Moving story Dana!! After reading posts on Substack, I usually try to take some time to metabolize the story before commenting. Well, I read yours and then went to my e-mail inbox and check this out. My daily meditations from Ram Dass:
“Parents are environments for their children, lovers are an environment for their partners. You keep working – you become the soil – moist and soft and receptive so the person can grow the way they need to grow, because how do you know how they should grow?”
I hope you and Randy are becoming good soil for each other. 🙏
Oh Dana, I love this so much. Everything you wrote about resonated with me except being with someone who would also work to resolve it. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I left my husband and kids, no longer able to live in a relationship that had the potential for me to drink in. I thought that it would be the catalyst to wake him up yet sadly discovered that there wasn't going to be any catalyst that would do that. Learning to stand on my own two feet, create a new home where my children would move in full time as he abdicated any parenting responsibility has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I too had found myself reliving the nightmare that I'd been brought up in, despite every intention and belief that our love would be enough. I am still single, nine years later and, like getting sober, I am grateful that I hadn't known how hard it could be. This is where I needed to be, of that I will never have any doubt. Thank you for writing this today of all days ❤️
Thank you (as always) for your honesty and willingness to share so much of you on the page.
Ooof - this landed on me big time.
Just this week, on the eve of THIS Valentine’s, I wrote a letter to my husband, not a romantic one. It was more of a plea bargain. A meet me halfway please so we can unravel all our unspoken assumptions. It was an expose to him of all the stories I tell myself about our marriage/our dynamic/how we move together through this world. Essentially, it was about all those kinds of unspoken agreements you mention here. Our marriage came 3 years after a very unplanned and unexpected pregnancy. I always try to unwind that and wonder- would we have stayed together? What has held us up these last 18 years? We’ve walked together, holding hands but never saying the things that needed to be said.
And just like the reasons I drank were never about the alcohol. The reasons beneath our financial strife and bickering was never about the money.
I feel so energetically in sync with you sometimes. I am working on a 5 part essay series based upon The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It feels so aligned with the things you share here. Have you read it? I am at a point where I know I need to revisit the text.
I do believe in fairy tale endings. Obviously you went through a lot of hard pieces to get there, but you did get to fall in love with and marry the same guy twice and that is beautiful ❤️
I'm in awe of the way in which you write about difficult issues with such heart-led clarity, Dana. Bravo and thank you.
The subject of money is such a thorny one. I wrote about it a little in a recent post and my husband ended up being quite upset about the tone of my words. I can totally see why, now that we've talked about it - he's never been anything other than generous, consultative and supportive - and still I'm uncomfortable with our dynamic around money. Some might think that being financially supported would be the dream - I not only haven't had to work but I haven't been allowed to because of visa stipulations - and we've been lucky that my husband is able to support our family comfortably on his sole income. But that has implications in our relationship, around lack of autonomy and independence and a sense of competence and self-worth, as well as in the division of labour in our relationship.
Thank you so much for giving us all some tools for navigating the difficult conversations. 🙏
I love this honesty. My husband and I have worked through so many unspoken agreements over the past few years — so many that I never even knew I was a part of. Thank you for sharing your story ❤️
“through love, consideration, listening, and kindness. Those sorts of care aren’t tied to money. In marriage, those sorts of care have become non-negotiable.” I feel this so deeply and really resonate.
Money came up in our marriage chat today. It’s so real and so hard. I appreciate the reminder to keep pulling it into the light alongside the nonnegotiables mentioned above.
Also, the difference in the photos you shared was really beautiful. This strong power stance feel at first, then softer with more love and connection years later.
Thank you for sharing your heart here and asking deep questions. <3
Thank you for sharing your story so boldly and bravely, Dana. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard - including my own - that have this longing at the center of them: I just want someone to take care of me for a change. Finding that lonely part and nurturing it in ourselves is so much of what loving ourselves is about. You're an inspiration!
