow in my eating disorder 12 Step group this morning. She was struggling with her ED behaviors, and invalidating herself. I told her that the fact that she was communicating about it instead of hiding was absolutely in line with recovery. We have to acknowledge the truths about ourselves as a first step toward healing. Every time I tell the truth, I grow and learn to love myself more, and forgive myself instead of blaming others for the things that haven't (and don't) work in my life. xoxo
So beautifully put, Nan. Thank you. Even just reading your last line about telling the truth filled me with the body-mind-spirit relief of that. Addiction - whatever the substance or behaviour - thrives in the dark and tricks us into thinking that we must keep the truth hidden. By naming what is true - especially the parts we most want to hide - everything, everything, everything changes. xoxo
Sending you big love, Dana. I’m so grateful our paths have crossed. Til next time!
Love and gratitude to you, Nan!
This couldn’t have been more on time for me. Pretty big life shift that was in the works got the brakes thrown on this week. I’ve definitely spent time in the victim mode. Trying to shift perspective, and do see where I’m responsible for the shift. It was my decision, it also felt like I “had” to make it. Alright, clearly I need to do some more writing elsewhere on this.
Thanks as always for your share.
Thanks so much for being here and sharing, Josh. And sending wishes for grace your way - I know how tough it can be to shift our perspective when right in the thick of it. I do hope you’ll write about it!
Thanks for these helpful thoughts, Dana, and best of luck with settling into your new home.
I've been asking myself what's my part in this situation lately. A need to set boundaries but to be a constructive presence can be pretty difficult, and it's important to examine the role we're playing in dynamics between people.
Best wishes to you.
Thank you, Diana. And yeah - that sure can be a tough one. Sending wishes for steadiness, ease, and clear seeing.
What you have said matches my own experience and observations as well. Harm was done to me in childhood, I crashed around in early and middle adulthood causing harm, having more harm caused to me, and eventually started causing less (I think) and having less caused to me. The harm done to me in childhood left me thinking I was *the worst* and unlovable and every time I recognized that I had caused harm, I realized it was true! I was the worst and then I dissolved and needed someone to help me stop feeling that way. It all unwinds slowly. I recognize I'm slightly less the worst and I became slightly more able to recognize my own agency in my own story which makes me slightly more able again to recognize my own not quite the worst ness. It spirals up very slowly over decades for me.
The first step is recognizing that I made sense and was doing the best I could w what I knew then. Each day I learn a slight bit more and am able to behave slightly better, and to cause slightly less deep harm.
Thank you so much for sharing, Mary. Huge recognition for your willingness and courage in this path and practice. Cheering you on with it all, from my heart to yours.
Reminds me a lot of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy equations:
Pain x Resistance = Suffering
Pain x Acceptance = Insight
Insight x Dedication = Transformation
Suffering is controllable via our perception of what's happened and our response to it and when others are in their negative space they are self-focused so it's (often) hard for them to practice this to or even begin to give you what you need in the moment.
First step is acknowledging that Pain and Suffering is separate, and suffering keeps the pain alive. Ultimately it's about noticing, acknowledging and then accepting - not fixing or fighting.
It's a very hard thing to do, especially when our brains are wired to confirmation bias.
Very interesting and relatable, especially the examples you gave. Thank you for breaking it all down like this.
Thanks so much for adding that and for being here, Casper. As you say, easier said than done...but I do have faith in the practice, making space for our shared humanness, and the power of devotion, discipline, patience, and time.
I had to read this one twice. Great work breaking it down. It takes practice getting away from the me-me-me and seeing it written out like this helps a lot!
Thank you, Tim. It means so much hearing how it landed with people - and that it made sense. 😊
Loved this!! Such great insights and so clearly articulated—made it easy for me to recognize those same patterns in myself. Thanks!
Thank you so much, Dan! Both for your kind words and for letting me know I’m not the only one. 😊
Wow! This is really eye opening! I know the victim side of the coin but never thought about the self blame side and how it twists things so that the “accuser” has to “take care of me” and I get to avoid any responsibility. Yikes.
Thanks for letting me know how it landed, Ginger! So interesting, I find, to unravel the energetics of what we get up to... 🙂
Powerful personal insights. I love your identification, description, and history of these flip-sides of the pathological coin - as well as how you deal with them.
Thank you, my Love. As you know, it’s an ongoing practice...
Bravo. I initially saved this post to read later as more of a main course to my daily reading. I knew it was going to need some savouring and digesting. I was not disappointed. There’s so much to this. It’s perspective shifting. It’s perspective of perspective shifting. One that I need to read again to unpack more parts. Thank you Dana.
Thank you so much, Adam. I know your own writing often explores similar themes - including recognizing where we have choice and shifting our patterns. Your presence here and generous words mean a lot!