Thank you for writing a beautiful essay that resonated with me. I have been divorced for over three years. We had been married for almost 24 years and together 27 years. The unraveling of my marriage unraveled me in a much needed way. I married a person who drank heavily knowing deep down that he was an alcoholic. I, too, was on the cusp of having a serious drinking problem but it was overshadowed by his drinking. I was nowhere near the drinker he was so do I have a problem??? Absofreakinlutely! I read a quote recently that said something like this-Rock bottom is when you decide to stop digging. I stopped digging and quit drinking 5 months before my divorce was final. After putting him through 4 months of rehab, I realized I couldn’t save him because he didn’t want to be saved. Alcohol was and still is the most important thing in the world to him. It was a gut wrenching divorce that involved a year’s worth of fights over money (his main focus) and our children (my main focus). I ended up basically “buying” sole custody of my two boys. It was worth every penny. I am now on the other side with less money but incredibly grateful for where I landed. My boys are doing great. I am finally living an authentic, sober life. I fell in love a year ago and I fully acknowledge that my journey gave me the tools to have a healthy, honest relationship that is built on trust and communication. Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to reading more of your story❤️
I just love your writing so much and what a perfect piece for today. I am celebrating today with the one I love, despite and because of our past 8 years of ups and downs and most of all trying to figure out what works for US and no one else. It's been a work in progress and I love reading your story about how you've done the same. So, thank-you for sharing and Happy Heart Day!
Powerful, heartbreaking, and resiliently joyful. Working it through with your usual honesty and hard work. Thanks for sharing this deeply personal essay Dana.
Love the rawness and honesty of this piece, and I wholeheartedly agree that we tend to repeat our familiar patterns until we take responsibility for what belongs to us in the dynamic. For me, it has taken successive relationships and successive therapies (and long solo periods) to figure some of that out. The partner I am with now is fundamentally very similar to the big love of my 20s, but I couldn't make it work back then and was clueless about the patterns I was enacting in that relationship. In many ways I still consider him a soulmate and wish we'd had more wisdom and guidance at the time. I love that you have managed to circle back and figure it out with the same person ❤
You and Randy gave me this same advice as a teenager around my relationship with my mother, "we might swap partners, but we’ll keep dancing the same broken dance." I regard this as the best advice I have ever received, and I accredit it for motivating me to face the hard stuff in our relationship rather than trying to extricate myself from it. Avoiding the hard stuff only ensures that we will keep on struggling with the hard stuff.
I am so lucky that your wisdom continues to guide me <3.
Thank you for this honest look into your relationship, Dana. I find it inspiring, as I'm currently in the midst of reflecting on my own partnership while trying to figure out if we will continue walking side-by-side or go our separate ways. I'm looking forward to hearing more about the evolution of how you got "from there to here."
Moving story Dana!! After reading posts on Substack, I usually try to take some time to metabolize the story before commenting. Well, I read yours and then went to my e-mail inbox and check this out. My daily meditations from Ram Dass:
“Parents are environments for their children, lovers are an environment for their partners. You keep working – you become the soil – moist and soft and receptive so the person can grow the way they need to grow, because how do you know how they should grow?”
I hope you and Randy are becoming good soil for each other. 🙏
Oh Dana, I love this so much. Everything you wrote about resonated with me except being with someone who would also work to resolve it. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I left my husband and kids, no longer able to live in a relationship that had the potential for me to drink in. I thought that it would be the catalyst to wake him up yet sadly discovered that there wasn't going to be any catalyst that would do that. Learning to stand on my own two feet, create a new home where my children would move in full time as he abdicated any parenting responsibility has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I too had found myself reliving the nightmare that I'd been brought up in, despite every intention and belief that our love would be enough. I am still single, nine years later and, like getting sober, I am grateful that I hadn't known how hard it could be. This is where I needed to be, of that I will never have any doubt. Thank you for writing this today of all days ❤️
Thank you (as always) for your honesty and willingness to share so much of you on the page.
Ooof - this landed on me big time.
Just this week, on the eve of THIS Valentine’s, I wrote a letter to my husband, not a romantic one. It was more of a plea bargain. A meet me halfway please so we can unravel all our unspoken assumptions. It was an expose to him of all the stories I tell myself about our marriage/our dynamic/how we move together through this world. Essentially, it was about all those kinds of unspoken agreements you mention here. Our marriage came 3 years after a very unplanned and unexpected pregnancy. I always try to unwind that and wonder- would we have stayed together? What has held us up these last 18 years? We’ve walked together, holding hands but never saying the things that needed to be said.
And just like the reasons I drank were never about the alcohol. The reasons beneath our financial strife and bickering was never about the money.
I feel so energetically in sync with you sometimes. I am working on a 5 part essay series based upon The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It feels so aligned with the things you share here. Have you read it? I am at a point where I know I need to revisit the text.
Thank you, Dana 🙏🏼
I do believe in fairy tale endings. Obviously you went through a lot of hard pieces to get there, but you did get to fall in love with and marry the same guy twice and that is beautiful ❤️
I'm in awe of the way in which you write about difficult issues with such heart-led clarity, Dana. Bravo and thank you.
The subject of money is such a thorny one. I wrote about it a little in a recent post and my husband ended up being quite upset about the tone of my words. I can totally see why, now that we've talked about it - he's never been anything other than generous, consultative and supportive - and still I'm uncomfortable with our dynamic around money. Some might think that being financially supported would be the dream - I not only haven't had to work but I haven't been allowed to because of visa stipulations - and we've been lucky that my husband is able to support our family comfortably on his sole income. But that has implications in our relationship, around lack of autonomy and independence and a sense of competence and self-worth, as well as in the division of labour in our relationship.
Thank you so much for giving us all some tools for navigating the difficult conversations. 🙏
I love this honesty. My husband and I have worked through so many unspoken agreements over the past few years — so many that I never even knew I was a part of. Thank you for sharing your story ❤️
“through love, consideration, listening, and kindness. Those sorts of care aren’t tied to money. In marriage, those sorts of care have become non-negotiable.” I feel this so deeply and really resonate.
Money came up in our marriage chat today. It’s so real and so hard. I appreciate the reminder to keep pulling it into the light alongside the nonnegotiables mentioned above.
Also, the difference in the photos you shared was really beautiful. This strong power stance feel at first, then softer with more love and connection years later.
Thank you for sharing your heart here and asking deep questions. <3
Thank you for sharing your story so boldly and bravely, Dana. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard - including my own - that have this longing at the center of them: I just want someone to take care of me for a change. Finding that lonely part and nurturing it in ourselves is so much of what loving ourselves is about. You're an inspiration!
Thank you for writing a beautiful essay that resonated with me. I have been divorced for over three years. We had been married for almost 24 years and together 27 years. The unraveling of my marriage unraveled me in a much needed way. I married a person who drank heavily knowing deep down that he was an alcoholic. I, too, was on the cusp of having a serious drinking problem but it was overshadowed by his drinking. I was nowhere near the drinker he was so do I have a problem??? Absofreakinlutely! I read a quote recently that said something like this-Rock bottom is when you decide to stop digging. I stopped digging and quit drinking 5 months before my divorce was final. After putting him through 4 months of rehab, I realized I couldn’t save him because he didn’t want to be saved. Alcohol was and still is the most important thing in the world to him. It was a gut wrenching divorce that involved a year’s worth of fights over money (his main focus) and our children (my main focus). I ended up basically “buying” sole custody of my two boys. It was worth every penny. I am now on the other side with less money but incredibly grateful for where I landed. My boys are doing great. I am finally living an authentic, sober life. I fell in love a year ago and I fully acknowledge that my journey gave me the tools to have a healthy, honest relationship that is built on trust and communication. Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to reading more of your story❤️
I just love your writing so much and what a perfect piece for today. I am celebrating today with the one I love, despite and because of our past 8 years of ups and downs and most of all trying to figure out what works for US and no one else. It's been a work in progress and I love reading your story about how you've done the same. So, thank-you for sharing and Happy Heart Day!
Powerful, heartbreaking, and resiliently joyful. Working it through with your usual honesty and hard work. Thanks for sharing this deeply personal essay Dana.
Love the rawness and honesty of this piece, and I wholeheartedly agree that we tend to repeat our familiar patterns until we take responsibility for what belongs to us in the dynamic. For me, it has taken successive relationships and successive therapies (and long solo periods) to figure some of that out. The partner I am with now is fundamentally very similar to the big love of my 20s, but I couldn't make it work back then and was clueless about the patterns I was enacting in that relationship. In many ways I still consider him a soulmate and wish we'd had more wisdom and guidance at the time. I love that you have managed to circle back and figure it out with the same person ❤
I thought this was a beautiful piece of writing. Your writing is always so clear, gives everything, having clipped away anything not needed 🧡
You and Randy gave me this same advice as a teenager around my relationship with my mother, "we might swap partners, but we’ll keep dancing the same broken dance." I regard this as the best advice I have ever received, and I accredit it for motivating me to face the hard stuff in our relationship rather than trying to extricate myself from it. Avoiding the hard stuff only ensures that we will keep on struggling with the hard stuff.
I am so lucky that your wisdom continues to guide me <3.
Thank you for this honest look into your relationship, Dana. I find it inspiring, as I'm currently in the midst of reflecting on my own partnership while trying to figure out if we will continue walking side-by-side or go our separate ways. I'm looking forward to hearing more about the evolution of how you got "from there to here."